WAW on the Peninsula

[LITB]

I certainly needed your hugs when you sent them. Thank you.

Yesterday evening the W got home from a parent/teacher conference for our D7. The teacher told my W that our D is having a hard time focusing and it has progressively gotten worse over the last few weeks. Our D has always had a difficult time at school, however the W refuses to believe what is going on at home has anything to do with it. W says she's optimistic the kids will be fine. Obviously I disagree. I told her, "keep telling yourself your optimistic to help justify your decision. The way our kids are affected are based on your decision ". Very frustrating to say the least. There's more to add, but I am reduced to typing on my phone on the weekends.

[LITB]

WAW behavior is so strange.

W had been cleaning out old paperwork, along with old cards we have shared over the years for special occasions on Friday. I asked if she was throwing away all the cards I had given to her. She said, "yes". I replied, "ouch, that hurts". Then I proceeded to bring up her previous apology about the lies, since we were on the subject of hurt. I took Sandi's advice about the A being more hurtful. W said that her apology was not only about the lies, but also the EA. She was sorry that she didn't make that clear. I told that I still forgive her. At least it was brought up and air'd out.

So yesterday morning I went through the house and took down all of our wedding pics, all the pics with W in them, W's family photos and all of her art. I moved all my family pics where the wedding ones were. D and I then went shopping for new art and I replaced the ones W is taking. Ironically W liked all the new additions.

During the evening W wasn't feeling good and was looking for medicine. Unfortunately there wasn't anything for how she was feeling. I offered to run to Walgreens for her. She told me that she hates asking me, because I always used to give her an attitude when she would ask me to do something. I validated, told her, "I understand, I'm sorry I was like that. That was the old LITB. I'm here for you if you need me. This is the new LITB." She thanked me and I was on my way.

I went to Walgreens and bought her the medication and a coffee mug to keep her tea hot. So here's where it gets interesting. W loves her hot tea and accidentally broke her tea glass on Friday. When I got home I handed her the medicine while she was in the livingroom. I went to the kitchen to make her tea. While I was warming the water and standing at the sink getting ready to wash her new mug, W walked to the kitchen and stood next to me to get water. She realized what I was doing as she saw the mug and the water being warmed, and said "thank you" about 3 times and gave me a hug. She called me sweetheart once while she stood there, I just don't remember the exact context.

There were at least (2) 180s in that last sequence of events. 1. Me going out of my way to run to the store without being asked. 2. Making sure the W felt like her need had my full attention.

[LITB]

W just informed me the filing date for the D and when it is supposed to be finalized. Good times.

W also let me know that she had a message from a potential employer. I told her that is great news and wished her luck. Ugh!!

[Redo]

Hey look on the bright side. You'll have 6 months from filing to the D day. You can, during that time show what a great guy she's losing !!

[LITB]

That's exactly right mykarma. I need to do everything possible to show her that she is making a big mistake. It will be a task no doubt, but I am up for the challenge no matter the outcome.

W said something interesting back in December after we finished Christmas shopping. Over a convo at dinner, I asked her how long did she think it would take for me to find a new woman(jokingly). Her reply was, "you will find someone quick". I asked her why she thought that. W said, "because you are a good catch". I'm thinking to myself, "you're leaving me, why?".

Many things just don't make sense. Best not to analyze everything WAW does or says.

[LITB]

Major backslide for me this morning. Before I left for work, I went to the livingroom, kissed the W on the forehead and gently rubbed her face. Ugh!! I know this goes against everything I'm supposed to be doing.

W slightly turned her head as to not let me kiss her lips, but otherwise didn't pull away. Granted she didn't have much room to pull away to. She asked me what that was for and I told her it was to start my day on the right foot.

[Starsky309]

Major backslide for me this morning. Before I left for work, I went to the livingroom, kissed the W on the forehead and gently rubbed her face. Ugh!! I know this goes against everything I'm supposed to be doing.

Then STOP IT.




Starsky

[♪CS♪]

LITB, 6 months is a LONG time. Don't let that discourage you. A LOT can happen in that time...

[Denver_2010]

LITB - Just read your entire thread. I have a couple of questions:

1) Are you still doing the uncontested D? You mentioned that when you found OM's messages that you told W that she would have to have you served... but you then make it sound like you helped her with the paperwork.

2) You don't really talk much about what you think your role in the breakdown of the M is/was... Have you thought about this? If so, what was your role? Why does your W think that you haven't taken care of her?

3) Where does OM live?

Country is right. 6 months is a long time and things can change in a hurry.

BITS
Denver

[LITB]

LITB - Just read your entire thread. I have a couple of questions:

1) Are you still doing the uncontested D? You mentioned that when you found OM's messages that you told W that she would have to have you served... but you then make it sound like you helped her with the paperwork.

Yes, we are doing an uncontested D. W is paying for and processing all of the paperwork, then I will be signing on March 16th. I will give you the lowdown and reasons why I agreed to go this route:

When W dropped the bomb, I wanted to file that week to protect myself and I didn’t care if I had to cover the entire cost. W knew this, because I told her that I didn’t want to be legally responsible for her if she wanted out and leave to be with OM#1 (see answer to question #3 for OM#1/OM#2). I backed off to see how things would play out. W wanted to file at the beginning of January, but I kept putting it off. She was still under the impression that I would cover the entire cost. I don’t remember exactly how we got to the point of splitting the cost of the filing, but we did. After finding the OM#2 messages on her phone(mid Feb), I told her that I wasn’t paying for any of it and she would have to get me served. She threatened to come after me for alimony, which she has a good chance of winning IMO. I backed off for strategic purposes.

Here are the reasons why:
1) To avoid making the situation uglier than it already is by getting attorneys (I know you are an attorney Denver J) involved and bringing more stress to my sitch (especially to our kids).
2) To buy myself more time to DB.
3) To give W the opportunity to face the reality of her decision without having the kids or me around for a long period of time.
4) To give me time to show the courts that I can care for our kids without W’s help. (note: we have agreed that our kids will stay with me until mid July)
5) To allow W to move to NM to work without having to be stuck here battling me in court. This will hopefully alleviate the alimony issue.
6) With her being 1100 miles away, it would be a logistical challenge for her to fight me in court.

I realize that I am walking on a dangerous path, but I am confident this is the right decision for me. The W doesn’t realize that I know the agreements we have in place can be changed by either party before the D is finalized. Perhaps she doesn’t even know they can be changed. She might have to learn the hard way.

2) You don't really talk much about what you think your role in the breakdown of the M is/was... Have you thought about this? If so, what was your role? Why does your W think that you haven't taken care of her?

There are a couple of major breakdowns that I had in our M. The main one being lack of communication. The other one is I didn’t give her enough emotional support.

Ultimately she felt that I took our M for granted and didn’t show that I cared enough about her. She is absolutely right. I put my career before her, thinking that providing for my family made up for everything. Now I realize my mistakes, but she has told me it’s too little, too late.

Another thing I didn’t realize is Acts of Service is a love language and it happens to be her primary one. I failed miserably in that department and I didn’t even know it until after reading The 5 Love Languages.

There are many other smaller things that she has piled on since she has been focusing on all the negative. I have them all in my journal at home and I have taken accountability for each one of them in my letter that my coach helped me put together. I will share them when I have them in hand.

3) Where does OM live?

OM#1 and OM#2 both live in NM and were both in her HS graduating class.

OM#1 was the vulture in my sitch just waiting in the wings ready to exploit my W once he saw that she was vulnerable. He acted as a friend to her for many years and W didn’t realize that he had an interest in her beyond friendship. The only time I met this d-bag, I got this strange vibe from him. A jealousy vibe. W opened up to him, d-bag told her all the right things and next thing you know…..she plans to take my kids and move in with him. I found this out when the bomb got dropped. They were having an EA, which was supposed to turn into a PA during the Christmas holiday break. Somehow W came to her senses before the PA took place and told him it wasn’t a good idea. At the beginning of January, I checked her phone records for the first time and saw that he was still texting her. I asked W about it without her knowing that I had checked her records. What she told me was consistent with her phone history. A couple of days later, she told me that d-bag had emailed her still pursuing a relationship and she told him to move on with his life without her. She volunteered this information without me asking. Did I mention OM is still married to his 2nd wife and has kids himself? I know for a fact OM#1 is history.

OM#2 I’m not sure when he entered the picture. He is my W’s high school sweetheart and they dated for 5 years. I know that their contact had picked up dramatically over the last month or so. This is the OM’s messages the W copied into his contact info that I found. I’m not sure what their plans are or if they have plans. She claims that she was using him as a soundboard. It still qualifies as an EA. Perhaps it turns into something when she moves.

What I do know is that I can and will be the greener grass.

Country is right. 6 months is a long time and things can change in a hurry.

Indeed. It was 3 months yesterday that the bomb was dropped and it seems like years ago. Thanks for taking the time to read my thread and the questions Denver.