Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

Thanks, figg. I am still DBing. I am taking care of myself. W has noticed the change. Working hard every day to be a stronger, more confident person. Nothing has changed there. I think I have been an amazing father to my baby. I look forward to raising him into a wonderful young man.

I am not expecting people to interpret my situation. I realize it is mine. I understand that I cannot change my W. I told her just last night those exact words. I told her that she was not broken, so I was not trying to fix her. She smiled and thanked me. If she is indeed gay, of course I do not expect to change that.

However, I am also a very confused person right now. I am just asking for outside opinion and support for how I may be approaching things. I am asking if anybody else has had a similar situation they can relate to. Am I wrong on my approach to this message board?

[grr]

hi sparks....you know what...the only thing i can interpret from that is that she is confused as well

as hard as this is going to be, you have to detach

let her go and figure it out on her own

let her go while you continue to heal from this pain and get stronger

if she is in love with a woman, there is no fighting that

but if this is just a phase, then that will fizzle out quickly enough

but you have to let her go for awhile

you can do this.....

just be the best you that you can be

and you are not wrong to post this
we are all here for each other

[sparks14]

Thanks, grr. I really needed that.

I realize that my W is very confused right now. Now that the A is out in the open, there really is no support system for her. Her parents, who are very involved in her life and very controlling, are not talking to her much at all right now. It is really tough on her. She says that they are extremely upset and trying to fix her like they always have. I have had a difficult time not contacting them, but I have taken the advice on here that they are her family and not mine. I have no business getting involved.

I see my W in the last month in a position where she feels stuck, scared, and confused. She still has strong feelings for OW and is trying to figure out her own sexuality. Hopefully self discovery (if she figures out how that works starting Saturday), time with her therapist, and the time spent with me and our therapist will get her in that place. I just fear that she will go to the OW to test those feelings again. I cannot control that. If she does, I have told her that a continued affair will end up going to divorce. I don't think there is an alternative to that in this situation. I just hope my W stays honest with me during this time.

I will continue to work on myself. That is most important right now. GAL and detach. Give her space.

[LearningPatience]

Sparks, best of luck to you this weekend as your W starts her voyage. I found it easier to detach and GAL when W and I were S late last year, so I hope you can do the same.

[sparks14]

Sparks, best of luck to you this weekend as your W starts her voyage. I found it easier to detach and GAL when W and I were S late last year, so I hope you can do the same.

Thanks, LP. Since the Fall, my W would spend several nights a week with OW (thought they were friends at the time). OW planned this whole detailed timeline as far as how they would proceed and end their marriages. There were several detailed steps and some have been completed. Moving into her own apartment was just one more thing on that list before she went through D. It is just creepy. That plan did not involve the A being out in the open (which I am sure put a huge wrench in those plans for the OW), but I still wonder if this is just the natural path W wishes to take. In the end, I have no choice but to support her. I just hope that she really is doing it for herself and to self discover on her own.

She has been living in the dining room of her brother's apartment for the last month. Even though it is separated from our house, it has not been the best place for her to spend time alone to think.

I do hope that it will be easier to detach and GAL with her at her own place, but on my end, it will be no different than the last month while she was at her brother's. I also worry about the detach part, due to our baby's needs. There are suggestions by our couple's therapist that I go there a few days a week to be there with the baby. I told my W that I did not wish to invade her space often, but a few days a week were agreed upon.

I just need to continue 180s, GAL, and detachment.

[LearningPatience]

Living on her own (vs. brother's) with an infant will be a huge wake up call for her, no matter what happens. You won't be able to completely detach due to the baby, but I at least hope you detach as much as you can.

I agree with not spending too much time in her new space. I told our C the same thing last night. W and I agreed to at least one date night a week (her idea even!), but she fears that I'll use flimsy excuses to stop by too often. I don't want to, it would make it that much harder to detach.

[sparks14]

Exactly. I just posted on alamo's thread about our weekly dinners with the baby. They are reserved for stress free simple time for us to be with the baby together. No R talk allowed.

They have been going very well so far.

W told me that when she got her place, she wanted it to be as accessible to me as possible. She didn't want me to feel like I was restricted from it. I think that is a good thought, but I agreed with her later that I will respect it as her time to be on her own and lessen the time that I am there with our S. This is a time for self discovery. My detachment will allow that to happen.

[figgeroni]

sparks...you can certainly come here for help...that isn't what I meant

what I meant to suggest is that instead of focussing on what she is doing
focus on what you are doing

I would rather read how you are changing yourself for the better than hearing what she is doing

and

your life should be lived that way
you should live it for you
not for what she is doing

it is hard to make that switch but once you do, you will get to a much better place, one of more calmness

you will feel more confident in yourself and will not need to check the path you are taking with others because you will KNOW it is the path you are taking, if that makes sense

tell us some of the things YOU are doing for YOU

[sparks14]

I understand Figg. You have been there as a voice of reason from the start. I was just a little confused by your suggestions.

I have indeed been focusing on myself. It has been a very difficult process, but I think it has been making me a better person.

I know you wish for me to come on here and tell you about what I have been doing for myself. I guess to me, I know and understand what I am doing for myself. When I take the baby for a 3 mile walk, I know that I am getting exercise and bonding with my baby. When I come on here, I often give updates concerning my W and our interactions. I do so, because it is what I am most confused about.

I understand that DBing is all about taking care of myself, but I would hope that I it is also about saving marriages for those that are willing to put their soul into it. I ask for interpretations or suggestions, because sometimes I just don't know. This board has been great for that.

I will continue to GAL. Maybe I should fill my posts with more of what I am doing. Well, I take care of my six month old son every other night. On my off nights, I try and make plans with friends and family. Tonight, I went to a local bar and had a few beers with three friends and talked about all sorts of stuff. None of the topics included my W, M or R. Nice night out. GAL.

I appreciate you checking in Figg. I will try and talk more about what I am doing for myself. I do think I am making big strides in this department.

[sparks14]

Not much contact with W yesterday at all. After she picked up our son at 6:45 to take him to daycare, I sent her my usual morning update text for son's daycare form. I told her that I hope she had a wonderful day and that she looked cute. I added the cute comment, because just the other day she mentioned how she didn't feel cute, due to post baby weight.

I then went dark all day. No messages from either of us, but I expected that as she doesn't have free time at work. We then exchanged a few quick texts, as she was looking for a battery charger for her iphone. That was right about 5:00.

I went out with a few friends for a few beers after work. Had a good time. Nice to get out of the house and around friends with no drama. No correspondence with W either way. She had our S.

I finally get contact this morning. She sends me a text this morning from school telling me that she will be a little late with a parent teacher meeting after school, but she will bring S to the house. She asked if I had plans, because she would like to hang at the house.

I told her no problem at all and to give me a shout while stuck in traffic getting home. Told her that she welcome to hangout, as went through bedtime routine for S. She told me that she has stuff to do around the house.

On Monday, W and I went through most everything she is planning on taking on tomorrow's move to her apartment. I am sure she just wants to get a few more things packed up.