LBS needing advice...

[AntoniaB]

IB that really stinks but I applaud how very well you and your S handled it. You're very strong, both of you.

Augtan you said this, "I know people do it all the time, but I meant my vows and I hate the idea of starting over with someone else, it seems like such a long road ahead to have to do that, daunting at times and maybe not worth the effort."

And I've thought exactly the same thing--because I'm assuming that getting involved with someone else will A> Never happen, B> End in tragedy just like this marriage did. I have a terrible time thinking that me and XH were somehow "special" and "destined" to be together forever. Really, this is madness, because with free will, and a million other factors, we can never predict "forever."

I think that I am looking at my future in a really pessimistic way--maybe we all are in thinking we are doomed to be single forever. I mean, I have myself convinced that the way I met my XH, all the things that had to happen to put he and I in the same place at the same time, well that was some kind of magic that can't happen twice. But see I'm viewing that in retrospect. I think we romanticize how we end up with our spouses AFTER we're married and happy. We look back and think "oh this was a sign, and that was a bit of proof of destiny or fate." We link the dots and make this story out of it that is pure magic.

But in the moment it happens, we don't see it that way. So why can't any of us meet someone again FAR down the road? We can, if that's what we want/are ready for. Or we may choose not to if we end up becoming very comfortable with being single.

I think we were so codependent for so long on these marriages to really fulfill us that we lost sight that there are other ways we can be fulfilled. This whole experience is teaching us how to be fulfilled in other ways.

I think bottom line is that we're all still in a form of shock and with that lens, it's easy for us to fall into pessimism about the future and make these "all or nothing" statements. When the shock eventually wears off, I don't think we'll be in that place and we'll be able to be more realistic about our futures.

Let me share this with you because I know, IB, that you feel like you failed since you're moving towards a divorce. I joined a stitching cyberclass, and we had to introduce ourselves. I intro'd myself this way: "I'm a professor of English who specializes in fairy tales and adolescent literature. I am divorced and the single mom of 10 cats--7 of whom live indoors, one who is indoor/outdoor, and two who live outdoors. I love to read, to stitch, and I'm going to take up gardening again. Next year I'm going to be on sabbatical to write a book for which I have a contract."

I got a response back from someone in the UK who said "It sounds like you have a really wonderful life."

What was my response in my head? "No, I don't. You are mistaken. How can you say that? I'm divorced."

See? I can have a life that in many ways people covet it. And still, I feel like there is a black mark. I'm divorced. I failed.

Do you see my biggest emotional problem? Perfectionism.

And until I get rid of that problem, or learn to temper it, I won't contribute in the best way I can to a marriage with anyone.

I don't know if that helps you or not, but I thought I'd share it :-)