Just reread my first three threads from when I joined the BB. I had forgotten that my joining date was 12/13/03 -- Happy Anniversary to me!

So...what can I say other that rereading was my own very own rollercoaster ride. I'm amazed and oh-so-grateful at the support that I got in those very scary first days and (of course) that I get more than a year later.

My goal in rereading was to gather some nuggets -- to highlight the things that work and the ones that don't -- to get some of the benefits from all the brainpower I've been exposed to.

Something really, really scary emerged....
I've been STUCK in "h is doing really wonderful stuff for me but I'm still sad" mode since 03/03.

That blows. And is mighty embarrassing. And speaks volumes about where I need to be turning my energy -- 100%.

I dipped briefly into my first piecing thread -- thread number 4 -- which was the last time h told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be m....and tbh, that R talk and his comments seemed almost directly related to my inability to enjoy, immerse myself in, be open to, etc. his love and commitment.

What's the difference in 9 months? WELL...I DO a lot better at not putting it OUT towards him...and I am making progress on questioning it, working through it...but simply put...it's been there for months and months....

I found a list of "issues" that I thought h might say about me if he were really mad...this was eye-opening:
So....here's a list of behaviors that I would ascribe to myself or think H. would ascribe to me (note that these are the EXTREMES of behaviors -- I don't think I'm ALWAYS like this...)

Lacking confidence in our relationship
Lacking confidence in myself as a loveable person
Clingy
Needing constant reassurance that everything is OK
Needing reassurance that A. is over
Comparing myself unfavorably to ow
Critical of H. in terms of how he shows love to me
Insecure
Anxious
Suspicious
Nosy
Untrusting
Never satisfied
Pushy
Self-righteous (that A. is ongoing)
Disbelieving in what is being said and what is being done
Always questioning
Mired in either the past or the future
Afraid

And here's something from another post:

What I'm actually wondering is if it wasn't the unconditional love that ow gave him that H. craves. I've never been able to relax and truly love him -- I mean, really love him, in the way that he's wanted. I think partly because I always felt as though he was going to leave me so I was always "on guard". Now, of course, just when it feels almost impossible for me to love unconditionally, I think that may be the unblocker for us -- but it's SO hard for me to break free of my fears and insecurities.

Just reinforces the work I have ahead of me...

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.