My long story about my young marriage. Any hope?

[smashley]

Hi there, this is my first post, I've been reading the boards the past few weeks and admire the strength and wisdom of many people here and hope someone can help me out. I’ll try to make it as short as possible, I’m on little sleep and my head is swimming but my registration was just approved and I’m dying to get feedback.

The relevant background:
* H and I are young. I’m 25, he is 22. We have been together for 5 years and married for 3.
* Not only am I older, but I have had a lot more life experience than him. I’m more educated, I lived on my own 5 years before we married, etc. He lived with his parents before we were married and has never been single.
* We both come from very broken families and from a town where the culture is anti-marriage. Neither of us can name one couple from back home that has been married happily for more than 5 years. We have no relationship role models, basically.
* We had a very tumultuous dating relationship and were very on and off.
* Right before we married H joined the Army and about 6 months after that he was deployed to Iraq for over a year. Shortly into his deployment I discovered an EA (later on I discover a PA and another EA) and left him. We were contacting lawyers, I moved out, the whole nine yards. Then suddenly, he has a “Come to Jesus” realization and says he made a terrible mistake, would do anything to fix our marriage, etc. I give him a chance to prove himself for the rest of his deployment (a little over a year).

That was over two years ago and in those two years he did exactly what he said he would. We worked HARD on our marriage, he read the relationship books, I set boundaries and he stuck to them. I thought our communication was wonderful. We were very, very in love, very connected, best friends, bragged about how amazing our marriage was. I thought those bad times in the beginning of our relationship were over and was so proud of the beautiful marriage we both created. He was amazing, caring, a great husband overall. We were planning on TTC this year. In October we even bought a new SUV to prepare for our future child.

I don’t know how much this has to do with anything but I think it’s worth mentioning that I suffer from depression and anxiety and H had never really seen me at my worst and this fall, I got pretty bad. I was going to therapy, taking my meds, working at it but I noticed that he wasn’t really getting it. I knew it was hard on both of us so in early January I talked to him about it, like I normally could about anything, to try to work things out. That’s when he dropped the “Bomb.”
He said he didn’t care; he didn’t want to do anything. He LMBWILWM. He said his friends from work (21 year old soldiers who are not married, live in the barracks and go out and party every single weekend) looked like they were having more fun and he wanted to be like them and live that life. I was in SHOCK. I asked him how long he felt this way and he said he wasn’t sure but he knew that he didn’t feel that way on Thanksgiving. So in two months he went from wanting to have kids and being happily married to wanting a D.


He agreed to go to MC after some pleading from me. He said that he didn’t think it would change his feelings, and wasn’t even sure if he wanted it to. He was living at home but from that conversation on he was a different person, distant, uncaring. He said he would “try” but I didn’t see it and said if he couldn't act like he cared then he should leave. He moved out.

This was about 6 weeks ago. After that it was very little contact and in all of his free time he was partying with his friends (Before this he never, ever went out to bars. I always wanted to go out and he said it wasn’t his thing. Not even for his 21st birthday). We met each other for dinner twice and went to marriage counseling once. It was incredibly weird, like I didn’t know him. His whole personality was different. It was very painful. I couldn’t take the lonely nights at home wondering what he was doing; worried he was going to cheat on me. I felt like he already checked out of the relationship. I gave him an ultimatum and said move back home or I’m divorcing you. He chose D. A few days later he moved his stuff out. By then I already REALLY regretted giving him the ultimatum and begged him to try again. He adamantly refused and said he was 100% over this M and there was no going back ever for him. This was 8 days ago and I haven’t talked to him since.

Of course, since then I’ve read DB and the forums. I can see all the mistakes I’ve made. I know I acted rashly and should have been grateful he was at least willing to go to MC. What was hard for me was that I felt like we had already gone through this! He left me and did this personality 180 before and he knows better. So I’m having a hard time figuring out if he is just an immature jerk who isn’t ready for marriage and I am a doormat who lets him emotionally abuse me. Everyone in my life thinks I should cut my losses at my age and find someone more committed and appreciative. On the other hand, he has also been a wonderful husband for the past two+ years, he is (normally) my best friend and I have a LOT invested in this relationship. I am so confused as to how things flipped with him so quickly. Was it my depression? Was it my neediness for him (I admit I have problems too)? Was it peer influence? Is he just a “bad” person? I have noticed a pattern that as soon as life gets a bit stressful he bails and I keep coming back to that, wondering if maybe with our family history and his age if he just doesn't have the coping skills to deal. I wonder if maybe he needs to just grow up and maybe this separation will be a good thing for that?

Right now I still want things to work but I need to know if it’s a lost cause. He seems very happy with being “single” right now. He does not think a R is at all possible and already considers himself single. But in our state there is a mandatory separation period of 366 days before you can file for divorce and like I said, we’re only on day 8. A lot can change then, right? I mean, a lot changed in a few months, even a few weeks. Right now I’m “dark” (not that he notices) and I’m trying to focus on the issues I brought to this R. It’s been hard for me not to wallow in regret for how I handled things recently, though. Every day feels like a million years right now. I miss him so much and am in so much pain. It’s especially hard for me to think of the girls I am sure he is sleeping with, especially since I have had to deal with that in the past and it is bringing up all those terrible feelings.

Thanks so much if you’ve read this far. So what is your take? Any hope? Should I cut my losses? Any advice? Any clue as to what is going on with him now? Is it possible to have a Quarter Life Crisis?

[smashley]

^ in case it got lost in the shuffle, this took forever to post

[KarenR]

Hi, I am so sorry you are in such a painful situation. You might want to shorten your post, so that others take the time to read it. I also hope that you would speak to a DB coach asap... Because he is so young, he certainly may do his own thing for awhile, but could very likely return to you. You need to be very clear what your goal is and what to do differntly when you have contact with him. Please take good care of yourself and call if you would like to discuss coaching options.

[Redo]

smashley: reading through your sitch brings out some points that i can relate to.

1: Your husband does not know much about relationships, except with you
2: You have a depression/anxiety which can cause you to be clingy and needy
3: You guys did not grow up with role models who had good marriages.

I have been on this path with my marriage. I was the depression prone/anxiety and needy one in our marriage. My W was lot more mature than i was. We married when i was 23 and she was 21. I did not have a good role model to look up in terms of relationships(my parents fought a lot).

One thing i can relate to your husband is that regret that he did not enjoy life before settling down. Maybe he wants to live some the bachelorhood times he sees with his buddies. If thats the case he will soon realize that "the grass is not always greener on the other side". I'd say give him some time.

I guess first off you need to ask yourself this question. How much do you love your husband? Are you willing to take this path for him, or do you think you'd be better of calling it quits. You need question your self on this and come to a decision.

But either way, i think this is also a time to face your own demons. Like your depression. Because even if you pursue a new relationship, these demons will haunt you. So during the time that your husband is trying to figure himself out, work on your self. Improve yourself. Make him feel that he's missing out on a good opportunity with you. And once he makes that step back to, work on improving your marriage bond. Talk to a marriage counselor etc.

I know it is easy for me to say to improve yourself emotionally. Hard to do. I am still battling with my depression and anxiety issues. But if i need to get my Wife and daughter back, I have to do this. Same with you.

[LearningPatience]

Smashley,
despite the age difference, I can relate to your sitch in many ways. My W also had to put up with my depression. It's very difficult to deal with depression in a spouse and can (and in my case did) drive the other away. Of course, this does nothing to help with your own depression.

My W was also going through that 'missed youth' phase even though she's a bit older. I did the same after my first M. Trust me, it wears off, but no one knows the timeframe.

A couple of things to remember: you are DBing for yourself, not your H. Make no assumptions what he may or may not be doing. Don't believe half of what he says. Finally, and most importantly, take care of yourself and your depression! It's not something you want to carry with you through your life.

There are a lot of supporting people here in lots of different sitch with a lot of hard-won wisdom. Use that to your advantage.

[dbmod]

^

[smashley]

I guess first off you need to ask yourself this question. How much do you love your husband? Are you willing to take this path for him, or do you think you'd be better of calling it quits. You need question your self on this and come to a decision.

But either way, i think this is also a time to face your own demons. Like your depression. Because even if you pursue a new relationship, these demons will haunt you. So during the time that your husband is trying to figure himself out, work on your self. Improve yourself.

Thanks for the replies so far. I know the above part is true, especially the bolded. I know there is no way I could be in a relationship right now because I have a lot of things to work out in myself. I also don't know what I would say if H called tomorrow and said he wanted to come back. I know I'm not there yet and neither is he. We both have a lot to work on.

I guess a lot of what I'm struggling with is whether hoping things work out between us will keep me from moving on. I know this is TERRIBLE and not at all GAL but I keep checking his Facebook and phone records (we share an account still). He is friending all of these girls, some are XGFs from the past that I think he may have feelings for still. He also is friending girls from bars (I know this because their profile pictures are with him at a bar). He is going through 350-600 text messages a day. Since he lives with his friends I can only imagine he is talking to other women.

I'm stalking him basically, and it's not doing me any good. I know that we're separated so he's allowed to do what he wants but it still hurts. I haven't talked to him since he moved out. He's telling everyone we're already divorced even though we're not even close. It's like I never existed. I need a kick in the pants.

Regarding the bold: I love H, really love him, unconditionally. I would be able to forgive him for all of this if we could indeed move on from it. I just don't know if I should. Is it possible he is just a "bad" person and won't change? Where do I draw the line? Why would he do this to me if he really loved me? I know no one can answer this for me but I am having trouble figuring out if this is a lost cause. It feels like one

[BlindTEENA]

1: Your husband does not know much about relationships, except with you
2: You have a depression/anxiety which can cause you to be clingy and needy
3: You guys did not grow up with role models who had good marriages.

Hey Smash

Sorry for what you are going through. To answer your question about Quarter Life Crisis; I say YES! I am in a situation very similar to yours (check my post when you get a chance). My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs; were 27. He was a GREAT husband up until about 4 mths prior to dropping the bomb. This is what is keeping me hoping for reconciliation. I can't judge him on his behavior within the last few months; I judge him on the 9 years we have been together.
Like your husband, mine has never lived on his own or lived the single life and it was like something clicked in his head and he all of a sudden wanted to be single.
I also suffered from depression and anxiety. After my mom passed away I became extremely needy/dependent on him and he couldn't handle it.
Also, we didn't really have role models of great marriages in our lives; my husband doesn't even have one role model of a decent man in his life so he doesn't even know how/what to really do.
Only you can decide if he is worth the "hope"
For me, I found that it is ok to hope because at the end of the day this is still the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and be the father of my kids. However, alot of things would have to change with BOTH of us in order to get to that point. So all I can do is work on me right now. We can not control what they do. I believe that if a man truly wants to be with a woman; nothing in the world can keep them away.
You know that saying; Let it go and if it comes back, you'll know that it was meant to be? I truly believe in it.
I know that it hurts like HELL. Trust me; I know what your going through. I spent a MONTH in bed depressed an paralyzed. It will get a little easier; day by day.
I did the "stalking" too and eventually it helped me to see that my husband was indeed in some sort of crisis because his behavior was completely left field for him. So eventually I just stopped checking because it just re-confirmed what I already knew; which is he wanted to live the single life.
My husband has rented an apt and seems to be on the fast track; I don't see reconciliation in our near future.
All I can do is work on being the best me that I can be. If he ever decided that he wanted to work on our marriage and I still wanted to then it would be a new beginning and if not; Life must go ON!
Warm Hugs.