H still living in home but cheating

[sandycay]

Hi Abbey,

I don'tpost much anymore but I do have one thing that I will post about to you and it's a 2x4 big time.

Please do not ML to your H while he is sleeping with OW... you are putting yourself at real risk for STD's . They last a lifetime and some even kill. Please respect your body enough for that. This is a big soap box of mine...because my H exposed me....he contracted one and thankfully I didn't but I was lucky. And....in his MLC craziness he believed that the lab work lied because of course the OW denied having it!!!! So, he believed her and not the blood test or two dr's.... crazy,

I will add that he is above average intelligence but had become blinded in the fog.

[sandi2]

Started working on the 180's yesterday and started working on becoming a happier me for my own sake.

Well, I admire you for that. I believe the hard part will be to stay focused on that goal and don't get distracted by what your H or OW may do.

I do agree with SandyCay about protecting yourself from STD. I have read from posters right here on this board that got it sleeping with their unfaithful S.

You thought it was rather twisted if your H were to think he was being unfaithful to OW if he slept with you, but when I was in an EA I would not even let my H see me undressing.....much less allow him to touch me! Twisted? You bet! But don't think it's a joke for a second. There is a reason he isn't having sex with you....but it's not b/c of "you"....it's b/c of the A.

So, what all do you have planned this week toward GAL? What will you do over the weekend that will be wonderful for you?

P.S. Watching movies with H doesn't count. In fact, doing anything with H doesn't count.

[abbey1989]

Hi Sandi2,

Thank you and will take the ML advice to heart. Blew that last night though....

Regarding GAL, today I am going shopping for some cute new clothes and then taking a sunset beach walk (alone), come home and make a great dinner and blast all of my favorite dance songs while I'm cooking and enjoying a glass of wine. Who knows what time H will get home?

This weekend I plan to work in the garden and hike a nearby mountain. Will maybe take my goldens to dog beach for a romp in the ocean. I've joined a photo contest so will bring my camera and will hopefully get some great shots of my babies.

Thank you Sandi2. You are very wise.

[abbey1989]

Thank you Sandycay,

I will take your advice to heart. I know I need to be very careful. The hard part is that he hasn't admitted A so how can I ask him to wear protection after all of these years?

[sandi2]

Your plans sound really great! The only thing I could think to add to that is to have something in mind that you could be doing when H finally gets home. It doesn't necessarily have to mean you leave the house, but mostly help you break out of the habit of "waiting" for him to come home. You might have a project to work on, or be here on the board with us......just so you'll have your mind busy.

[abbey1989]

Hi,

Great ideas. Unfortunately because I help run our business after my "real job", I'm typically here working at my desk. Pretty darn predictable. I did shop yesterday and bought some really cute new clothes and at least I felt like I looked like a million bucks when I went to work today. he he. Helps a little.

We are headed out to a movie tonight (my idea). Is that bad? Ugh...I called him 3 times this afternoon and he finally answered. I need to stop that I know! I'm just tired of giving him so much leeway to come up with lame excuses about where he has been and why he is late or why he didn't answer. When this all started two years ago, I heard someone say that when you are busy worrying about H and OW......who is living "YOUR LIFE". That hit me like a ton of bricks. So, pretty much for the last 18 months, I went about doing my own thing. H doing his thing during the days every weekend and then we would meet up in the afternoon to see friends or go out together. I never really asked where he was or who he was with. It was freeing actually.

But now that he called me from that other phone, I pretty much know where he has been and what he has been doing. Like seriously....he rides his bike for 4-6 hrs at a time on the weekends? Shouldn't he look like Lance Armstrong by now?

Anyway, I'm just ranting again. My day started out GREAT and then I lapse into limbo land and come here to vent. (Sorry!). Thanks for listening...

[sandi2]

I need to stop that I know! I'm just tired of giving him so much leeway to come up with lame excuses about where he has been and why he is late or why he didn't answer

Yes, you must stop calling him like that. The more you pursue him--the more lame excuses he is going to give.

Leave him alone. Give him the space and freedom he wants and focus on things you want to do without him. You don't have to have him to go to the movies, etc. Get a friend and go have some fun.

[abbey1989]

Hey,

Did great yesterday. Didn't call H and he actually came home semi-early. He had probs at work so I listened to what went on and we chatted about how to make things better (at work). Then we both stopped by to visit my parents (mom just had plastic surgery...ouch) stayed late and then went to a coffee shop for breakfast. Nice evening.

This a.m. my plan to bring dogs to beach was thwarted. When I woke up H had decided to clip the dogs. Very long process for goldens so my doggie beach day will have to wait. Too bad because it is BEAUTIFUL today. H went off to "work" so I planted a new succulent garden and I must say....it looks fantastic. I think I'm going to fix myself a martini and go layout by the pool with my People magazine. So weird but I am actually enjoying today!

H and I are headed to a play downtown this evening. Should be fun.

[abbey1989]

Interesting...

Not sure if OW wasn't around this weekend? H didn't get all dressed up for "work" on Saturday, just shorts and a t-shirt. Yesterday he stayed with our family all day. He even commented "Wow I haven't left the house today". Very very unusual for him. It was nice because son was home from college so all four of us just hung out and discussed daughters college options. She just found out yesterday that she got into her dream school! Now the fun begins....

H still seems sullen. We had fun at the play on Saturday night (of course he didn't comment on my dress) but we ended up having dinner at the same restaurant where we had our rehearsal dinner 22 years ago. Very relaxing.

I wonder what is going on in his mind. I wonder if he feels trapped in this life. I don't see a lot of joy in him.

[abbey1989]

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Please help.

My H is still definitely at least in contact with OW. He insisted he had nothing to do with OW's new house that she is building and I searched public records and found his name and phone number on some of the permits issued.

I am so distraight. I feel like a fool and an idiot. We are supposed to go to visit H in college this weekend but I am sick to my stomach.

He has lied to me SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even believe it. I know, I know I shouldn't be looking for this stuff, but I did and now I know. I think he is helping to build her house and then who knows? Maybe he'll move in. Timing could be just perfect seeing that my youngest will be headed to school.

I don't deserve this. I need to confront but am terrified. I want to leave this paperwork (that I found and printed online) on his desk but I know I need to clear my head and not be irrational.

Headed to the beach for a walk. Any advice is so appreciated.