Let Us Be Outstanding Together.

[Busting Mode]

Might have just made my final big mistake with her.

She had already agreed to come to the table and talk with me and the DB coach.

That was the action she was prepared to take.

I had to push. I had to call her back a little while later and ask her why. Why would she agree to go.

All she could say was she couldn't see any reason not to.

I pushed.

I pushed her away so far and hard again now I'm not even feeling like I want her back.

I was going to say she just isnt willing to work with me, but as soon as I said that to my self I saw I was mistaken because she agreed to come to counseling.

But she still insists she doesn't want to be with me and we are not meant to be together so why am I still trying.

No way around it. Sometimes life [censored].

[♪CS♪]

It might be a mistake, but it certainly doesn't need to be final. Regroup and move forward. If she is still willing to do the call, great. If she is isn't, take some time, get back to the basics and try again.

[Busting Mode]

i don't man i'm looking for the fork to stick in me because i'm feeling pretty frikken done.

thanks for your kindness though.

i'm just not feeling like its worth it any longer.

getting ready to throw in the towel

even though i was feeling pretty good earlier, hanging on her words like this really isnt healthy.

i'm starting to think i'd rather be stranded on an island where the boundaries are clear and limited, than forever lost in a boundless sea of hope

god how pathetic this feels to me right now.

nothing more to say

[Busting Mode]

It's a new day.

Have decided it's time to get off the roller coaster that has characterized not only my relationships, but also my life.

A yogi once said to me "the landscape of your current opportunities accurately reflects the ambiguity of your past decisions."

I thought I head learned that after my first failed long-term relationship. But now after the failure of my marriage, I see it is more true than ever for me and still an area of grave concern.

My past insecurity and indecisiveness, my fears of being abandoned or letting go, my lack of self-control and ability to follow through...

These are characteristics that I have been carrying around with me all my life.

Yesterday, for the love of God, I was feeling so done that I actually thought of being done and done. Like, how would I choose to kill myself, because I'm just too damn tired to go on.

But I know our feelings change.

Hard to remember that when we are all caught up inside of them.

So yesterday I fell again.

In the afternoon, I was being patient and my wife was telling me she loved me and was willing to go to counseling. In the evening, I was being pushy and she was once again rejecting and denying everything I said.

Hello? Hello?

Well no matter if it was my mistake or not, that constant feeling of rejection is so damn painful that today I am feeling a desire to withdraw.

A desire to move on.


When I woke up this morning, besides curiously aroused and "standing at full attention" by a dream of an attractive stranger who was certainly not my wife - a very surprising dream because I don't remember ever dreaming of another woman in the past 4 years that Beckie and I were together - besides that, I woke up taking stock of where I'm at...

First thoughts and feelings that came to mind were:

I am suddenly cut off from my love,
cut off from my home
cut off from my income
cut off from my dreams
cut off from visiting an entire chunk of the planet
and cut off from my possessions.

To my astonishment, I can actually see the upside of being cut off from all of that.

I am free to love another
I am free to live somewhere else
I am free of any pretensions about my income
I am free to have exciting new dreams
I am free to travel anyplace in the world outside of the U.S.
I am free to be me

I am now free to be the me that I really want to be, and that me is no longer someone who is co-dependent. This me is simply free!

So I signed up and completed an eHarmony profile this morning, just to hear what I might say, and to see how it would make me feel.

What it did was give me greater clarity, moving forward with or without my soon-to-be-ex-wife...

What I caught myself writing was:

"Although I am happy enough on my own, having a best friend who is eager to share our time and space together is still my heart's desire."


That pretty much sums up where I am at and how I truly feel. Being clear about that essential path or purpose, gives me strength and focus, not only for myself, but also when thinking of being a friend and how to relate to Beckie from now on.

I feel the biggest difference is, I no longer going to be her friend with the intent to win her back. And I am no longer going to consider her my best friend, because that spot is reserved for a committed wife. Not a WAW.

Yes, I will wait until we have a counseling session before I sign and return the divorce papers. I told myself a couple of weeks ago that at the very least I am going to do everything I can to help her see what I can see, and that my position is completely understood.

Along with returning the papers, I may very well write down the black and white bullet point facts of where we're at and what I can see lies ahead, to help her to decide.

And I may even include the immigration documents with crystal clear instructions for her, details of the possible outcomes I can foresee, my perspective on her position, and maybe even the name of an immigration lawyer she can speak with to give her further facts if she is interested in making an informed, not just an emotional choice. Even though I am certain she is not.

No, I am certain my "Beckie" is needing to be single again and move along on her own, so it is time for me to truly set her free, and set myself free, as well.

It's a good thing and bless her for "forcing" me to see it by being so stubbornly true to her self.

It's funny.

The most amazing thing about what I posted in my new eHarmony profile was that it crystallized my knowledge and awareness that what I need is a partner who I can make good decisions with.

Right now the woman I married no longer seems to fit the bill, if she ever did. But her ability to feel good about her decisions is precisely what she is committed to working on for her self.

I know that up until this point neither one of us have really developed our own individual decision making abilities to the point that we can truly enjoy the quality of life that we desire.
Neither one of us really has the lvel of confidence and joy that we desire.

So I can see now it is time for me to fully and completely let her go, and let her rise or stand or fall with her decisions.

And even more importantly, I can see how important it is for me to become even more response-able for my own health, wealth and happiness, than I have ever been in my life. How important it is take even better care of myself, and to manage things even more effectively. To live even more authentically.

Now I have decided to move on and enjoy taking even better care of myself.

I have decided to develop my self-control, hold my higher standards, practice making better decisions everyday, focusing on what I want and love, rather than what I have lost or fear, and start actually living the lifestyle I desire.

Happy, free, confident...so many amazing things.


For me the word of the day is balance.

[LearningPatience]

Busting, one thing you said jumped right out at me

These are characteristics that I have been carrying around with me all my life.

Yesterday, for the love of God, I was feeling so done that I actually thought of being done and done. Like, how would I choose to kill myself, because I'm just too damn tired to go on.

But I know our feelings change.

RUN, don't walk, to a C and/or hotline. If you are having thoughts like this, even if you think you'd never do it, you need to talk to someone pronto.

I've been there, so I understand those feelings. They're horrible. But I'm proof that they can be overcome.

[zengypsy]

Not sure where I got these questions - think it might have been a friend who shared them with me after doing The Landmark Forum.

At any rate, I have found them to be helpful, and most often ask them in the present tense. ie "where am I feeling" vs. "where was I feeling". But answering in the past tense helps me integrate and condition the stronger feelings, beliefs, and empowering new behaviors...


1. Where was I feeling a loss of power?

I was feeling inadequate and insecure as a husband, as a lover, and even as a man. I was indulging in the tired old patterns of "not being worth it" and "not being good enough".


2. How was that showing up in my life?

Well yesterday it was showing up by me constantly checking my facebook and email accounts and telephone to the point of sitting there staring at the screen, and keeping me from my work. Totally unacceptable.

Prior to that it was showing up in my feelings of fear and jealousy and insecurity and distrust of my wife. The feeling of "not being worth it" is devastating pattern that has caused more problems and emotional poverty in my life than I could ever measure.


3. What was I pretending?

By pretending that "I'm not worth it" or "It's not worth it" or "I'm not good enough as I am" or "I'm not worthy of being loved the way I am", then I could get away with being small.

I could believe that things weren't really worth the effort, and I could let myself off the hook without even REALLY trying. I could pretend to go through all the motions, and still have plenty of good excuses when I didn't actually get the results that I desired.

I could also pretend that "Beckie is too big for me" and "we really aren't meant to be together" and that "other men can probably show her a better time in bed".

Then I could even explain it by saying "it's only because of the way those other guys are built", which would allow me to continue acting like a victim and a wimp and avoiding standing up for myself and the things that I desire.

It would even allow me to pretend I didn't have any power or choice in the quality of our relationship, so the fate of our marriage was only up to her and God. Not me.

This way, if she did file for divorce, or if she did sleep with another man, I could still pretend to have some dignity because "I never gave up."

Horse Hockey. Up until recently I wasn't even fully in the game.


4. What is actually true?

The truth is Beckie and I both know that no other person on the planet knows and understand her as well as I do. Nobody else is more attuned, interested or concerned about her feelings, no other man in the world is more devoted to her happiness.

The truth is, whether or not I ever get another chance to prove it to her again, I know that today I am an even more skilled, confident and honest lover than I have ever been before.

I am who I am. The door is open for her right now. It will not be open to her in the future without her making some changes, too.


5. What is my new possibility

My new possibility is to relax and be happy settling into myself even further. Practicing my "authentic swing". Being natural. My own pace. My own stride. My own...atistry.



Remember: To get results like I have never seen before, I must become something I have never been before.

So what must I become:

Today I am the possibility of being the most outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner that I have ever been.

I'm printing this out! Thanks BM!

Me too! This was awesome stuff.

[zengypsy]

BM, Just got caught up on your sitch. I haven't been on the boards much these days because my sitch remains status quo.

Having said that, I find your threads very inspirational and alot of your words really resonate with alot of LBS's. Keep posting, please. Your words are really helpful.

Just curious, what made you decide to join an on-line dating site at this juncture? It's almost like a mixed message because you say that you want to work things out with your W, but if it doesn't then you have some sort-of back up. Did you join to suffice your own ego and insecurities? Do you need a women to validate these things for you and who you are? Did you join because of loneliness?

It's been documented in many of my reads that you should give yourself 1-2 years before you consider dating AFTER a D. Why? Because there is a mourning period and it is extremely unfair for anyone to start up another relationship when it will be for the wrong reasons if you sift through it all. I happen to agree with this philosophy and I know that some do not and will not. There has even been some debate about this theory amongst professional therapists as well. Everyone has their own gage for what is right for their situation. I still feel that you need to give yourself time.

Behavior modification which in essence is what we are doing, takes time. It doesn't take months; it takes years. IMHO you aren't ready to date because your posts indicate that you are still on the rollercoaster ride. That you portray you are confident on most days but yet on others you still question yourself and your M. You need to still work on yourself and continue this fab journey that you have decided to take. Problems are portable so until you have fully purged that old behavior, something or someone may trigger the old one and you may revert back. My therapist had indicated that it's easy to make the changes in our minds, but the daily application is the harder piece.

[Busting Mode]

Thanks Zen

Yes, definitely feeling a mixed bag of emotions at the moment, so I really appreciate you speaking so directly and straight up.

I think part of the problem is I have started to doubt if she and I are meant to be together, too.

And that feels really strange to say because I have always resisted the whole idea of anything being "meant to be".

A big part of that is my fear of being out of control and truly giving things up to God.

Up until yesterday when she flat out rejected - among so many other things she has rejected - my birthday invitation to try a tantric sex workshop with me to see how it might help, I was really feeling pretty good.

She had told me how much she appreciated that I had backed off, and I was feeling good that I wasn't pressuring her in any way, even though the pressures on me right now are huge.

You are right, of course, in saying that unresolved stuff will continue to show up...and I know I'm not really ready or even all that interested in looking for someone else...

Guess I was just looking for a distraction so I wouldn't really have to face the prospect of living the next few years alone with nobody else but me.

I know part of me is actually looking forward to being in my own space alone - wherever that may be - but part of me is still feeling very scared and lonely.

Dang. That's why I love these boards and the people who are here.

Here we can find our own highest truth and practice living better lives.

Thank you Zen.

[Busting Mode]

Learning,

Thanks for your concern.

And, just because I have a thought, doesn't mean I have to fear the thought.

Doesn't mean I have to own it, attach myself to it, or place any significance on it all.

Despite the occasional slip or stumble, I am in command of my thoughts. My thoughts are not in command of me.

[Busting Mode]

What.
So what.
Now what.

What happened was, I read my WAW accurately and saw that she was indeed following a script she had no reason, nor even any power to change. I realized that she is still operating under the beliefs that ILYBINILWY, that "you are not the one for me" that "we are not meant to be together" that "you haven't really changed" that "nothing will ever really change between us" that "there is too many past and present problems for us to overcome" and that "because I can never get the feelings I need with you I have no choice but to find them somewhere else."

And these are just some of the beliefs that are driving her behavior. She has many others, too, not to mention all kinds of pressure and influences from family and friends telling her to move on.

So I saw all that well in advance, and I saw that she really didn't have any choice, and I was certain she would send me the divorce papers. Being certain of that, I had already prepared myself in advance, and I handled it beautifully when she told me the papers had been sent. Within a few minutes of getting that news, I had her agree to another DB session, and we both hung up saying "I love you." It was perfect.

Then what happened was my insecurity drove me to call her back and press for more. I acted unconsciously, and set us back again just like I've done before. She said many things that hurt, I acted like a wimp, and where I had already had a really big win, now I am feeling an even bigger loss.

I then allowed these unproductive thoughts and feelings to escalate to such a degree that I lost all of my composure and self-respect, I reinforced the unhealthy things that she believes, and I even allowed myself to think about taking my own life.

Hello?
Hello?


So What That Means Is I am still far more focused on her, I am still asking and wanting and needing things from her that she really isn't in any place to give. It means that by pressuring or pressing in ANY way all I am doing is pushing her away.

It also means that I am still not showing enough self-respect and confidence to do either one of us any good.

Now What I am Going To Do About That is:

First, I am going to finish writing this thread and let my thoughts...compost for awhile. Just let them sit and maybe turn them over a litte bit here and there.

Then I am simply come back here and read through my entire thread, to remind myself of the things that I am learning, the things I know are working, and discard the things I know are not.

I am still coming from a place of fear, and focusing on things I am afraid of, which of course continues to manifest them.

What I must continue doing instead, is focus on becoming the kind of man who is irresistibly attractive. To her, to other people, and especially to myself.




No What