My Wife Wants to Separate

[DeterminedFather]

Thanks to all for the advice. I'm back after a weekend with my kids skiing with my father.All three kids came back very excited about how much fun they had. My S9 said it was the best time skiing ever. Even my D11 had a great time despite skiing not being her favorite activity. All 3 had a great time with the other 10 kids who were staying in the same ski club lodge.

Since this ski trip used up our small skiing budget W asked me to tell the kids before we left that this was our last skiing trip for the year. I did what she requested. No reaction from W.

W wasn't happy at all when we got back given that she stayed home, worked and cleaned the house. The happiness of the kids was hard for her to take. She blew up during our scheduled budget talk Sunday evening when I stated that everyone's lifestyle would suffer to free up $ for the added expense of an apartment. I was being honest and not trying to be controlling. There is certainly enough $ for us to separate but that it would be her choice. Her explosion included stating that I shouldn't move out since we "can't afford it". Unfortunately S9 overheard it from the next room and was very emotional.

Later that night after the kids went to bed W and I talked. She was/is upset that I have an extended family to go to with kids while she doesn't have one (she has "separated" from her mother and two brothers due to inability to get along). She thinks we should continue with our current sitch, living separated in the same house. I acknowledged her feelings. She thinks that we should setup separate spending $ pools for each of us (I think that's a great idea) and budget $ for her to take the kids on a short vacation without me. I agreed completely with her.

Our conversation also included her telling me her feelings that she feels like she's worthless and doesn't deserve a better life and R than she has now. She also doesn't like feeling guilty about being the one who wants to split up. That it's my fault and how can I be so calm and acting like there are no problems at our family dinners when we are living separately. Now I think my main focus should be telling her how important she is and complimenting her on what she does for the family. Any opinions on that?

We do have MC scheduled for Wednesday evening. I'm not sure what the focus will be. It was supposed to be on how we should move fwd with separation. Last week's session included my showing empathy to the point where W was questioning why I've changed and who I've been talking to. Also, W did standard button pushing of why did I wait until it was too late for R to change.

I do feel like my W is in complete turmoil now and probably depressed but I'm not sure how I tell her I'm worried about her without coming off as patronizing.

Well, this post is way too long and rambling. Thanks for reading.