Well something is happening. I just have no idea what.
Wife called last night. Sounded cheerful and happy to talk to me.
Not really what I would expect her to sound like if she had sent me the divorce papers, but it's hard to say for sure.
I'll go so far as to say she's showing more interest in me lately, and I'm still prepared for the worst.
But her tonality definitely has me curious, as does the fact that in each of our last 3 conversations she has initiated contact after a couple days silence, and then abruptly left.
She appears to be acting kind of skittish, actually.
Interesting, but like I said, I'm still believing she has to follow her WAW script and so the papers will be here any day now for me to sign.
Something tells me today is going to be a great day whether I hear anything from either way from her or not.
Today I've got a life to live! Today I am the possibility of being fully present every waking moment.
Enjoy!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Not sure where I got these questions - think it might have been a friend who shared them with me after doing The Landmark Forum.
At any rate, I have found them to be helpful, and most often ask them in the present tense. ie "where am I feeling" vs. "where was I feeling". But answering in the past tense helps me integrate and condition the stronger feelings, beliefs, and empowering new behaviors...
1. Where was I feeling a loss of power?
I was feeling inadequate and insecure as a husband, as a lover, and even as a man. I was indulging in the tired old patterns of "not being worth it" and "not being good enough".
2. How was that showing up in my life?
Well yesterday it was showing up by me constantly checking my facebook and email accounts and telephone to the point of sitting there staring at the screen, and keeping me from my work. Totally unacceptable.
Prior to that it was showing up in my feelings of fear and jealousy and insecurity and distrust of my wife. The feeling of "not being worth it" is devastating pattern that has caused more problems and emotional poverty in my life than I could ever measure.
3. What was I pretending?
By pretending that "I'm not worth it" or "It's not worth it" or "I'm not good enough as I am" or "I'm not worthy of being loved the way I am", then I could get away with being small.
I could believe that things weren't really worth the effort, and I could let myself off the hook without even REALLY trying. I could pretend to go through all the motions, and still have plenty of good excuses when I didn't actually get the results that I desired.
I could also pretend that "Beckie is too big for me" and "we really aren't meant to be together" and that "other men can probably show her a better time in bed".
Then I could even explain it by saying "it's only because of the way those other guys are built", which would allow me to continue acting like a victim and a wimp and avoiding standing up for myself and the things that I desire.
It would even allow me to pretend I didn't have any power or choice in the quality of our relationship, so the fate of our marriage was only up to her and God. Not me.
This way, if she did file for divorce, or if she did sleep with another man, I could still pretend to have some dignity because "I never gave up."
Horse Hockey. Up until recently I wasn't even fully in the game.
4. What is actually true?
The truth is Beckie and I both know that no other person on the planet knows and understand her as well as I do. Nobody else is more attuned, interested or concerned about her feelings, no other man in the world is more devoted to her happiness.
The truth is, whether or not I ever get another chance to prove it to her again, I know that today I am an even more skilled, confident and honest lover than I have ever been before.
I am who I am. The door is open for her right now. It will not be open to her in the future without her making some changes, too.
5. What is my new possibility
My new possibility is to relax and be happy settling into myself even further. Practicing my "authentic swing". Being natural. My own pace. My own stride. My own...atistry.
Remember:To get results like I have never seen before, I must become something I have never been before.
So what must I become:
Today I am the possibility of being the most outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner that I have ever been.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Not sure where I got these questions - think it might have been a friend who shared them with me after doing The Landmark Forum.
At any rate, I have found them to be helpful, and most often ask them in the present tense. ie "where am I feeling" vs. "where was I feeling". But answering in the past tense helps me integrate and condition the stronger feelings, beliefs, and empowering new behaviors...
1. Where was I feeling a loss of power?
I was feeling inadequate and insecure as a husband, as a lover, and even as a man. I was indulging in the tired old patterns of "not being worth it" and "not being good enough".
2. How was that showing up in my life?
Well yesterday it was showing up by me constantly checking my facebook and email accounts and telephone to the point of sitting there staring at the screen, and keeping me from my work. Totally unacceptable.
Prior to that it was showing up in my feelings of fear and jealousy and insecurity and distrust of my wife. The feeling of "not being worth it" is devastating pattern that has caused more problems and emotional poverty in my life than I could ever measure.
3. What was I pretending?
By pretending that "I'm not worth it" or "It's not worth it" or "I'm not good enough as I am" or "I'm not worthy of being loved the way I am", then I could get away with being small.
I could believe that things weren't really worth the effort, and I could let myself off the hook without even REALLY trying. I could pretend to go through all the motions, and still have plenty of good excuses when I didn't actually get the results that I desired.
I could also pretend that "Beckie is too big for me" and "we really aren't meant to be together" and that "other men can probably show her a better time in bed".
Then I could even explain it by saying "it's only because of the way those other guys are built", which would allow me to continue acting like a victim and a wimp and avoiding standing up for myself and the things that I desire.
It would even allow me to pretend I didn't have any power or choice in the quality of our relationship, so the fate of our marriage was only up to her and God. Not me.
This way, if she did file for divorce, or if she did sleep with another man, I could still pretend to have some dignity because "I never gave up."
Horse Hockey. Up until recently I wasn't even fully in the game.
4. What is actually true?
The truth is Beckie and I both know that no other person on the planet knows and understand her as well as I do. Nobody else is more attuned, interested or concerned about her feelings, no other man in the world is more devoted to her happiness.
The truth is, whether or not I ever get another chance to prove it to her again, I know that today I am an even more skilled, confident and honest lover than I have ever been before.
I am who I am. The door is open for her right now. It will not be open to her in the future without her making some changes, too.
5. What is my new possibility
My new possibility is to relax and be happy settling into myself even further. Practicing my "authentic swing". Being natural. My own pace. My own stride. My own...atistry.
Remember:To get results like I have never seen before, I must become something I have never been before.
So what must I become:
Today I am the possibility of being the most outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner that I have ever been.
Pretty good day today. Long, but got lots of work done. Good seeds have been planted in my business, I've been patiently tending my garden, starting to see enough life and growth in the projects I am working on to feel that I'm on track.
My promise to myself, is to be netting $10,000 per month online by May 31st, 2011. Myself I really only need half of that, but about 6 months ago I had also promised my wife I would accomplish that so she would no longer have to work, and whether she comes back to me or not, I intend to have the ability to keep that promise if she decides to recommit to our marriage.
I was both gentler and firmer with myself in terms of doing the things I needed to do in order to stay on track.
Still "miles to go before I sleep", but all work and no play makes Mike a dull boy, and after a satisfying day, it's time to relax, take a little stroll around the park, come back and read a little, maybe a glass of wine, and then lights out.
Sweet dreams DBers.
Remember we don't get whatever it is we deserve. We get whatever it is we focus on.
Are you focused on losing something or gaining something?
Peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
After chatting for awhile, she told me she had sent me the divorce papers and asked if I had received them yet.
I said no, and then asked her how she felt about sending them.
She said she still isn't completely certain.
She said she appreciates the space that I have been giving her without putting any pressure on her because she knows that her feelings change from day to day.
We talked some more and then I asked her if she would attend a second DB coaching session with me.
She answered by saying something like
"I guess it couldn't hurt, but what would be the reason for it? What would you want to do that for?"
As calmly as possible I explained that I had many reasons, but really I was looking for some help understanding each other's feelings and getting a neutral point of view.
She then started talking about her feelings that I just don't seem naturally attracted to her (God what an idiot I was), and that it never really seems to work with us physically the way that she really wants.
Then we talked a little more, me becoming increasingly passionate about why I want her, before she had to go and get the kids from school.
After she left, I typed out a message that I was going to send her, then thought better of it and decided to post it here, first to see if I could get some feedback before sending it or saying anything else to her.
What do you all think? Now that I know the divorce papers are on there way, should I send her the following message?
To: Beckie Subject: I'm happy you are standing up for yourself.
I'm happy you were able to finally get through to me and help me understand the way you have been feeling. I wish I could have seen it sooner.
I am happy you were able to tell me what you want and need. I wish I could have heard it sooner.
Unfortunately I was blinded by my fears, and didn't actually realize it until my greatest fears come true.
No I would like you to try again with me.
Because you have now made your feelings, wants and needs very clear to me, in as few words as possible, I'd like to share mine with you...
What I am always feeling is Love for you like no other.
What I want whenever you are ready is for us to try some more marriage counseling together before we make it final.
And the only thing I really need from you right now is for you to continue being true to you.
Of course there are so many other things I want us to be and do and have together at some point in the future, but if you feel there is still any chance at all than I
hope we can start with this.
Hmmm. On second thought, when I'm REALLY being honest, I also still want some of those sexy Canada Shirt photos.
MMM MM MMMMM!!!!
------------
I would really appreciate any feedback that you have.
Thanks,
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Just found your thread. Going through something very similar myself (as you could see from my thread). Just wanted to send out some support your way. Sounds like some of your efforts are paying off. Be strong, be smart, take care of yourself!
The bad news is I just received her half of the signed divorce papers in the mail.
Good news is, she and I talked today and she admitted she still isn't really sure one way or the other.
According to her WAW script, she has followed through in delivering the papers as I felt she must, so now the ball is in my court, and - amazingly! - according to my plan, she has now agreed to attend a db coaching session with me.
Not quite sure what my next move is, other than to wait and see what happens next, but I'm going to stop and relax a little bit here for a moment, breathe calm to keep my cool, and I'll come back and type some more in a little while.
peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Given that I just received her divorce papers today, I am surprisingly okay.
I think a big part of that is because I have taken the wise advice of other people on these boards and "prepared for the worst."
And, reading back through my thread, for the most part I feel I am being congruent in my thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and not just acting "as if".
I'm also taking note of how quickly I was able to manifest my intention of getting her to the DBing table once I got the papers. Within an hour of getting the mail, she was telling she wasn't 100% sure, that "counseling couldn't hurt", and giving me dates to go ahead and book an appointment for us.
Now it is time for me to wait again. It is her birthday on sunday and I know she'll be at work, where I have already arranged to have flowers being delivered to her, I have also sent her kids some gifts to give her from them, so I'm sure I will here from her on sunday if not sooner.
She is going out dancing tonight with her friends, I have no idea what her plans are on friday or saturday night, nor do I intent to ask.
What I am going to do instead is catch up on a little bit more work this evening, firm up plans to go out with my own friends friday night, and then do a little dreamlining.
See if I can get an even clearer down the path of my heart's desire and stride even more confidently in the direction of the things I want for me. Not for anybody else.
Oh yeah one more thing wife said "I love you" when hanging up the phone. I know she still isn't feeling "in love" with me, but "In harmony with God, we can make our Love do anything we want It to."
We'll see how that plays out on Sunday when she opens the birthday invitation I sent her for a spa treatment, full body massage and tantric sex weekend workshop.
We'll see.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
