Shine on you crazy diamond II

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS, thanks for the advice. As always, I look forward to your input as it helps to keep my head clear and pointed in the right direction.

*************************** UPDATE ****************************

Well, she beat me to the punch. Today, I had an appt with my C. I went in there and worked with him on a strategy to communicate with my W. I was all excited about my plan, thanked him and headed out to leave. When I got to the car, I had a text on my phone... from my W!

Once again, she needed something from the house. Now, I don't know why she is texting as we had both agreed to conduct all convos via phone. No emails, no texting. We both agreed to that. Anyway, she wanted access to the house for a couple of things. So, I called her back. I refuse to text her!!!

Well, I got voicemail. I was kind of disgusted, but had to find a way to let it go. Before I could put the phone down, it rings. It was her!

I answered as cheerfully as I could. I was all smiles and sunshine. I am not going to do a "blow by blow," here, but I want to get to the high points and some things I think I have figured out this afternoon:

1) We stayed on the phone for 30 minutes.
2) She was very nice and we laughed together numerous times. It was like old times. I enjoyed every minute of it.
3) She apologized for not returning my VM from 10 days ago after I told her I was thinking about calling her and was too busy to do so lately with my brother's wedding looming.
4) I asked her how she has been. She immediately started telling me all about her actions as of late with detail. Where she has been, what she has been doing, stuff about work and so on. Very chatty and very detailed. I reciprocated.
5) She really shocked me though. At one point, she went into great detail to tell me about her plans for Mardi Gras. I didn't ask and wasn't going to out of respect. But she told me.
6) She told me that she has been keeping up with my grandmother via telephone and expressed worry about her.
7) She made it a point to tell me that she went to my SIL's wedding shower last weekend which was a 90 minute drive away and held at my aunt's house. She told me how pleased she was that nothing was weird and that my family acted so nice to her.
8) We talked at length about our nieces and how much fun they are to be around when they are young.
9) There was no garbage, no games. She never once took a shot at me or tried to mess around. It was, in my opinion, honest and true conversation between us. It was really nice and I DB'ed my behind off the entire time.

Toward the end, she asked for a time that she could come by. I played stupid a bit and acted like I would have to make time for her. She seemed to be appreciative and was willing to work around my schedule. In true DB fashion, I refused to commit to a time. I told her I would have to check my schedule and call her Tuesday. She happily agreed. We exchanged a few pleasantries and she had to go. She did beat me to ending the call. My bad!

None the less, the call today was not a victory. We are definitely still at a stalemate, at best. But, today made me consider some things that I would like to put out for the group:

1) I think going dark has helped, but it may be time to go more dim than dark. Our last couple of phone conversations have been really nice and she does not seem to be in a hurry to get off.

2) I think she really likes the new me that doesn't pressure, talk about the R or push for meetings or dates.

3) (I know I am mindreading a bit here, but I was with her for 15 years and I do not a bit about her) I think the 15 days of darkness was attributed to two things:

a) She left and she knows it. She will not be the one to initiate contact. I think she is still too proud to do so. Not to mention, she has stated on three separate occasions that she does not want to "give me false hope." I think she thinks that a call from her for anything other than logistics would be false hope.
b) I think I may have made a mistake. I got on here and was complaining about her lack of response of the past two weeks and since she got the money and furniture she needed. I realized that I was on here protesting that I knew she has screwed me with "niceness" to get what she wanted. But, I realized that was a touch of old me. So, I went to my journal and looked up my record. I was a bit embarrassed. The truth of the matter is that I have only contacted her once or twice in the past 30 days myself. And, the last time was to get something from her. I have a feeling that when I went dark, she got scared or worried and decided to cut off all communication also. That is why she texted today, instead of calling. But, when I left her the cheerful message letting her know she could call me. She called, literally, within seconds of hearing the message.

I think I have learned something today. My W just is not going to call me unless it is dire. And, that is OK. I have to keep reminding myself that I am the one that caused this mess and I am the one that will have to do the work to clean it up. I think she really still wants to stand in place and make me walk to her. If that is the case, I am ready, willing and able to do it.

Going forward, I have decided that "dim" will be my new method of operation. I have an appointment in the morning with my coach to discuss my strategy. I want to make sure I am on track. But, I do believe I am going to start making contact once every 6-7 days from now on just to test the waters. Obviously, going completely dark was just not going to work for us. Hey, you live and you learn.

No, today was not a victory. It was, at best, another stand off. But, I did get a bit of a view into her world and I do believe I will take this and move on. No celebrating, no dancing, no upbeat songs on the radio. Today, I learned something about her and, for that, I am grateful!!!

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

[gucci loafer]

No, today was not a victory.

Says who?

Of COURSE it was a victory.... FOR YOU...

SHE IS THE ONE THAT CALLED.......

I know you think that two weeks of going dark is a long time, but let me assure you... It is nothing in the scheme of things...

15 days and you are wondering if going dark is working???

Man up.. 15 days is nothing. Remember.. SHE contacted YOU..
Stop being so weak and wishy washy. Hold tight. Nothing to worry about. You are a big boy, you can handle it.

"Men men men men, manly men men men!"
"Men men men men, manly men men men!"
"Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.
"Men men men men, manly men men men!"
"Men men men men, manly men men men!"
"Men ..."

[2stepboogie]

Dude first of all I am stoked for you!!! I feel like my small victory when you have success!!

Now, I don't know why she is texting as we had both agreed to conduct all convos via phone. No emails, no texting. We both agreed to that

FOBD, Who cares??!! ANY contact is good contact. She texted, you called, she called back. Great!!

Don't overlook the small victories. If you have trouble seeing them let me help you out:

We stayed on the phone for 30 minutes

Small Victory

She was very nice and we laughed together numerous times

Small Victory

She apologized for not returning my VM from 10 days ago

Small Victory

She immediately started telling me all about her actions as of late with detail. Where she has been, what she has been doing, stuff about work and so on. Very chatty and very detailed. I reciprocated

Small Victory

At one point, she went into great detail to tell me about her plans for Mardi Gras

Small Victory

We talked at length

Small Victory

She never once took a shot at me

Small Victory

None the less, the call today was not a victory

I totally dissagree. 13 days and 0 contact? No it's not time to pop open a bottle of chanpagne but it is a small victory no less.

[ironMan]

I think it was a victory as well, FOBD. Go back and read your posts prior to her coming to the house to get stuff to remind yourself how far you've come.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Team, thanks for the input. All very, very good stuff. I just don't want to get too excited about what it happening. I still have a very long road ahead and I don't want to celebrate just because I got a first down. But, I do appreciate the words of encouragement.

Had an awesome session with my DB coach this morning. Good news, bad news. The good news is that she thinks my strategy for the time being is sound, right on target and has a good chance of being successful if carried out properly. Bad news, she thinks I was getting a bit ahead of myself thinking that I should have the apology speech with my W right now. Instead, I am going to simply work on the lines of communication right now. Over the next three weeks, I am going to initiate brief and pleasant conversations with her and monitor how she responds. If she seems to like the way we are progressing, then I may put myself in a place where I can deliver the sentiments I am holding in my heart. But, for now, I just have to hold her firmly in the "friends" zone until the time is better suited for the thoughts I want to tell her. Time and patience are the key components of the DBing philosophy. It is just hard to wait sometimes...

I did find one thing strange about my convo with my W yesterday. She did something that she has done a couple of times before. She seems to purposely try to bring up that things are not what they should be right now. Here are some examples:

Right after she moved the furniture out she asked the following question on the phone, "I guess the place looks a little weird and uncomfortable with some of the furniture missing, huh?

For the past 15 years, we always take a vacation together to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. This will be the first time in the history of our relationship we are going to miss this vacation. She, yesterday, on the phone, she comments, "Boy, this has been a strange year for Mardi Gras, huh?" She said this just moments after we discussed the fact that we are going to be doing separate things for Mardi Gras.

So, here is what is bothering me. If you were the WAS and you knew that leaving is causing these unpleasant situations, why in the HELL

[♪CS♪]

I think this is a great move for you FOBD. You were dark a long time, and by the sounds of it, it wasn't for nothing. Looks like it developed some positive changes with your W, and she contacted you first! I think at this point a good "dim" approach will work well now. Keep some contact going, but make sure it does not come across as pursuing. Tough balance sometimes, but you got it...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Team, thanks for the input. All very, very good stuff. I just don't want to get too excited about what it happening. I still have a very long road ahead and I don't want to celebrate just because I got a first down. But, I do appreciate the words of encouragement.

Had an awesome session with my DB coach this morning. Good news, bad news. The good news is that she thinks my strategy for the time being is sound, right on target and has a good chance of being successful if carried out properly. Bad news, she thinks I was getting a bit ahead of myself thinking that I should have the apology speech with my W right now. Instead, I am going to simply work on the lines of communication right now. Over the next three weeks, I am going to initiate brief and pleasant conversations with her and monitor how she responds. If she seems to like the way we are progressing, then I may put myself in a place where I can deliver the sentiments I am holding in my heart. But, for now, I just have to hold her firmly in the "friends" zone until the time is better suited for the thoughts I want to tell her. Time and patience are the key components of the DBing philosophy. It is just hard to wait sometimes...

I did find one thing strange about my convo with my W yesterday. She did something that she has done a couple of times before. She seems to purposely try to bring up that things are not what they should be right now. Here are some examples:

Right after she moved the furniture out she asked the following question on the phone, "I guess the place looks a little weird and uncomfortable with some of the furniture missing, huh?

For the past 15 years, we always take a vacation together to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. This will be the first time in the history of our relationship we are going to miss this vacation. She, yesterday, on the phone, she comments, "Boy, this has been a strange year for Mardi Gras, huh?" She said this just moments after we discussed the fact that we are going to be doing separate things for Mardi Gras.

So, here is what is bothering me. If you were the WAS and you knew that leaving is causing these unpleasant situations, why in the HELL WOULD YOU BRING THIS UP DURING CONVERSATION???

If I walked into a bar and punched you in the face for now reason, do you honestly think I would then bring that up weeks later in a light and friendly conversation? No, no way in hell! I mean, what does she want me to say? "Yes, the house looks awful and I cried in the middle of the living room floor where the couch used to be after you left!!" Or, maybe, "Yes, Mardi Gras is going to suck *ss and I will be completely lonely and lost considering you will be no where around." What is she fishing for here???

None the less, I ignored her questions each time. I simply stated, "well, this is what it is" and changed the subject.

WAS's????? Can't live with them, can't understand them.

She is coming over tomorrow night to pick up some things from the house. I will get another chance to DB. Got some work to do.

Funny moment today. The DB coach asked me if I plan to ask my W to dance at my brother's wedding. I could not answer that question...

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

You can say that again!




Sorry, couldn't resist!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Yea, funny stuff. I hit the post button too soon on the first pass. I didn't get a chance to post my questions. Thanks for the input. I hope you are doing well and hanging in there!

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

Same to you man. And don't get me started on trying to truly understand the WAW. It is a mystery that will never be solved...