Sitting at home with myself.

[2stepboogie]

Luck is for those that lack preparation.

There is prepared

and

There is wishful thinking

You SIR, are prepared.

[JustStunned]

Fortune favors the prepared mind
Louis Pasteur

[FellOnBlackDays]

Fair winds and following seas, buddy!!

You will do great! You are a BITS and BITS don't quit! I can't wait for a full report when you get back.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Navyguy]

Just got back. Things went well for the most part. She initiated some R talk, asked me how I was doing. I told her that things have been rough, but that this was a wake up call that I needed for myself.

Kept things pretty light for most of the night until....she went outside for a smoke. She was out there for awhile and then came straight back in and spent awhile in the bathroom. When she got back to our table she said she was ready to go now. I said ok, got the check and we left. On the way to the car I asked her if she was ok, and she told me that a random guy was hitting on her when she went out to smoke, and that made her sick to her stomach. She explained how it made her remember all the hurt she has been through with me and that she doesnt ever want to feel that way again. She then got really upset and started telling me about how she can't stand the pain she is causing right now, whether it be her own, or mine and the kids. Still very much in the mindset that she will be unhappy if she comes back. I just listened and validated.

Not sure what to think of the night at this point. Feels like I made progress and backslid at the same time.

[JustStunned]

Navy, I don’t see where you backslid here.

On the way to the car I asked her if she was ok,

You acknowledged how she was feeling, giving her a chance to express herself. Remember most women just want us to listen and validate.

she told me that a random guy was hitting on her when she went out to smoke, and that made her sick to her stomach. She explained how it made her remember all the hurt she has been through with me and that she doesnt ever want to feel that way again.

So a random guy expressing interest is very unpleasant. That it reminded her of your R isn’t good, but you are working on that with 180s and being a great father to boot.

She then got really upset and started telling me about how she can't stand the pain she is causing right now, whether it be her own, or mine and the kids. Still very much in the mindset that she will be unhappy if she comes back. I just listened and validated.

The emotions and regret she expressed were hers, and she indicated she is causing it.

Keep working, keep doing what is working, be patient. You are light years ahead of my sitch, be proud of the progress and keep it up.

[Redo]

I don't think you backslid.

As JS said, you asked her how she was doing, listened, validated. You did not act defensive, argue or bring up any other topic. You were there for her. I think that is good.

[Navyguy]

JS, when she said the guy hitting on her reminded her of our R, I think it was her feeling was more of her not wanting an R with anyone at this point.

A couple other things I left out earlier:

When we first started talking she told me that no matter what happens she wants us to be friends and be able to talk and hang out. I told her that I think that would be very hard for me.

We also talked about what she wants in life...the recurring theme she always brings up is that she's given up so much for me and the kids and is sick of giving. Again, she started to cry when we were talking about this. She told me that the other day she bought a Rosetta stone language learning lesson, just so she could have something to focus on in her life and feel like she was bettering herself. But, then she said she hasnt opened it yet because it was so expensive and she was worried I'd be mad that she spent the money.

She is also still very afraid that if she comes back she will be giving in and that things will go back to the way they were. I told her there's no way I will let that happen.

Quite a night...I hope that it helped her, but I can't help feeling that it didn't.

[2stepboogie]

she wants us to be friends and be able to talk and hang out. I told her that I think that would be very hard for me.

This is something I brought up to my db couch. It is a fear all of us men share. You started out as friends, nothing wrong with going back to that. Beginners mind remember?

Again, she started to cry when we were talking about this

This is a good thing because is shows that she still cares and still has feelings.

she was worried I'd be mad that she spent the money.

This is also good because it shows that she is mindful of what you think and that your opinion matters. This is the same attitude my W had or has.

She is also still very afraid that if she comes back she will be giving in and that things will go back to the way they were.

This is the one common thing most WAS share. I feel that my W is in a very similar sitch.

I hope that it helped her, but I can't help feeling that it didn't.

It helped if you listened and validated her feelings and kept your mouth shut

[♪CS♪]

I agree with the other comments Navy, sounds positive to me!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Navy, you got some really nice feedback from the crew above, especially 2step. Please read over it and take some value from their posts. They are right. You need to remember something, this is still very new to her right now. You still have a long way to go before she can see through the forest she has lost herself in these days.

I think you saw some positive signs. She did not appreciate the advances from another man. She cried. She told you what was wrong. She expressed regret. She looked to you for advice and to console her. All very, very good things.

She could have gotten the dude's number, told you nothing about it, kept a poker face all night long, and told you to stay out of her business and her life. See how this could have gone worse??

You are doing fine. Listen, acknowledge, apologize, validate. Remember those four words every time to talk to her.

Keep us posted!

BITS never walk alone!!

FOBD