Wow, Sage, this feels sort of like a year ago (I joined a couple of weeks after you)...

What I mean is here I am again wanting to lift your words and place them right into my journal.

Quote:

I'm not overtly asking for reassurances or bringing up the A...but my WITHHOLDING of joy, of complete acceptance of how good things are for us now, of love, of commitment, of calm is a way (in part) of reminding ME and of reminding HIM (I suppose) of THE STORY. You know the STORY -- where I was hurt and betrayed and on and on.

WHY? Because if I cling to the STORY...I get to cling to all the hurt. And I get to NOT QUITE forgive. And in some totally perverse (and untrue) way I get to feel a bit safer...

IF I don't fully forgive and it happens again, well, I won't have been duped.

If I don't fully forgive then maybe the fall won't be so hard or long.

If I don't fully forgive don't I get to withhold ALL that I am SO AFRAID of giving to him? Don't I get to do it "justifiably"? Well...I'd TOTALLY love you but you did this bad thing....

How convenient for me.





OUCH!!!....Oh yeah, this touched a nerve.

And Sage I think your action plan sounds GREAT...I know that when I first began self directed cognitive therapy and WROTE DOWN my negative thought content...I literally cried in shock to see HOW MUCH there was.

But I have found since taking up meditation that it is very helpful to be mindful of these thoughts, while as you know, only acknowledging them and letting them pass.

For heaven's sake...last night for the first time in a while I had trouble falling asleep (yeah we had a LATE party here on the weekend ). I heard one of our cats walk by the bedroom and for SOME reason started ruminating about the cat I had a as a child...how I'd let it get sick, hadn't taken it to the vet in time...

I was nearly in tears...and then I realized what I was doing!! Meditation worked like a charm.

Shiny