Sparks, my W has also been dealing with the self-discovery issue like yours. The hardest part for us is that it's their self-discovery and we can't really do anything but watch and be supportive. We'll have to compare notes later
From my viewpoint it's looks like you are on the right track. Of course this track is the world's longest roller coaster and you've been fitted with blinders so that you can't see ahead. But at least you're on the track with the seat belt fastened!
You'll be alright, hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Just like any other sitch you have a 50/50 chance. She might be gay she might not. My W might come back she might not. I think overall YOU are moving in the right direction.
She has admitted to you that she sees the changes that are actually a very good thing. Now she needs to figure it out on her own. Unfortunately we can’t do anything about it except continue to work on yourself and be a friend to them.
There was a poster about a month ago going through the same thing. I don’t remember his name though.
We talked for a long time about all sorts of things in our current situation. The point I mentioned last night was just the one that stuck to me the most.
She says that she is moving on Saturday and been told that this will be a time for her to self discover. She then brings up the OW and how that is a huge emotional void right now with the no contact. She said that she felt like she left OW out high and dry when she called concerning the no contact.
The woman on this site would bash me for trying to interpret my W's thoughts and words, but I think she feels almost like there would be no self discovery with the OW. She tells me that she does not know what self discovery means. I told her that talking to her own therapist will help guide you through this process. We also have our couples therapist.
She said what am I supposed to do? I will have an apartment to myself, all of these crazy thoughts, and no idea how to proceed. I told her that self discovery is about taking the time without outside pressure to learn about yourself and try to put things together that work best for you. She still says that she just doesn't know how this will work. She then kept telling me that she could give me no promises (which was disheartening but real).
Right now, I think she feels like this great emotional and physical bond with OW was just stopped cold turkey, because her husband said so. She has used the word "put on a shelf". I just hope that she can continue to work on her self living on her own and continue the communication with me. I am in it for the long haul and have told my W that. I just told her that we need to continue to be open and honest with each other through this process.
I will continue what I am doing and know that I will never be able to make this decision for my W. It is a tough spot for both of us to be in right now.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
If W decides that after moving into her own apartment, that she cannot self discover her sexual orientation questions without the OW involved, should I still sit back and be patient? Keep in mind, the A was 10 months strong, and my W still has strong feelings for OW even though there is no contact.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
IMO Sparks... don't worry about the $1900 unless you really, really NEED it.
I'm not completely familiar with your sitch, and for that I apologize. The issue for me is that you should only be doing things that draw your W closer to you... not pushing her away or driving a wedge bw the two of you.
In my sitch, my W left me, and did have an A.... okay, so how did I handle our finances?
When she first left, I began to take steps to have her removed from our car insurance, health insurance and cell phone plans... I told her that I was going to cancel our gym membership....
BUT... within a few days, when I got a little more emotionally balanced and figured out that I was going to fight for my M, I changed course with all of this. I have continued to pay for our insurance, cell phones, and have kept the gym membership. Recently, I have even given my W money to help her with bills. Although I only did this at the same time that I started to realize that W was reconsidering ending our M.
My W told me in early January that she was going to pay for her half of the bills that I was paying for... I told her "whatever makes you most comfortable"... of course she never did... she can't afford it and I knew that. But I truly didn't care.
One of my issues during my M was that I was selfish with money and always turned her expenditures into a big deal. I decided early on in my DBing that one of my 180s was going to be to let money matters go a little more.
In the grand scheme of things, what is $1900? In the grand scheme of things what will making your W feel upset do to your hopes for reconciliation?
I get the 'stand up for yourself' thought on this subject... but there is plenty of time for that in the future.
I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat... I don't think that you would be if you let the issue go... I think that you are considering the bigger picture... that being what is best for your goals.
BITS Denver
I agree with Denver here. One of the of my W too was that i was selfish with money. Nowadays i don't make money as a big issue even though D is looming big time. Money can be earned easier than love.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
IMO Sparks... don't worry about the $1900 unless you really, really NEED it.
I'm not completely familiar with your sitch, and for that I apologize. The issue for me is that you should only be doing things that draw your W closer to you... not pushing her away or driving a wedge bw the two of you.
In my sitch, my W left me, and did have an A.... okay, so how did I handle our finances?
When she first left, I began to take steps to have her removed from our car insurance, health insurance and cell phone plans... I told her that I was going to cancel our gym membership....
BUT... within a few days, when I got a little more emotionally balanced and figured out that I was going to fight for my M, I changed course with all of this. I have continued to pay for our insurance, cell phones, and have kept the gym membership. Recently, I have even given my W money to help her with bills. Although I only did this at the same time that I started to realize that W was reconsidering ending our M.
My W told me in early January that she was going to pay for her half of the bills that I was paying for... I told her "whatever makes you most comfortable"... of course she never did... she can't afford it and I knew that. But I truly didn't care.
One of my issues during my M was that I was selfish with money and always turned her expenditures into a big deal. I decided early on in my DBing that one of my 180s was going to be to let money matters go a little more.
In the grand scheme of things, what is $1900? In the grand scheme of things what will making your W feel upset do to your hopes for reconciliation?
I get the 'stand up for yourself' thought on this subject... but there is plenty of time for that in the future.
I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat... I don't think that you would be if you let the issue go... I think that you are considering the bigger picture... that being what is best for your goals.
BITS Denver
I agree with Denver here. One of the of my W too was that i was selfish with money. Nowadays i don't make money as a big issue even though D is looming big time. Money can be earned easier than love.
I omitted the results of the finance talk from couple's therapy, since the two hour conversation on our own over a couple of beers were so much more eventful.
In the end, I allowed her to keep the $1900. Discovered in therapy that she did not have any money, is not paid with her new job for three more weeks, had to pay two months rent on apartment since she didn't have credit. I guess once I understood the pressures she was feeling, I then understood why she took it.
We then decided to use the $1800 tax refund, pay off the $1000 in medical debts from our son's birth and split the rest.
The splitting of the accounts was a no brainer on both sides.
Soooooooooo... with the logistics out of the way, what do you guys think of the R talk that we had. I understand it is complex, because we are talking about a woman trying to discover if she is gay or not. I am just having a very difficult time acting so calm after this discussion last night.
I am thankful for the open communication and am excited that we are making headway there. I just worry about some of the substance of the communication. I feel like she is pretty much telling me that she is moving out to self discover without really knowing what that means. Not making any promises. Telling me how can she self discover without the idea of OW. That even before A, she wasn't totally happy in M. How as much as I could improve to her, that it wouldn't do anything is she was gay.
These are huge points for me to go through. Maybe these are all points that I have no impact on personally. Maybe there are things I can do to properly understand and communicate with her about them.
Any BITS out there want to take a shot at this? Any of the women out there have an idea how to translate this for me?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Another night with my S. It's interesting how a mother changes her attitude when she is not getting her way. When I discovered the affair, she was terrified that I would fight for full custody of our 6 month old and get it in our very conservative county.
I told her that was not my intention at all, and would be happy with 50/50 co-parenting. She happily agreed.
In couples therapy last night, she brought up the fact that with her new job, and daycare, and the 50/50, she never gets to spend time with our S. She tells me that at this stage, the mother should spend more time with the infant. My couples therapist then starts chiming in how my wife is correct, and how she has not heard many stories where custody is split this way with an infant. I had to tell my W that I did not choose this situation. My chose to have A. W chose to move out. W chose to get a job with daycare next door on the other side of town that would make it physically impossible for me to help drive S to and from daycare.
First, why on earth would my couples therapist offer these strong opinions during our session to put me in a corner. Second, where does my W come off with these new concerns.
After awhile, I agreed to meet with some kind of parenting coordinator (whatever that is). My W really doesn't know either. All she knows is that she feels she is not with her S enough.
Sorry to vent. I would, however, appreciate feedback from the post above about our last R talk. Glad we are able to hangout, talk about life, and also communicate about us right now. Thanks!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
