So i talked to my daughter yesterday. As usual i have this weird stress when i call the number to my W. I feel like i am about to take the exam of my life.
So this time, phone comes on and daughter starts talking. So i guess W of her family decided not to talk on the phone. So i had my entire 15 min conversation with my 3 year old and then hung up. Usually my W stays on and interprets some of what my daughter says. This time none of that. I am trying not to read too much into it, but can't help. It could be that she's upset about our previous conversation. She decided that it is better for her not be part of our conversation. It could be anything. I really need to stop doing this.
So i was thinking that W may not invite me to daughter's ceremony they planned to have next weekend. But i did get an email late last night with W telling me that they moved it to March11th. She asked me if i would be coming. I guess that's one positive thing.
With the stupid specter of the final divorce-decree haunting me every moment, some of these little joys are turning into emotional outbreaks for me.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
All you can really do at this point karma is work on yourself. Try to imagine what you would be like if you took all the energy you waste on anxiety and channeled it into getting stronger.
Ultimately you need to accept that you may or may not be able to save your M, but your best chance lies in becoming a better man. If things do not work out for you, it will also put you in a better position to move forward and make your life into something great without her.
If that just sounds too painful, you are probably too tied up in her emotionally, and that is one of the reasons you have found yourself in this position. Society propagates all kinds of myths about the role of a man in a healthy R, and as nice guys, we buy into them. We make our W our everything, and lose sight of the fact that in order to have a healthy R, what we need more than anything else is a strong sense of self.
Without that strong sense of self, our W lose respect for us, and with it goes attraction (or in "we need to talk" terms ILYBINILWY).
I know it is a hard road you are on, and I truly feel for you. Work on detaching, being happy with yourself, and developing a strong sense of self.
Decide that your happiness depends on nobody else but you (so true, but possibily the most difficult thing to actually live, I have yet to master it).
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
If that just sounds too painful, you are probably too tied up in her emotionally, and that is one of the reasons you have found yourself in this position. Society propagates all kinds of myths about the role of a man in a healthy R, and as nice guys, we buy into them. We make our W our everything, and lose sight of the fact that in order to have a healthy R, what we need more than anything else is a strong sense of self.
Without that strong sense of self, our W lose respect for us, and with it goes attraction (or in "we need to talk" terms ILYBINILWY).
I know it is a hard road you are on, and I truly feel for you. Work on detaching, being happy with yourself, and developing a strong sense of self.
Decide that your happiness depends on nobody else but you (so true, but possibily the most difficult thing to actually live, I have yet to master it). SF
Thanks man. Yea, somehow i weaved my life around my W for these 11 years. I actually got to the point where i ditched some of my friends because W could not get along with their wives. I think nowadays i am feeling little more positive about myself than i did last month. But i know i have a loong way to go. New trouble is that my parents are here. My mom is a very negative person. So I am having to deal with my issues and deal with her talking bad stuff about W and her family. I feel bad, but i am waiting for them to go
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Hopefully one day a light bulb will go off, and you will realize you can be an island. You can be a rock. You can be an immovable and completely independent object (use whatever metaphor you please).
What I mean is, it will no longer matter what anyone else is projecting, your sense of self is so strong, your boundaries so defined, as to not be negatively affected emotionally by anyone.
Validate your parents opinions. You do not need to agree with them. Do not be affected by your parents. It is time to be your own island, instead of just one in their chain.
Do not just sit around feeling bad, waiting for them to leave. This is an opportunity to practise what you are learning here.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I replied to W's email in the morning that i would be attending daughter's ceremony. W replied asking if i'd like to hang out with daughter after the ceremony, at her parent's place or take her to the Zoo.
Yea, i'd love to take daughter to the Zoo after the ceremony. But would it too much if i told my W "You are welcome to hang out with us if you'd like" ?
Knowing that the zoo might take about 2-3 hours, I am wondering that even if she accepts, would we slip into to old reminiscing and R talk. One one hand i'd love to spend some time with W too (it has been 2 months now since she left). On the other if i dont invite her, would it be telling her that since she has made the D decision, there are some fun stuff in life that she would be missing out.
Any feedback ?
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Ask if she'd like to join you. If she declines, try not to take it negatively. If she accepts, don't be overly enthusiastic, but upbeat. It's a fine line to walk, but you can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ask if she'd like to join you. If she declines, try not to take it negatively. If she accepts, don't be overly enthusiastic, but upbeat. It's a fine line to walk, but you can do it.
Thanks!. Yea either way I cant wait to see my daughter and hang out with her. If W comes along, great. If not, at-least I know that i offered her an opportunity.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
So i did say to my wife "Yup, will be taking daughter to the zoo. you are welcome to join us if you'd like"
She replied "I appreciate the offer--you and daughter should spend time with each other"
I knew that i should not have expectations. But i did feel bad. Anyway i am glad at-least she did not say "I dont want to come with you!"
As they say, when it rains, it pours. Just had my dental exam done and sufficient to say i'll be emptying my pockets to the dentist, and they suspect something in my sinuses but are not sure what it could be. Just what i needed right now
I have been reading this self-esteem book and one thing the book does say is not to procrastinate and face your fears. I guess it is better i am taking are of my dental issues right now rather than later.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
