IMO Sparks... don't worry about the $1900 unless you really, really NEED it.
I'm not completely familiar with your sitch, and for that I apologize. The issue for me is that you should only be doing things that draw your W closer to you... not pushing her away or driving a wedge bw the two of you.
In my sitch, my W left me, and did have an A.... okay, so how did I handle our finances?
When she first left, I began to take steps to have her removed from our car insurance, health insurance and cell phone plans... I told her that I was going to cancel our gym membership....
BUT... within a few days, when I got a little more emotionally balanced and figured out that I was going to fight for my M, I changed course with all of this. I have continued to pay for our insurance, cell phones, and have kept the gym membership. Recently, I have even given my W money to help her with bills. Although I only did this at the same time that I started to realize that W was reconsidering ending our M.
My W told me in early January that she was going to pay for her half of the bills that I was paying for... I told her "whatever makes you most comfortable"... of course she never did... she can't afford it and I knew that. But I truly didn't care.
One of my issues during my M was that I was selfish with money and always turned her expenditures into a big deal. I decided early on in my DBing that one of my 180s was going to be to let money matters go a little more.
In the grand scheme of things, what is $1900? In the grand scheme of things what will making your W feel upset do to your hopes for reconciliation?
I get the 'stand up for yourself' thought on this subject... but there is plenty of time for that in the future.
I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat... I don't think that you would be if you let the issue go... I think that you are considering the bigger picture... that being what is best for your goals.
BITS Denver
I agree with Denver here. One of the of my W too was that i was selfish with money. Nowadays i don't make money as a big issue even though D is looming big time. Money can be earned easier than love.
I omitted the results of the finance talk from couple's therapy, since the two hour conversation on our own over a couple of beers were so much more eventful.
In the end, I allowed her to keep the $1900. Discovered in therapy that she did not have any money, is not paid with her new job for three more weeks, had to pay two months rent on apartment since she didn't have credit. I guess once I understood the pressures she was feeling, I then understood why she took it.
We then decided to use the $1800 tax refund, pay off the $1000 in medical debts from our son's birth and split the rest.
The splitting of the accounts was a no brainer on both sides.
Soooooooooo... with the logistics out of the way, what do you guys think of the R talk that we had. I understand it is complex, because we are talking about a woman trying to discover if she is gay or not. I am just having a very difficult time acting so calm after this discussion last night.
I am thankful for the open communication and am excited that we are making headway there. I just worry about some of the substance of the communication. I feel like she is pretty much telling me that she is moving out to self discover without really knowing what that means. Not making any promises. Telling me how can she self discover without the idea of OW. That even before A, she wasn't totally happy in M. How as much as I could improve to her, that it wouldn't do anything is she was gay.
These are huge points for me to go through. Maybe these are all points that I have no impact on personally. Maybe there are things I can do to properly understand and communicate with her about them.
Any BITS out there want to take a shot at this? Any of the women out there have an idea how to translate this for me?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
