...the teacher appears

[sage]

Hey CHL -- arrgh on the 12/13/03 thingy...but thanks for pointing it out!

Sometimes you can't figure out why someone loves you - you just have to accept it.

So...that's the "problem" that I was trying (too hard?) to fix -- my difficulty in accepting love from my h...and from others, too I suppose.

Self-examination is one thing, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Why are you having an "arguement" with yourself? My concern is that your thinking about what your H might say taints your image of him. It's going to be difficult to accept his love if you're thinking about the negative things he might think about you.

So the list...and actually the thoughts on what ow had offered him that I didn't were both from March of this past year. I reposted them to show myself that I'm STILL STUCK in the same old, same old.

If your H is giving you all the signs that he loves you, why think all the negative things about yourself you stated above? When will you consider yourself "good enough"? (Not meant to be a jab. I really wonder if you'll ever consider yourself "good enough" as long as you can find fault in yourself.) Are you expecting too much from yourself?

So...it's an interesting question...am I being too hard on myself? Am I just finding fault with me? Or am I trying to get unstuck...to find a way past something that has plagued me for YEARS...certainly way before my m...

Am I being too hard on myself or am I NOT being hard enough? OK...so maybe beating myself up for my fears and anxieties isn't going to get me any closer to my goal...likely won't help me FEEL GOOD about ME...so..how about a more "strength based" approach...something that is fostered by the things I'm good at? I'm good at understanding myself...I'm good at bravely facing my motivations and actions...I'm good at putting a plan around changes...I'm good at implementing plans, tracking progress, making changes.

So...I have gotten stuck on the "info gathering" stage at times...which is where you caught me yesterday...re-reading old threads to see where I have been...to see what had worked...and what didn't, etc.

I guess it was just eye-opening to realize that I've identified this as an issue over and over again. Here's another weird thing...cleaning out my office yesterday I found an article (opinion piece, actually) from the paper from 3 years ago...it was titled "Trying to Learn how to Let Love In" and it was about this woman's struggle to learn how to be loved. I cut it out mid 2000.

I guess the teacher keeps appearing again and again and again...in a variety of guises.

Here's a strange thought...my biggest challenge appears to be learning how to be loved...to accept that I am loveable...there are times (ASSumption) when it seems as though h's challenge is to know that his love is GOOD ENOUGH. What a wonderful pair we will make in our VICTORY!

Underdog....I'm not sure this is exactly what you meant yesterday about positive approaches but it occurred to me last night that my goal needed more positive action...I still think that noticing the negative thoughts is very important for me...it's my best barometer for when I'm getting SCARED and for me scared = withdrawing and withholding...but here's some stream of consciousness thoughts I left on my voice mail last night...

3rd goal should be about getting to the place where I feel safe and loved and adept at loving h. What helps you feel this love? What keeps you from feeling it? what helps you feel good about sending him love?

Now...where to go from here????

I think I need to answer the questions that Karen has been asking me...

what makes me feel loved and safe and secure? what gets me to the place where I can offer that unconditionally to h.

Here's a message to my h if he is reading this... Sweetheart....thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and resilience and hard work and growth. I'm working hard at hearing what you are telling me every day...

Sage