Quote: What I've learned about forgiveness is that it is not only a decision, but something that you have to maintain on a daily (or even hourly) basis. I know you've made the decision to forgive your H for his A, but my personal experience is that you have to keep forgiving him.
The times where you have to make that decision again is usually based on fear--which I think ties in nicely to the rest of your post.
Yup...they are definitely tied together. That's one of the reasons why I'm proposing taking a "temperature check" (by noting my ow/lack of forgiveness thoughts)....sometimes I"m so unconcious of how pervasive my negative thoughts are!
Quote: Why not just tell him you're feeling a little insecure and want to hear the words again?
Well....historically, my asking for reassurance has NOT gone well....it has generally made him feel as though he wasn't doing enough...felt judged...and reacted defensively.
Now? Well, he certainly has turned up the heat on letting me know that I am OK...so perhaps asking specifically for something would go better than it has in the past.
I'm also aftraid to ask because I think there's a big part of me that's afraid of what I'll hear if he's prompted...I'm STILL not sure I want to be married to you...you'll NEVER forgive me...why is this taking SO LONG....etc.
Quote: My final observation is this. Will keeping track of your negative thoughts REALLY keep those thoughts and actions at bay? I've typically found that clinging to them any longer than necessary is not good for me.
So....it's more like in the meditative tradition...noticing them and letting them float away (as opposed to clinging to them...). I've figured out that I have negative thoughts without even knowing that they are happening...and I firmly believe that my brain and body and emotions respond to those negatives! Counting them (like, literally clicking a counter) is a way of bringing them to the forefront. It really isn't about dwelling in them...in fact, as I mentioned in my post...it's when I have that big, old fantasy talk with h (where I tell him to get out!) that I know that I'm in trouble and close to crazymaking.
I do get what you're saying, though....and I think I can work from a positive place, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
