You ARE going to accept his dinner invite....right!!!
This is a big deal, this gives you the opportunity to show him your wonderful self.
He wants to do something nice for you AND with you on your birthday. It's not a quick stop for a gift and just dropping it off either. It's cooking for you and spending time with you. This is a different kind of gift.
IMO, the OW is gone.....
Your H is thinking about you.
This could be a turning point. Your birthday has perfect timing.
I am so interested in how you handle this invite.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Being the invite is the same evening he wants daughter over for the night is fine.
I think he has a fond memory of your family dinners back months ago and perhaps wants to re-create that atmosphere.
I think he wants you over and thought if daughter was there you would be more comfortable and inclined to accept.
I think he is not directly speaking/inviting to you, rather going through daughter, so it appears more casual.
Your H is once again testing the waters.
I hope you go.....
(((Hugs)))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I think H is inviting me via D so that it is a comfortable family meal and his intentions can not be misconstrued. He is deliberately keeping it in the family zone, and as you say keeping it more casual.
Last conversation I made it very clear I would not do the 'chasing' and initiating all the time any more and that he had to be seen to initiate the friendship. I told him clearly that I was cycling and some days I really couldn't be bothered with it all. I just said it as I felt it cos I figured I really had nothing to lose. Maybe, just maybe, he took something of what I said on board. Since that convo I haven't been in touch except to respond to a text message from H.
Really, who knows?? Anyway, I have accepted the invitation. I figure that if he initiates then I am bound to accept given I have told him I expect him to initiate, even if it is via D.
And the added bonus is I have a night off cooking as well and H is a good cook.
I think he has a fond memory of your family dinners back months ago and perhaps wants to re-create that atmosphere.
This could be a possibility and also likely that he is lonely as well.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I think he wants you over and thought if daughter was there you would be more comfortable and inclined to accept.
No, I think that he thinks if daughter is there I will accept it as a family dinner and no more. Gives him the back out clause...it was just for your birthday. we'll do it again next year.
Originally Posted By: SanderikaI think he is not directly speaking/inviting to you, rather going through daughter, so it appears more casual. [/quote
yes
[quote=SanderikaYour H is once again testing the waters.
Perhaps. I don't really know what to think anymore!
Your H invited you for dinner because he wanted you to come over for your birthday, he wants to cook dinner for you (and daughter)he would not have asked if he was not sincere.
If this was all as cynical as you make it sound, why did he bother at all?
Another thought, maybe he went through daughter because he was afraid you would say no.
I'm thinking on the lonely bit, OW just left he is probably enjoying a little peace and quiet.
He wants daughter to spend some time with him because he misses her. I find it interesting he is initiating time with you too, reconnecting? Hmmm
In not knowing what to do...maybe just go with the flow...they have all said that these things get fixed when the LBS least expects and stops trying to.
I do know that a bad mental attitude from us will send them back miles. I've been there and that's what happened.
Keep your thoughts positive and be absolutely irresistible.
I still think he is thinking about you.....
I hope it is a splendid evening for all
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I've been following your thread all day but didn't have a chance to post until now. When I read that your H invited you to his place for a special birthday dinner with D it made me think three things: (1) The first thing I thought was that H invited you to his place so that he could be sure that you know that the OW and her S are not there. Is this possible? (2) H initiated the invitation and is going to make you dinner. Depending on what he prepares, that could be a lot of work. In the past did he make you dinner on special occasions? Is this consistent with H's past behavior or is this new behavior? (3) Have you been to H's place before? If not, this sounds like a significant step.
Hello Sanderika and GAG and thanks for your responses. Sanderika I didn't want to sound cynical but I guess I've just got jaded with the whole thing and I feel that in looking for ulterior motives it ensures I expect nothing from H and anything else will be a bonus
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
, (1) The first thing I thought was that H invited you to his place so that he could be sure that you know that the OW and her S are not there. Is this possible?
Yes, I thought of that too, GAG. I'm sure he would have expected that D would have told me but this removes all doubt. Then, one has to wonder why he needs me to know!!
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
,(2) H initiated the invitation and is going to make you dinner. Depending on what he prepares, that could be a lot of work. In the past did he make you dinner on special occasions? Is this consistent with H's past behavior or is this new behavior?
H has always been a good cook and he cooked family meals often but we usually went out for special occasions. I can't recall him ever cooking anything for a special occasion. I think he will keep it enjoyable but simple. He won't want to look like he is trying to do anything special. So, what do you think a new behaviour indicates, GAG?
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
,(3) Have you been to H's place before? If not, this sounds like a significant step.
Yes, I've been there 3 or 4 times. I was there when he invited me to have a meal when his parents were staying which was about October and before that we had D's birthday there and another night the 3 of us went to dinner and the restaurant was cold so then we went to his place for dessert. Another couple of times I've been there on invitation to collect things and he's invited me in. So, not overly familiar but not a new behaviour. However, since he hasn't ever suggested any family meals for my birthday.
So, when I reflect on your questions I get an understanding of why I feel cynical......I've had some of these experiences before as part of H's hot/cold/hot/cold routine.
The other interesting thing is he knows I am going out Fri night so that would have been the logical night to invite D (as she'll be home fending for herself foodwise) so the invitation for Sat seems an interesting choice.
Happy Birthday! It's still Friday here, but it's Saturday where you are. Is Saturday really your birthday? or is it just a birthday dinner day? Is birthday dinner at H's place still on? I hope that you are doing something special for yourself to celebrate your birthday in addition to dinner.
You are one special lady! Very few choose to travel the journey you have taken over the past few years. You have been true to your sense of commitment and modeled personal integrity to D. I wish all of the happiness you deserve in the year to come.
............I've been meaning to post to you something I read recently in Jed Diamond's book "Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship form the Irritable Male Syndrome". I wanted to share it with you because you and I have both been puzzled about what it might look like when an MLC man emerges from the tunnel. Diamond writes "One of the great pleasures I get....... is seeing people break through their denial and realize there are things they can do to make their lives more joyful and to have the kind of R they long for. It's an interesting and somewhat mysterious process. For one man, a book jumps out at him in the library, the fog in his mind clears, and he's ready to address these issues. For another man it's a long and difficult process. He resists and resists and it seems he's never going to be willing to recognize how much Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) is affecting his life. Then one day something shifts inside and he's ready to work..........After helping men, and the women who love them, for over 40 years, I've come to believe that every man will recognize that IMS is a problem. It's just a question of when. Sometimes he "gets it" all at once. Sometime he gets a little piece of the puzzle at a time."
Diamond goes on to say that it helps IMS men to deal with their IMS if they learn to recognize what triggers their reactions. He says "Usually the triggers take us back to some earlier time in our life. Rather than just interacting with those in the here and now, we are actually interacting with shadows of the past. It could be our mother, our father, a brother, sister, grandparent, previous spouse, etc.
It was interesting to read the perspective of a male therapist who has worked in this area for many years.
Please let us know how your evening turns out, OK?
