I guess this qualifies as a semi-significant event….
I know I had mentioned it, but I started getting a real strong urge to start testing the waters a little bit. I just really wanted to get a better idea of where I am. Anyways, here it goes, I am not the best at remembering details, so I’ll do my best.
After landing back home I called the W. We had talked about me getting my D tonight, so I wanted to check on that. I started by saying that I had to drive up to my parents first and get the dog (~2hr round trip) so it would be a little late. We were talking a bit and then she remembers, if I take my D tonight, then she would have to do a full day of daycare tomorrow, I hadn’t thought about that either. I brought up just taking her to dinner tonight; I would call her back after I got the dog.
Well, the conversation continued. We talked about my weekend a bit, and I asked how she was doing and what she did with our D this weekend. She said “not much” and at this point I noticed that the sound of her voice was not the “super cheery” it had been. We do so much of our conversations by text, that I do not get an opportunity to pick up on this sort of thing very often. Anyways, she continued a little about that they had a pretty quite weekend, and like I said the sound of her voice was somewhat down, sounded like she was bored I guess. We did have some funny stories in here too, guess my D (who is in the infant stages of potty training) pooped on the floor! She also had the cat this weekend, which it sounds like she will keep her, so there were some stories there as well. One part; she described how she took the door off one of the hallway cabinets and put the kitty litter and food in there for her. I praised her on what a clever solution that was. Cheesy I know!
Then for the first time in ages, some “situation” discussions started. She asked if I had looked into transferring my insurance to my work program (I am on hers, she is a nurse and it is a great program). I said no and then… Basically I brought up, “are you going to file?” Her responses, as close as I can remember was “well, it is something we are going to have to do; I thought we would do it together, didn’t want to surprise you with a singing telegram.” I did think that was pretty funny, I said something about a guy in a bear suit. Well, then I did stumble through some of this, but ended up at least making my point. I said “I understand that is what you want, and I won’t stand in your way. But, that is not what I want or what I believe in, so it is not something I can support.” We didn’t really linger on it, she was not, and so far hasn’t been, pressing that issue. Really I don’t know if it is because she is just so caught up in her life that it isn’t a big deal to her right now, or if it does, at least deep down, have to do with doubts. Anyways, that was about all of that part, really wish I hadn’t brought up the “D word,” but… Oh one other thing I decided to throw out here, I mentioned I had some books on the subject if she was interested. She, basically said no, without saying no. I quickly stopped, said no pressure, there here if you are ever interested. 2step, I have to blame you for this one!
I am sure I am missing something, but that is about all I can remember of that part, this will be long anyways!
So, I call her after picking up the dog. I remember, I have the dog, I can’t take D out to dinner, so I ask the W if I can pick up D and take her to the park for an hour. She says “Sure, I’ll meet you there, I’d like to see the dog!” Here I think she just realized that she invited herself along. She follows up “or I don’t have to, if you want it to just be you and D.” I said of course not, you are welcome to join us. Then she makes the point of “I don’t want any deep conversations, can we just keep it light?” I said of course. So it is decided, we will meet at the park.
Now, before this conversation ends it gets really weird. I have to back up a little here. I think I mentioned it in my original post, but the OM is married as well, and has a 12yr old D. When things first went down, I made a huge mistake, I contacted OM’s W. I was just looking for answers, and I got some, but things quickly got weird. This lady was NOT handling things well. My W knows that we had talked. Anyways, this lady is now harassing my W. My W tells me the stories, she is getting crazy messages, demonic voices with threats. Weird stuff too, picketing at her work. WTF? I tried and tried to just listen here, but I made a big mistake. I kind of defended the lady, saying it is hard to judge a person who is going through this, yada yada. At one point I know it bothered my W, I noticed that and shut it right down, still though, not good. Anyways, she just wanted to let me know so I would not contact her anymore. I emphasized that I had no plans to and was not interested in getting caught up in the drama. She laughed and said “either was she!” I brought up a restraining order, she agreed it might get to that point. W at one point said, “I just want to make sure you’re on my side.” I said of course I am.
I’ll also noticed something here, something that really shows me how “out there” my W is here right now. My W mentioned that she didn’t want their 12yr old to get caught up in this, how worried she was about her. But the way she was saying it, it was OM’s W and her acting crazy that was so bad for their D, not anything she had done. She still does not, IMO, realize how her choices are factoring into all of this. Any ways, we were able to end the conversation positive and the plan for the park was on.
Before we meet, I stop off for a coffee, so I grab one for my W, I know her favorite and got it for her. So, we meet, she appreciates the coffee. We take a walk around the park, about 45min in total. Conversation was good overall and flowed well. There were jokes, I have to say for the most part it was the conversation a normal married couple would have, actually better I guess since I was actually paying attention! Besides all of the real light stuff, she talked about her apartment a lot, all of the things she has gotten and how she has decorated it. She brought up money quite a few times. Talked about how the current situation of having to split the mortgage and pay her rent has made things tight. She hinted about how we have to sell the house, but didn’t say it outright. She mentioned stuff she still needed, a computer and a TV. Talked about how I always set all that stuff up, so she didn’t know where to start. Mentioned that her place has a gym, but she can’t go often because they don’t have daycare. I notice some of the same “not quite as cheery” attitude pop up here as well. Like I said, “money is tight”, “bored at night alone”, etc (I still don’t know how often OM is there), things like that. Some reality might be sinking in… I talked some about myself here as well, I tried not to a whole lot, wanted just to listen more.
Some things here I really saw I need to improve on. Eye contact, while it is kind of hard when walking, I need to do it more. When I did, she looked right back at me. But I often got back to just looking back ahead. The other is offering solutions. All the talk is how when they complain you should just try to “understand,” I caught myself a few times “offering solutions.” I did catch myself though and at other times tried to just listen and empathize.
I thought things ended very well, we played with D a little bit together, and wrapped up the conversation we were having. She brought the coffee back up and thanked me again. I said thanks for meeting me, how nice it was to see D after a long trip. She said, in a very nice tone I must say “any time!” I think she genuinely enjoyed the time together and wants to do it again. I left feeling really good about how things went. It was a milestone for me to have some time like that together. Now, where to go next…
Boy did I ramble…..
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
