Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

W came by this morning to pick up our S. I had everything ready and was making her coffee. Got a one armed hug out of nowhere. Not going to lie. Felt good.

So couples therapy tonight?

I could use some help with this one. Last week was our first breakthrough where we actually talked about feelings instead of just bringing everything out in the open with new discoveries, apologies, trust issues, etc.

I hate to take a step back, but I have to bring up finances to my W tonight. This has always been a touchy subject for us in the past, but I need for her to understand that by her moving out and into her apartment as well as getting a job, we are going to split off our joint account and live off solo bank accounts.

I think she might be receptive to this and really has been doing it for the most part. I am going to have to bring up the $1900 she pulled out of our account Saturday morning that was not fully hers. I will just have to tell her that the $1800 tax refund that I agreed last week to split with her will now be going to our debts as originally planned.

I really hope this discussion does not blow up, takes 10 minutes to talk through, and allow us to talk more about us.

Any suggestions out there that may or may not know my sitch on how to get through couples therapy??

[LearningPatience]

Were you planning on bringing up the finances during therapy? If so, I probably wouldn't go into the details w/ C, maybe just get some general advice on how to discuss the issue fairly and calmly w/ W.

I hope the financial discussions go well. If you already think she might be receptive, concentrate on those feelings. PMA and validation will make the discussion so much easier for both.

[gucci loafer]

Of COURSE you bring up the $1900 and all money issues.

Stop being so weak and wishy washy. It is probably part of the reason she isn't attracted to you. Women don't respond to weak and wishy washy men and men who seem scared of them...

Bring it up confidently and be firm. No doubt she may get upset or mad. So be it. You are on the verge of letting her walk on you. You know what they call a person who allows themselves to get walked on don't you?

Time to start getting some backbone and a little male toughness.

Standing strong will earn her respect. Right now she doesn't really respect you because you are allowing her to dictate most all things because you are too scared to come across as strong and tough. Don't let her fool you.

[sparks14]

Finances during therapy. I say this, because we are at a point where any major discussion between the two of us is occurring at therapy. For discussions like this, our C actually acts like a mediator while we get on the same page.

For me, I have been very open, supportive, and busting my 180s in the last month. I spent the entire therapy session last session just listening and validating while my W went through what troubles she saw in the M before the A. This topic is about crossing a boundary for me. When my wife pulled out the $1900 without discussion to use as "free found money" to reserve her apartment, it crossed a boundary for me. I need that to be known. I would then like to provide her my ideas of a solution.

As a couple that lives paycheck to paycheck with a 6 month old, money issues are taken seriously.

I want to be careful not to ram the decision down her throat, but then again, she did cross a major line.

My goals that may need ordering:

1. W crossed a boundary with me concerning taking out the $1900 without any discussion. Money was from a missing paycheck from last summer that we could have used and have equal entitlement to.

2. Last week, I agreed at the suggestion of our C to split our $1800 tax refund in good faith, since we are still married and filed jointly. Since you have decided to take the entire $1900 without discussion, I think it would be fair for me to keep the tax refund and pay off the medical debt from our son's birth as well as other debts of our as intended originally.

3. We will work of solo checking accounts and no longer use our joint account. You will be responsible for paying your apartment and you expenses. I will be responsible for paying the house and my expenses. We will split our son's expenses evenly.

That is the beef of the financial conversation. Now how on earth do I present this? I feel like this should be something where I put my foot down, since she had the A and she chose to move out when we were already scrapping by. I also don't want her to think I am bullying her about finances. Just last week, she mentioned that one of her major problems with me, was that she never felt she had a say in finances. She wanted to pay off debt, where I would allow us to spend more.

Thoughts on the approach or order to present?

[sparks14]

Of COURSE you bring up the $1900 and all money issues.

Stop being so weak and wishy washy. It is probably part of the reason she isn't attracted to you. Women don't respond to weak and wishy washy men and men who seem scared of them...

Bring it up confidently and be firm. No doubt she may get upset or mad. So be it. You are on the verge of letting her walk on you. You know what they call a person who allows themselves to get walked on don't you?

Time to start getting some backbone and a little male toughness.

Standing strong will earn her respect. Right now she doesn't really respect you because you are allowing her to dictate most all things because you are too scared to come across as strong and tough. Don't let her fool you.

I feel you, gucci. Man I really do. With our history of me not allowing my W on equal ground during financial decisions, I don't want this top set her off as another place that I have not changed, when I have been concentrating on 180s so intently.

So in your opinion, just provide the facts and tell her this is how it is going to be. Since you made this decision, you will have to support yourself?

[sparks14]

One other thing that my lawyer of a sister brought to my attention to consider. Right now, we are not legally separated. Since I make twice what she does, she is legally obligated to half our earnings as a whole.

Will she bring this up? I don't think so. She knows that she made the decision to move out. She will scrape by on her income with this, but I was in no position financially to afford her apartment as well.

[sparks14]

You guys have any ideas on the best way to approach this? Gucci thinks that I should man-up and not beat around the bush.

I will admit that I want to stand strong on this issue but also don't want her to see an old me that would strong arm financial matters.

[Denver_2010]

IMO Sparks... don't worry about the $1900 unless you really, really NEED it.

I'm not completely familiar with your sitch, and for that I apologize. The issue for me is that you should only be doing things that draw your W closer to you... not pushing her away or driving a wedge bw the two of you.

In my sitch, my W left me, and did have an A.... okay, so how did I handle our finances?

When she first left, I began to take steps to have her removed from our car insurance, health insurance and cell phone plans... I told her that I was going to cancel our gym membership....

BUT... within a few days, when I got a little more emotionally balanced and figured out that I was going to fight for my M, I changed course with all of this. I have continued to pay for our insurance, cell phones, and have kept the gym membership. Recently, I have even given my W money to help her with bills. Although I only did this at the same time that I started to realize that W was reconsidering ending our M.

My W told me in early January that she was going to pay for her half of the bills that I was paying for... I told her "whatever makes you most comfortable"... of course she never did... she can't afford it and I knew that. But I truly didn't care.

One of my issues during my M was that I was selfish with money and always turned her expenditures into a big deal. I decided early on in my DBing that one of my 180s was going to be to let money matters go a little more.

In the grand scheme of things, what is $1900? In the grand scheme of things what will making your W feel upset do to your hopes for reconciliation?

I get the 'stand up for yourself' thought on this subject... but there is plenty of time for that in the future.

I'm not suggesting that you be a doormat... I don't think that you would be if you let the issue go... I think that you are considering the bigger picture... that being what is best for your goals.

BITS
Denver

[MrBond]

"I want to stand strong on this issue but also don't want her to see an old me that would strong arm financial matters."

There's a difference between standing strong for a belief and strong arming. Strong arming is bullying. It's saying..."you better do this or else!"

Standing strong is being responsible. You have a reason that you can share with your W. I agree. Don't beat around the bush. She has to start living with the consequences that she caused. If not, you're just enabling her.

[sparks14]

I am so conflicted right now that I don't know where to begin o end. I will just say that couples therapy tonight was entirely the logistical stuff I was assuming. I will go more into detail about it tomorrow, but it involved the co-parenting of our baby as well as finances. W and I decided to go out for a beer. We have had our dinners with our baby along that do not talk about the R at all.

This was two hours and a couple beers a piece of both of us communicating more than we ever have. I will also go into more detail about this tomorrow, but I can tell you that my W has no idea where to start her self discovery when she moves out on Saturday or how to even do it.

there was positive dialogue between us and some shared laughs. I will give you this little nugget as we sat in my car in front of her brother's apartment.

She told me that she has recognized all of the changes I have made, but no changes, no matter how drastic or positive, will change anything if she is gay.

I know that nobody on this board has much experience with this unique case, so I have been attacking it like I normally would. I ended telling my wife that through education, I have learned that I can change my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I have also learned that I cannot change hers.

In the end, my actions could build us a positive relationship going further. If not, at least they will have a positive impact on my self confidence and self esteem heading out. My W then agreed she has seen these changes in me. We held each other for a bit in the car, and then she went inside.

I am leaving a ton out, but I am pretty numb right now. I have to keep up the fight, but I am also feeling this may be a fight that is impossible. God help me.