Quote: So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)
Quote:
Lacking confidence in our relationship Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person Clingy Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK Needing reassurance that A. is over Comparing myself unfavorably to ow Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me Insecure Anxious Suspicious Nosy Untrusting Never satisfied Pushy Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing) Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done Always questioning Mired in either the past or the future Afraid
This is me to a t minus the ow/a stuff. I hope you are not mad at me. I seem to get fired up b/c we have a lot in common. Also this:
Quote: What I'm actually wondering is if it wasn't the unconditional love that ow gave him that H. craves. I've never been able to relax and truly love him -- I mean, really love him, in the way that he's wanted. I think partly because I always felt as though he was going to leave me so I was always "on guard". Now, of course, just when it feels almost impossible for me to love unconditionally, I think that may be the unblocker for us -- but it's SO hard for me to break free of my fears and insecurities.
And this:
Quote: Well....historically, my asking for reassurance has NOT gone well....it has generally made him feel as though he wasn't doing enough...felt judged...and reacted defensively.
This is all very similar to the interactions with h and me. He feels that no matter what he does, it's never enough. You had also mentioned that your h told you that he doesn't think you'll ever be happy. Are you proving him wrong?
My C also told h and me that he should NOT reassure me b/c that only feeds the insecurities. (Well, he quit reassuring me anyway.) I know that my h felt very hurt that I didn't believe what he was telling me so he didn't want to tell me anymore. He was hurt that I didn't trust him, and kept (keep) this wall up against him. OC, everyone wants to be loved unconditionally, no?? Especially by the person to whom you are married. They're supposed to be our best friends!
It's great that you are making progress by not "putting it OUT to him." What is helping? How can you continue to FEEL better on the inside even if you are *acting as if* you are fine with him?
I don't want to hijack your thread, but maybe this will help. In my case, part of the c-making is not necessarily to get the words, but to see that H could/would get really mad at me (and sometimes I would push to REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD at me), but he STAYED. For him to forgive me was the payoff.
How does it feel to you to truly adore your h, to love him, to be completely open to him, to not have conditions on him? Do you experience that sometimes? I do...sometimes...not your h. But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time.
I hope you are doing well. Yes, you do know what to do. I know that the old adage is "knowing is half the battle," but I think that's a crock! I think it is just the tip of the iceberg! The hard part is actually changing!! You have tons of insight! And you are making great progress!
