H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Sooo tired today. I just want to close my eyes and sleep and wake up to a different world. My head hurts from thinking all the time.

I saw psychiatrist today. I went there to find out if I could have meds for my anxiety attcks, as I have not really had them before and both my H and D are afraid that I am losing it.

The doc talks to me and tells me NO. I cannot afford to blunt my emotions , he says, as that will keep me going on. He sees what I am doing as enabling the situation. As living in an abusive relationship. As not healthy for me and D. So much to think about.

Made me think of Scylla's posts.

H is out of town right now. He initially called us everyday but yesterday he did not call.

I have been continuously thinking back to all my DBing efforts, my successes and my failures. My inability to let go completely. My hang ups on what the outcome is. My fear of being left alone.

How H really felt about me. Thinking about RESPECT in our M - my H's to me and my own to myself.

Thinking about my D and how best to bring her up unscarred.

And yet, in spite of all these thoughts, life goes on, and then I go back to doing what I best know.

I am just so tired now.