Hi, I'm new here and really wish I wasn't! I will try to explain my sitch as concisely as possible because it has been a 6 week roller coaster ride with so many twists and turns that I'm not even sure I've got it all straight. Here goes....
January 21- H tells me he thinks we need MC, he's not happy, we've lost our connection. He cites a comment I made in early December that I was concerned we are not a good match. I said that because he just hasn't been that into spending time with me and the kids and doing chores/projects around the house. Anyway, that comment apparently got him thinking and spiraling downward. He also has been doing research on D and says we fit the bill to get a D. I make an appt for that Thursday for MC. We go once, the next week he's sick so I go alone, the third week we go together and MC brings up his childhood. He gets very upset and even cries. No major trauma, but emotionally isolated parents and an uncle who he wished was his dad diagnosed with Asperger's and MIA for about 10 years now. A few days later I ask why he isn't making any effort to improve our R, he says he doesn't know if he want's to try. I convince him he should try hard for 3 months, then re-evaluate. He agrees. The next day, Valentine's Day, I get nothing from him. I ask what's up, and he says he thinks he needs to pursue IC before he can work on us. I say ok, good idea. We agree to go back to how we were (ok, no great) before he suggested MC. He is kissing me goodbye every morning and saying ILY. He is excited to begin IC, and I get my own IC. I try to be patient, not ask him stuff, not ask him to do anything, just kind of leave him alone. I try to remain upbeat, busy, etc. I find out a decrease in hours at work has been unexpectedly approved for me, and I tell him about it. I say I am worried about cutting my hours at this point and maybe I should take the full-time position available in my unit and put the kids in full time daycare. He says don't do anything that isn't necessary right now, and it may not be necessary ever. I feel better- that's a good sign, right? Well, fast forward 2 weeks to yesterday, when I found out through cell phone records that he has been having an A since 12/21, a whole month before suggesting MC and a couple weeks after my "not a good match" comment. I confront him and he tells me they have been talking and at first denies any physical stuff but with more questions admits to kissing OW. I am devastated. I tell him he needs to either stop talking to her and work on our R or move out. He spends many hours thinking and finally decides he wants us to separate so he can "work on himself, figure out what makes him happy, and how to have better relationships and be a better person." He does need to do those things, he is not good at relationships with his parents, his kids, me. He is a very selfish person and he admits it. I asked him if he thinks he's having a MCL and he laughed and said he had wondered the same thing. I also suggested he go see his doctor to see if he needs his meds adjusted. He has been taking a low dose of Zoloft since he started having panic attacks when I was pregnant with our first daughter 5 years ago. He said he probably should, but didn't say he would. At the end of the conversation he said he's sorry for everything and he will always love me.
So here I sit, not sure if he's moving out today or tomorrow or this weekend or what. Not sure if he will still continue his A and lead me on, not sure if he'll ever return. Not sure how I will tell our daughters, ages 2 and 4, and how I will protect them from being damaged by this. Not sure how I will get up each day and take care of business and the kids and myself and work. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
So H left last night to go stay with a (male) friend of his. We are now separated I guess. He swears he ended the A and that he will be using this time away to "work on himself" and his issues, and he is currently in IC to deal with his issues.
I have read DR, and have been using the techniques there for a few weeks now, but that was while he was living at home and before I knew about the A. Now I just feel lost. I have been abandoned with all the responsibility of taking care of 2 small children plus myself and the house and working outside the home. How am I supposed to GAL with all that responsibility?
Can anyone recommend any good books about MLC? I am driving myself nuts trying to understand. I know I should stop trying to, but I can't. If I don't take a sleeping pill every night I don't sleep at all, my mind just races constantly.
I really need some hope and encouragement right now. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
You CAN do this, it is worth the effort on your part no matter the eventual outcome.
People come through this better, more capable of being in a strong and loving relationship.
You will learn things about yourself that you never knew, become proud of yourself and become capable of things beyond your current means.
This is far from easy, and there is no quick fix for this, and you will come to learn that the only person you can control is you, but with that control you become so much more attractive.
Having come through this my marriage is better than it ever was, but it was far from easy, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done... and I have done many hard things.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok let me just say first, I'm very very sorry. Second, you will survive this, because everyone here does. I was "fetal" when this happened to me. I nearly checked myself into a psychiatric facility because I was suicidal. My family and friends took care of me until the therapy and the anti-anxiety meds could take over enough for me to function. 3 months later, I was off the medication, still in therapy. 9 months later, I am thriving as a single woman. I am now divorced as you can see from my signature, and I'm still trying to process everything but compared to the pitiful creature in shock I was less than a year ago to now, it's night and day.
So if I could do it, so can you.
I think the tendency we all have in the beginning is to try to fix everything at once (I still struggle with that even just in regards to my whole life) but when you are in the earliest stages of shock and trauma and denial on some level, you need to prioritize first and foremost, and just keeping yourself rested is the number one thing.
If you have to take a sleeping pill, take it. If your doctor won't keep prescribing them, get into therapy and get on some kind of low dose management meds like anti-anxiety or depression, whatever your doctor recommends. Get your sleep, get your rest, eat as normally as you can. Try to get yourself into routines about things. It's almost like you need to just focus on meeting your basic needs so you can stay strong for yourself and your kids.
You will feel like there is this fuse running out, like he lit the fuse, and it's traveling down that wire, and if you don't do things NOW and if you don't fix it all NOW that it will all explode.
It already exploded, in a way. I think that no matter what we face post "bomb", post-affair discovery or post-separation, nothing is ever as "explosive" as the initial shock and recognition that things are a mess in our marriages. So stop feeling like if you just "tackle this" or "do that" that you can stop things from happening. In a way it may be that the worst has happened already.
Things are going to happen. There isn't much you can do about that. The only thing you can control is your reaction to things, and the best thing you can do right now is get a handle on your basic needs for food, rest, chid care, and sleep.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
The encouragement I am going to give you is for YOU. You can not fix your H. You didn't break him and you can not fix him.
GAL may I suggest you take your children to the library. You can see what activities they offer them and you can look for the above books. They can usually special order books on inter-library loans. And it is all FREE!
This works by taking one step at a time. So take the first step and you will be on your journey!
Meganna - so sorry you find yourself here. The things that are happening around you are painful - but I believe you will find comfort in this site. You may not always agree with things that are said but I think you will see a strong support system here. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this place.
I see by your signature that you have two young daughters. What a blessing - as difficult as it is - turn your attention to yourself and your Ds. You did not cause this and you cannot control his behaviors.
IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Meg - my situation is similar to yours, my kids are younger and A started when I was preg the 2nd time. Your H is quite possibly still seeing the OW - He's going to be really weird for awhile, maybe forever. Keep an eye on finances, watch for strange transactions. Keep in mine the solution/resolution you want, but don't let yourself get blindsided since you have 2 little ones to watch.
Teratosa has a similiar situation - hers is so far working out, but she's over a year into this.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Thanks for all the support. I find it so discouraging to see so many going through this horrendous upheaval, but also take some comfort in knowing I'm not alone.
Given the fact that H already realizes he has childhood issues and is in IC and even said he'd wondered if he's having a MLC, would it be a good idea to find some info, a book or something to give him to help him understand what he's experiencing?
Yesterday I joined a gym and worked out for an hour. I haven't exercised regularly since before I got pregnant with D4 5 years ago. It felt really good. I've lost 25 lbs. on the anxiety diet over the past 6 weeks which I am loving also- babyweight begone! H came to visit kids while I went to the gym, and when I came back he was pretty cold, had packed more of his stuff to bring to his friend's house, and left pretty soon after I got home. I was upbeat and friendly, but later called my mom and sobbed with a pain in my chest so awful I couldn't stand it. I just keep thinking and saying "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to suffer like this ANY MORE!" I need to detach, but HOW?????
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
I agree definitely watch your finances see a lawyer just to get advice..dont tell h..this way you know your rights seperate the money if you can, the MLCer spends everything and some go in debt..my xh did they are not the same men we thought we M and you may only get glimples of him and many, many lies
as for You eat, sleep rest you can do it as you will read, many if not all of the LBS thrive and usually become whole and happy in time we have many internal resourses that emerge as we live each day You will figure it out and it takes time you will learn to take care of your children and work and gal in time stay with IC if you can it helps the children usually seem to adjust, maybe they may have things to work out but they would have things anyway even if the M worked Jim Conway has many books on MLC most libraries have them MLC is not your fault.. seems it may have something to do with childhood issues and only the MLCer can do the work peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
