Gonna be busy at work today but thought I'd get my night + positives out there...
Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. I mention it to h a few days ago...partly as just a reminder (he's been busy with school plus feeling sick...normally he totally remembers these things) and also to confirm with him that we weren't doing gifts ... nothing unusual...since it falls so close to xmas PLUS we usually go away for it (heading to NYC after xmas) we usually don't. I just hate to be empty handed if someone else isn't!
anyway...yesterday am I wished him happy anniversary and he responded. Yesterday afternoon while talking to him on the phone he was talking about his plans for the night...mostly studying (totally expected as he has exam #2 today). I asked him if we'd have time to take a little break and just mark the occasion.
Pause.
Sure, ok, he says.
I say...well...we can put it off to another night ... I just don't want to lose the day/event.
He says "do you mind?". No.
I ask...did you buy me a card? answer is no. So, I say...ok, well I won't get you one either...so I don't feel stupid.
He says "I'm sorry. I've been thinking only of myself lately."
I stop at the grocery store on the way home figuring that I'll get stuff for dinner (180 for me!). I also buy a cake. I get home...not in the most positive frame of mind but trying....h is moderately defensive he has that "even if you say this is ok, I'm not going to believe you stance" and I guess he was partly right...I tell him that I do feel disappointed that we had kind of dropped the ball on noting this at all...and that since our anniversary is going to fall in the middle of his exams for the next three years that I'd like to be more definitive next year about picking a stand-in date to celebrate. He says "ok" but says something like "you still don't seem fine with this" in a defensive voice.
I tell him I'll cook dinner, he comes down, we eat, he apologizes and is much less defensive. He suggests that we have cake and champagne later. I go out to the store again to get him soda...I quiz him on some of this exam material. We have cake and champagne...his toast was "to us and to the only woman I can see being married to".
h was very loving and attentive the rest of the night...listen eagerly to my talk about work, asked what he could do to help with my desire for a new job. we watched tv for a while then I went to bed. H said "you do know how much I love you, right?". I said yes and asked the same back of him.
So....I know in the BB scheme of things bitching about not having my anniversary noted in the manner I wanted is probably low on anyone's pain scale...I can appreciate that. I can also appreciate that so much of my sadness and disappointment is based on EXPECTATION and ASSumption. Guilty as charged. There's a part of me that feels like a giant jerk for not being able to completely act "as if" this was all fine and dandy with me. There's another part of me that thinks...no...this IS important to me. And I wasn't unrealistic or inappropriate about my responses to him....
Last year at this time we were 6 weeks post bomb. My m was tenuous to say the least.
Have we come SO FAR that we can ignore the day (noting that we never have before)? I haven't. I never want to ignore the day. and I lamely had hoped for some sort of noting of how far we'd come...maybe that was his goal.
Anyway...I think I need to get back to even more DB basics than I thought...
Positives: h talked a lot about my job with me
h clearly loves me and felt badly
I got an A in one of my classes. Other class grade still pending but the A was in the class I was less sure about!
Sage
BIG PS: It occurs to me from reading over my post that I didn't do what I said I'd do on the phone with h....agree to put it aside for another day.
Going to the grocery store, buying the cake, all of that was in opposition to the agreement.
So...nice mixed message...even though I said it was ok my actions said that it wasn't.
Any thoughts on what to do now? Apology time for Sage?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
he has that "even if you say this is ok, I'm not going to believe you stance" and I guess he was partly right...I tell him that I do feel disappointed that we had kind of dropped the ball on noting this at all...and that since our anniversary is going to fall in the middle of his exams for the next three years that I'd like to be more definitive next year about picking a stand-in date to celebrate. He says "ok" but says something like "you still don't seem fine with this" in a defensive voice.
