Boundaries with Love

[DownNotOut...yet]

>>Ann!!! How are you? Drop me a line on FB. Hope you are well.<<

CL, please do not take anything I tell going forward as argumentative. My written tone some times comes off bad. I'm in your corner.

OK, you are not trying overpowering her voice and back her down per-se. You are simply from this point forward absolutely, positively 100% refusing to be intimidated and bullied by her. Big difference.

Even if we were talking about overpowering her voice and backing her down; one of the MWD tenets is experiment. You might give it a try and see what happens. Let's just say you did overpower her voice? What if you grabbed a lamp and threw it trough a window and screamed into her face with spit flying out of your teeth??? Do you know? Have you tried? You seem terrified of this woman. She seems to know it. IF you turned the tide (yes this is an extreme example), what might happen? Has she ever, once, for a millisecond been scared of you (not physically just scared of by the fact of knowing she is not in control)? How is it she was not fearing for her life when you came out your room to find her with that young guy? Why was the young guy not crying and running for the door? In most other houses there would be body parts flying.

This is extreme but it paints a picture. Minus the body parts stuff, it might be worth trying once with conviction and see what happens. Whether you can see it your not, your current, noble path is largely cheeseless.

NOW, what I really meant in my posts above is when she rants, simply tell her, the conversation if over and will resume when she addresses you calmly and respectfully (That is a boundary). Sit down, pull out your newspaper and start reading. DO NOT leave the room, that is retreat. Do not let her re-engage you until she is calm and respectful.

Often you speak of controlling, you are not controlling and in the however many years I've been with you, you have never been controlling so don't worry about it. The only the thing you need to control is how she treats you.

If I showed up at your house and talked to you and treated you the way your wife does, would you allow it? I would expect you would sock me in the eye or minimally throw me out. You would not allow me to treat you that way. She has no special rights to treat you poorly nor to behave poorly.

Why do you speak constantly of de-escalating. What you describe often sounds like old fashion temper tantrums on your wife's part. Let her have her tantrum. It is far more loving to lead her to see SHE has to deal with her issues. You trying to calm her only teaches her she gets results with her behavior. What if she were 7 instead of 51? You would let her stomp and scream and complain, no sweat off your back. De-escalating is just another way she has pushed you around and/or manipulated you. She gets short term satisfaction of "winning", you get peace, but neither is the healthy change you need. This de-escaltion stuff is part of the cycle.

Again, I go on and on about a powerful, strong, assertive man. That is not police tactics. It is nature. Watch the discovery channel. Woman choose a powerful man. He represents the best genes. He represents protection, and security. If she can bully you. How can you offer her protection against a someone who can bully her?

When you do finally stand up to your wife. I am pretty sure she will lose her mind. She will probably escalate. She may try to test you more. If you remain calm and powerful through it. I think you see the will change her tune entirely.

Woman want strong virile men. If not, all the 5'2" guys still living in their mom's basements would be getting all the girls.