Quote: Something really, really scary emerged.... I've been STUCK in "h is doing really wonderful stuff for me but I'm still sad" mode since 03/03.
That blows. And is mighty embarrassing. And speaks volumes about where I need to be turning my energy -- 100%.
Sage, are you analyzing the situation/R too much? It sounds like you're examining your faults in an attempt to make yourself perfect. (Cheeseless tunnel?) You don't have to be perfect. Sometimes you can't figure out why someone loves you - you just have to accept it.
Quote: I found a list of "issues" that I thought h might say about me if he were really mad...this was eye-opening: So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)
Lacking confidence in our relationship Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person Clingy Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK Needing reassurance that A. is over Comparing myself unfavorably to ow Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me Insecure Anxious Suspicious Nosy Untrusting Never satisfied Pushy Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing) Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done Always questioning Mired in either the past or the future Afraid
Self-examination is one thing, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Why are you having an "arguement" with yourself? My concern is that your thinking about what your H might say taints your image of him. It's going to be difficult to accept his love if you're thinking about the negative things he might think about you.
Quote: What I'm actually wondering is if it wasn't the unconditional love that ow gave him that H. craves. I've never been able to relax and truly love him -- I mean, really love him, in the way that he's wanted. I think partly because I always felt as though he was going to leave me so I was always "on guard". Now, of course, just when it feels almost impossible for me to love unconditionally, I think that may be the unblocker for us -- but it's SO hard for me to break free of my fears and insecurities.
I re-read this paragraph about five times. If your H is giving you all the signs that he loves you, why think all the negative things about yourself you stated above? When will you consider yourself "good enough"? (Not meant to be a jab. I really wonder if you'll ever consider yourself "good enough" as long as you can find fault in yourself.) Are you expecting too much from yourself?
