I am very impressed with your eloquent posting. I truly think you know the answers to those questions that revolve around in that smart head of yours. Somehow, I think you're going to turn this thing around pretty quickly.
I want to comment on your observation that this might be about forgiveness. Crap, why does this theme keep surfacing for me? My medium friend told me a long time ago that my lifelong "theme" was about forgiveness, so I'm finally taking his comment seriously.
What I've learned about forgiveness is that it is not only a decision, but something that you have to maintain on a daily (or even hourly) basis. I know you've made the decision to forgive your H for his A, but my personal experience is that you have to keep forgiving him.
The times where you have to make that decision again is usually based on fear--which I think ties in nicely to the rest of your post.
You seem afraid of the what ifs. I'm not saying you're being unreasonable at all, but just recognize it for what it is. You commented that you need reassurance from your H. Why not just tell him you're feeling a little insecure and want to hear the words again?
I also congratulate you for understanding why you're not totally giving your heart away completely. It's human, Sage. But what you posted is the absolute truth.
Nobody here would tell you that being duped would be the biggest crime--but if you feel it's preventing you from more intimacy with your H, it needs to be addressed and put to bed once and for all.
My final observation is this. Will keeping track of your negative thoughts REALLY keep those thoughts and actions at bay? I've typically found that clinging to them any longer than necessary is not good for me.
Why not correlate all the positive thoughts you have to positive actions--both yours and your H's? I'm thinking this would be a whole lot easier to digest and work from. After all, who wants to work from a point of negativity?
Just a thought.
Hugs.
UD
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
