My suggestion is that you do not contact your W. Do not tell her to date OP.
Listen, you are not in an emotionally strong place to be making big decisions. You are "reacting" to things.
For example, you first are shocked that anyone would even mention the idea of dating. Not when they were still M!! You couldn't do that! But, after a couple of replies.....you're on the Internet connecting with a woman from h.s.! What the heck? Now you're ready to tell your W that she has your permission to date?? Why, b/c the girl from h.s. was nice and your ego is soaring?
Just try to settle down and leave things along for a few days, okay? Your W doesn't need you to tell her anything about what you're doing or that you don't care if she dates. Why should she? She's pretty much doing what she wants, right?
Now, let me tell you a little secret about women. They KNOW when you want them to THINK you are dating and having some big life.....that you really aren't. So, don't even go that route.
Your emotions are extreme right now. You may feel completely different next week.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
down real quick. I will post more later. do not text her. doing so is for you to get a reaction from her.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Down, I am no expert here, but IMO tread carefully.
My W has repeatedly told family about an old HS flame of mine. She met her once at a class reunion 9 years ago. When she met her I was attentive to W and my relationship. At the time W was not feeling secure and I made sure she knew she could be. Still W is now bringing up this other women to family as though I should be contacting her. IMO she does this to push me away from any hope of a new R within our M and to assuage guilt she feels over running away.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well today has been a turn of events. I received a phone call from W. I thought it was the kids so I answered. The W immediately starting questioning me.
W: Who was over the house with a red car?
Me: (In a calm voice) There hasn't been anyone at the house with a red car.
W: (Very angry) You have been questioning me and I think it is pretty messed up that you would have somebody over there. Just tell me who it is. Just be honest.
Me: I am being honest. Nobody was over here and I am not questioning you anymore. I can not control you. You will do what you want to do. Who is telling you that someone has been over here?
W: Somebody came into the bar and told my sister that there has been a red car over there a lot lately.
Me: Well I do not know of any red cars that have been over here. The other person I know that even has close to a red car is my Mom. Who told your sister this?
W: Let's just say word gets around.
Me: (laughing) I am sorry but there has not been anyone over here with a red car. I do not even know of anyone who could've been over here with a red car. The only people that have been over here are BIL, my Mom, and the kids.
W: Just be honest and tell me. I don't care if you have. Just tell me the truth.
Me: I am being honest and apparently you do care or you wouldn't be asking. There hasn't been any one here other than the people I told you. Can I talk to the kids?
Handed phone to the kids.
So this is very weird now. I have not had anyone over here and I will not have anyone over here. I think it would be very disrespectful for me to bring another woman into our house while I am living in it.
There is a couple of things I need to clear up. The woman I called was a friend from HS. I have not spoken to her in 11 years. I called her and talked to her for maybe 30 minutes. I broke all rules of trying to date somebody intentionally. I told her about the D. I told her that I hope things work out with my W and I. I told her I had wondered how she had been since I haven't talked to her in so long. When I made the call I had no intentions of pursuing this woman. It was a phone call that was no different than when I call my W's sister to check on her, her boyfriend and child. I didn't get an ego boost off of it. There was no flirting or anything of the sort. I had no bad intentions. I will not be contacting her or any other woman until D is final and my boundaries have been passed or I decide I am ready to move on.
I didn't send that text message on you guy's recommendations. I have not contacted her other than to speak to the kids and plan on keeping it that way. Also, I hope I can avoid being in this type of conversation with W.
Sandi, I hope you chime on on my W's behavior and why she would act this way if she doesn't care?
If anyone else has any input please feel free.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
Well, she does still care or she wouldn't bother questioning you. But it's kind of like....she doesn't want you right now, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you.
The next time she flies into you with this type of conversation, you must learn stick to very short answers and do not ask her any questions that would prolong the conversation. You do not have to give her a play by play of your activities. If she thinks you're not telling her everything or that you are not being honest....that's her problem, but don't try to convince her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, she does still care or she wouldn't bother questioning you. But it's kind of like....she doesn't want you right now, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you.
This is exactly right.
The WAW doesn't want you but they don't want you with any OW.
This is where your value grows.
See the WAW only focuses on the negative. Once OW show interest in you it makesthem think. Hmmm What is she seeing in him that I'm not?
Wow he's happy now, WHY? The WAW is no happier now then when she was with you.
That can't be to them. She thinks you should be unhappy without her.
Guess what, you happy now. Living life and thriving.
People want to be around others whove confidence and know where there going in life.
See how one mysterious car parked outside your house can make her go crazy?
These convos you are having with her are too long and informative to her. Do not tell the opponent your game plan. You don't need to discuss any visitors you had over with her. She left right? That means she removed herself from your life and has no say in what you do and associate with.
LESS WORDS will have a bigger impact. You are in an excellent postion here.
This is where it gets tricky and harder.
Keep doing what you're doing. Be mysterious, keep the talk about the kids and keep GALing.
Caution: When/if she comes back- If you go all in to make the R work, it will turn her off.
REPEAT, IF YOU GO ALL IN TO MAKE THE R WORK YOU WILL TURN HER OFF! That was my mistake.
A soft rejection is needed first.... She will come to you and try to talk R. You will be so excited, I was too, but you can't be. A soft rejection means you tell her "I don't know how I feel about us anymore" That's myterious. It's makes her work harder for your attention. It shows confidence in that you will be just fine either way.
Oh BTW, let's be honest here. If Sandi and I didn't talk about the power you what would happen if you "talked or Dated" OW, would you have called this friend from HS?
Just curious.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Oh BTW, let's be honest here. If Sandi and I didn't talk about the power you what would happen if you "talked or Dated" OW, would you have called this friend from HS?
I have no reason not to be honest with you guys. You are on my side of this or at least the ones that are sticking by me and I really appreciate that. I am not sure the affect you guys had on me. I have wanted to contact this person for a long time (years) but never would while I am in a R ro she was in a R. So now is the only time I would have felt comfortable contacting her. I have not contacted her since and have no plans on contacting her again. You guys may have had a sub conscious effect on me but I think W actions had more of an impact. Although I love her unconditionally, a person can only take so much. She keeps telling me to move on and I think that probably had more to do with my actions. I do nothing that is not well planned out other than convos with my W. LOL. I am preparing myself on how to deal with those better. (180s)
Nothing else really to update since we really have not spoke other than her going off on me for this car that I know nothing about.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
I didn't expect to see you warning me about when she comes back. I personally believe it will be a long time and really am not worrying about it too much. But I just wanted to mention that I thought it was funny to me since I didn't see it coming at all. That honestly helped build my ego that you are mentioning things like that.
You have hit me with 2x4 after 2x4 that I needed and I really thank you for that.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
Although I love her unconditionally, a person can only take so much.
You think you do. She is not your child. We love our kids unconditionally.
WE CHOOSE to love someone else.
She's telling you to move on with your life, so do so.
A funny thing happens when you move on and are happy and the WAW sees so.
She's not so sure of her actions.
You start to have value again. Don't backslide into that lovey dovey doormat behavior, It will be an instant turn off.
Women what a strong confident man with a sense of humor. Google it. Youll' see those two characteristics in the top thre in every list you find.
Better yet, read some of the profiles of women on dating sites.
So your W calls you up next week and want's to talk R.... What do you do?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
