...the teacher appears

[sage]

Karen -- I DO see us as alike in so many ways and I SO appreciate your honesty with me when you see me wandering down cheeseless tunnels...I am not upset with your frankness at all! I welcome it, friend, so please keep it coming!

It's great that you are making progress by not "putting it OUT to him." What is helping? How can you continue to FEEL better on the inside even if you are *acting as if* you are fine with him?

I guess time is helping...and meditating...and talking back to myself...etc. But I really, really want to FEEL better...to feel that "we're going to be OK feeling" that I've had on occasion in the last year.

I don't want to hijack your thread, but maybe this will help. In my case, part of the c-making is not necessarily to get the words, but to see that H could/would get really mad at me (and sometimes I would push to REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD at me), but he STAYED. For him to forgive me was the payoff.

I don't think I try to get h mad...I think I try to get him to CHOOSE me overtly....to say...yes, you are ok....you are who I want. I think I also try to get the verbal reassurances.

How does it feel to you to truly adore your h, to love him, to be completely open to him, to not have conditions on him? Do you experience that sometimes? I do...sometimes...not your h. But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time.

I HAVE felt that way....and honestly, I feel it in my heart...what I stop myself from doing is giving it away TO HIM....I tell h that I love him quite often, I am physically affectionate with him, etc, but it still feels guarded...don't get too close...don't give too much...he may hurt you again. But it's a double edge sword for me because I beat myself up for not giving him more, for not being able to take the leap...

Maybe THAT's my payoff...I get to beat myself up...remind myself that I am unloveable since I'm unloving.

I WILL get there, though. I know it.

****************
Had sort of a strange (but good) night. H had his first exam...I drove in to pick him up at school...while I was waiting I made some decisions about how to implement this goal...to open myself up...will put that into another post.

Anyway...I was psyched to see h because I figured we'd go out and celebrate his exam...he hasn't had the time or energy to go out much lately so I thought we'd have a date in town. H gets out of his exam, greets me and says "I may have committed a faux pas. I told ff that we'd give her a ride to her car (at the train station in our town)."

I was thrown for a loop for a bunch of reasons...I had thought we might go out (my ASSumption)...I was confused by why she would park in our town...and I wasn't relishing trying to quickly clean out my car to put another passenger in it...I was totally confused. FF comes up and we walk the 10 minutes to my car (freezing cold!) with them chatting about the exam.

h was awesome...took my hand while we walked...not hesistant at all.

We get to my car...quick cleanup...drive her to her car. She explained that sometimes she parks in our town since more trains go thru there. OK. that makes sense. Conversation is fine.

We are alone again. h says he's sorry for throwing that at me. I tell him it's ok but that I was confused...had thought we were going out...h rallied and said "let's go out on a date right now" so we went to a local place. On the way he said "I thought if you got to know her you'd feel less strange about her". I thanked him for thinking of that and he said "I'm trying".

Got to the restaurant and I offered a toast to his exams and to his thoughtfulness re. my sense of security. He toasted my support. I apologized by being thrown and he apologized for throwing

Lots of good stuff all around.

Sage