Need Help dealing with my WAW

[JustStunned]

Those who try to encourage her to work on the M are the friends she may drop.

Though it does not need confirmation W has not spoken with one of my SILs in 8 weeks because of this.

I do not have words of my own for you, but I would like to repost something I read. Perhaps it will have value for you. These words may not be appropriate now. You’ll have to judge for yourself.

W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.

You are getting great feedback from Sandi and LP

[bboom]

I am trying to GAL and work hard on my 180. I've also been working hard on loving detachment and letting go of my WAW. I did a little backslide this morning by checking the internet history log on the computer. Looks like WAW was online yesterday shopping for ringtones for her cell phone, the search topic was "Ringtones for reconnecting with a lost love". I believe she continues to communicate with a former boyfriend from her youth who she reconnected on facebook about a year ago. My W and I had a long R talk the other night (initiated by her) and she restated that she was unhappy with the M and considered me a roommate and not a H. I think she tells herself we are just roommates to try to ease her own guilt while she pursues OM and tries to find her happiness. I disagreed with her description of our M as roommates and stated that we are legally married but our M is not healthy and not what it should be. I also stated that I took my M vows seriously, and I did not consider her a just a roommate, because that would mean I was free to go out and date, which I am not.
She didn't respond to that, and the OM (lost love from her youth) topic didn't come up. I'm wondering if I came across too strong?

[Starsky309]

No, those are your core beliefs, and I think you stated them well. It was an honest answer.

Starsky

[dbmod]

Hi bboom,

I agree. Now she knows your point of view. You will know the result of your conversation by her actions. Just watch and see, and tweak accordingly.

Keep your actions consistent with your words. In other words, treat her with the love and kindness you meant by being a husband. The things that keep her happy, without overdoing it and coming off needy. It's a trick, but one you have to accomplish.

[Busting Mode]

Bboom,

My 2 cents here is to immediately take 100% control of your finances yourself, and don't give her a dime that you don't agree with where it is being spent. Including her phone bills if you are paying for them.

You wife is not acting like a wife, and it doesn't sound like she has any interest in being a wife right now. So stop pretending that she is.

One thing you do and must have control over is your money. It's your money! You must immediately become 100% responsible for knowing and managing where every single dime of it is going.

IMHO, there is no reason to continue financing the affairs of an uncommitted spouse.

[bboom]

I appreciate the advice and support. I'd be lost without you people. As I continue to GAL and start to feel better about myself and gain more confidence I'm wondering if my WAW is worth the aggravation. Maybe I deserve better? Is it normal for the LBS to feel this way? The loving detachment was easier than I expected, but I'm not sure what it means.

[bboom]

I appreciate the advice and support. I'd be lost without you people. As I continue to GAL and start to feel better about myself and gain more confidence I'm wondering if my WAW is worth the aggravation. Maybe I deserve better? Is it normal for the LBS to feel this way? The loving detachment was easier than I expected, but I'm not sure what it means.

[bboom]

My Wireless bill is due so I went online to check the account. WAW is spending a lot of time each day talking to her friend (OM). She chats with him every day, as long as I'm not home, sometimes for an hour or so. It's kind of painful to see how I have been replaced, and I imagine they talk about how unhappy they are in their marriages and how everything would be great if they could just be together.

[bboom]

Quick journal entry for tonight.
Life with my W is strange. We sit on the couch together and watch TV, we sleep in the same bed, but there is a distance between us. We have pleasant talks and I remain upbeat and positive, but I worry about what is going on in her head. She isn't working and she has lots of free time, she often doesn't leave the house all day. I'm the LBS, but I think I'm in better emotional shape than her.
I know I should strive for loving detachment and let her work out what is in her head on her own, but part of me still wants to help her.
She has an appt this week with her therapist, and she is usually in a better mood afterwards. I think she is using the therapy and her divorced friends advice to build up her confidence to the point where she feels empowered enough to make a decision about what she wants to do with her future.

[OnMyWay]

We have pleasant talks and I remain upbeat and positive, but I worry about what is going on in her head. She isn't working and she has lots of free time, she often doesn't leave the house all day. I'm the LBS, but I think I'm in better emotional shape than her.

bboom,

I'm sure you are in much better emotional shape. Just remember you can't control her brain, so don't spend too much time worrying about what she's going through. Honestly, it's her problem and she's gotta figure it out on her own. Be prepared, though, as she will begin to battle with you over that very issue. I've just gone through that. My WAW didn't like it when I was "ahead" and quickly got her act together to counter my perceived "togetherness."

Our sitchs are very similar. My WAW is back in school, has MANY divorced friends, and moved out about 6 weeks ago to live with one of her GFs. Just now she's beginning to come back and spend more time with our D & me. The grass isn't greener. While it tore me apart, letting her go was the right thing to do.

Sandi2 is great at giving the F perspective on what our WAWs are going through. She's a tremendous resource. I myself have gotten a lot from her by just reading your thread. Thanks Sandi!

Keep your chin up and continue to GAL. You'll be just fine, no matter what.

OnMyWay