UPDATE 8:30pm Today was my first day at my new job. It's nice to be breathing and living the corporate life again! At least, for now. Today was the first weekday since my wife moved out last weekend that I have our son ALL night! I get to drop him off and pick him up from daycare tomorrow too. I love this kiddo! I wish he had both his mommy and daddy there always...you know what I mean.
One of my goals is to be able to do something (dinner, picnic, play) once/twice a month as a family with my wife and son by March. I want to make this happen, but the more I think about it, I wonder if it might seem like pursuing; I don't want to approach my wife and ask her if she'd like to do it, but I'm thinking if I just make a plan with our son, then invite her and see if she bites.
alamo, if you look back, I stated a similar goal not too long ago. And, just yesterday, we did spend some time together as a family. Me, my W, D and the dog. It was nice, but now that I have reflected on it, IDK. She is still with OM, she is still planning her future without me, is spending time together even productive right now?
I guess if I think about it, I don't have a good answer for you. My best would be, while that is your goal, your goal shouldn't be planning the situation together. It should be doing what you need to do for you, so your W wants to spend time together.
I haven't had any contact with my W since our time together yesterday, and I feel better now then I did right after. I was able to get back to ME today. And that feels better than thinking about how I get my W to do something I want her to do.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I don't like the idea of setting "goals" to do anything with my wife without her full cooperation.
Instead, I set intentions or promises for myself for things that can move us both in that direction, with less chance of me being attached or disappointed by the outcome.
In fact, although Michelle recommends we set goals, I use that word as sparingly as possible.
I prefer to make and keep promises to myself, as I've noticed people work harder to keep a promise than they will to achieve a goal.
So rather than having a goal to get my wife back into counseling with me, I have promised myself that I will not sign the divorce papers until I am certain she fully understands my position.
That may or may not require us to have some counseling together, but either way, I am more focused on my essential path and purpose, rather than striving and stressing and pressuring to achieve a goal.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Grr, CM and BM - y'all are right. That goal was too focused on my wife. Perhaps it'll be a better idea to make a couple of special outings with my son, and if she wants to go, maybe that might set something up for the future, aye?
In my sitch, our therapist recommended that the W, S, and I make plans to get out once a week. At first it was to find a neutral place to talk about our R, but when things started to hit the fan concerning trust, our therapist asked us to keep the R talk in the safety of her office. She did, however, think it was a good idea for us to continue the dinners with the intention of stress free, no R conversation. W has agreed to it.
We have been doing this for a few weeks now, and we both seem to enjoy it. In our sitch, it gives us a chance to start having positive communication again. In the end, it is not decided if W will work towards our M or D. To both of us, it was important for the sake of our baby, to keep things positive between us regardless of outcome.
I have asked on here if my detachment goals are being harmed by this dinner, and the consensus was that it was a good idea and to keep them up.
In your sitch, I do not know how your W would respond to the idea. If you do bring it up, let her know it is for your son's interest. It is important right now for your son to have contact with both parents at the same time for their development. You can approach this way, so she doesn't feel pursued or pressured. Just make sure to keep the talk simple and enjoy the time with your on together. No R talk at all. That would send her ducking for cover.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I agree. Making plans for yourself and your kid is controlling yourself, and not her.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
In your sitch, I do not know how your W would respond to the idea. If you do bring it up, let her know it is for your son's interest. It is important right now for your son to have contact with both parents at the same time for their development. You can approach this way, so she doesn't feel pursued or pressured. Just make sure to keep the talk simple and enjoy the time with your on together. No R talk at all. That would send her ducking for cover.
See, I still don't know. I am pretty sure that my W would agree to more time together with our D if I pursued that, but I don't know if that becomes a positive. Just because they agree, does not mean it is helping. They could simply be doing it out of guilt, no other reason.
I am not saying it IS a bad thing, just to be careful. I just had that time, it was nice, but I also cannot expect to believe my W felt the same way about it as I did, in fact, she most certainly didn't.
I just realized, I don't know what my point is. Just don't expect too much I guess...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Sparks - I am going to try to aim for that approach. Do something with my son and see if she show's interest. Aye or nay, it doesn't matter. But I will mention to her that our son would enjoy it if all of us can have some fun.
UPDATE 6pm My wife comes by to fetch our son and take more of her things away. She tells me that she will clean up after she's done with everything. I said, ok.
It was a pretty quiet affair - she packed upstairs and carried things back to the Nissan (which I thought she wanted to sell while her dad was here this week, but haven't. Odd.) while I played at the sink with my son. Later I took him to the Nissan and buckled him in. As she was getting in the car, my wife asked where I was working. I said San Ramon. She wanted to know with which company. So I told her and she asked how it's going. I responded and said, "It's going great!"
Then we said our goodbyes for the evening.
So either my wife is keen with what I'm doing now, or she just wants to know that I am finally financially able to move on with my life. I don't know.
