Well, she beat me to the punch. Today, I had an appt with my C. I went in there and worked with him on a strategy to communicate with my W. I was all excited about my plan, thanked him and headed out to leave. When I got to the car, I had a text on my phone... from my W!
Once again, she needed something from the house. Now, I don't know why she is texting as we had both agreed to conduct all convos via phone. No emails, no texting. We both agreed to that. Anyway, she wanted access to the house for a couple of things. So, I called her back. I refuse to text her!!!
Well, I got voicemail. I was kind of disgusted, but had to find a way to let it go. Before I could put the phone down, it rings. It was her!
I answered as cheerfully as I could. I was all smiles and sunshine. I am not going to do a "blow by blow," here, but I want to get to the high points and some things I think I have figured out this afternoon:
1) We stayed on the phone for 30 minutes. 2) She was very nice and we laughed together numerous times. It was like old times. I enjoyed every minute of it. 3) She apologized for not returning my VM from 10 days ago after I told her I was thinking about calling her and was too busy to do so lately with my brother's wedding looming. 4) I asked her how she has been. She immediately started telling me all about her actions as of late with detail. Where she has been, what she has been doing, stuff about work and so on. Very chatty and very detailed. I reciprocated. 5) She really shocked me though. At one point, she went into great detail to tell me about her plans for Mardi Gras. I didn't ask and wasn't going to out of respect. But she told me. 6) She told me that she has been keeping up with my grandmother via telephone and expressed worry about her. 7) She made it a point to tell me that she went to my SIL's wedding shower last weekend which was a 90 minute drive away and held at my aunt's house. She told me how pleased she was that nothing was weird and that my family acted so nice to her. 8) We talked at length about our nieces and how much fun they are to be around when they are young. 9) There was no garbage, no games. She never once took a shot at me or tried to mess around. It was, in my opinion, honest and true conversation between us. It was really nice and I DB'ed my behind off the entire time.
Toward the end, she asked for a time that she could come by. I played stupid a bit and acted like I would have to make time for her. She seemed to be appreciative and was willing to work around my schedule. In true DB fashion, I refused to commit to a time. I told her I would have to check my schedule and call her Tuesday. She happily agreed. We exchanged a few pleasantries and she had to go. She did beat me to ending the call. My bad!
None the less, the call today was not a victory. We are definitely still at a stalemate, at best. But, today made me consider some things that I would like to put out for the group:
1) I think going dark has helped, but it may be time to go more dim than dark. Our last couple of phone conversations have been really nice and she does not seem to be in a hurry to get off.
2) I think she really likes the new me that doesn't pressure, talk about the R or push for meetings or dates.
3) (I know I am mindreading a bit here, but I was with her for 15 years and I do not a bit about her) I think the 15 days of darkness was attributed to two things:
a) She left and she knows it. She will not be the one to initiate contact. I think she is still too proud to do so. Not to mention, she has stated on three separate occasions that she does not want to "give me false hope." I think she thinks that a call from her for anything other than logistics would be false hope. b) I think I may have made a mistake. I got on here and was complaining about her lack of response of the past two weeks and since she got the money and furniture she needed. I realized that I was on here protesting that I knew she has screwed me with "niceness" to get what she wanted. But, I realized that was a touch of old me. So, I went to my journal and looked up my record. I was a bit embarrassed. The truth of the matter is that I have only contacted her once or twice in the past 30 days myself. And, the last time was to get something from her. I have a feeling that when I went dark, she got scared or worried and decided to cut off all communication also. That is why she texted today, instead of calling. But, when I left her the cheerful message letting her know she could call me. She called, literally, within seconds of hearing the message.
I think I have learned something today. My W just is not going to call me unless it is dire. And, that is OK. I have to keep reminding myself that I am the one that caused this mess and I am the one that will have to do the work to clean it up. I think she really still wants to stand in place and make me walk to her. If that is the case, I am ready, willing and able to do it.
Going forward, I have decided that "dim" will be my new method of operation. I have an appointment in the morning with my coach to discuss my strategy. I want to make sure I am on track. But, I do believe I am going to start making contact once every 6-7 days from now on just to test the waters. Obviously, going completely dark was just not going to work for us. Hey, you live and you learn.
No, today was not a victory. It was, at best, another stand off. But, I did get a bit of a view into her world and I do believe I will take this and move on. No celebrating, no dancing, no upbeat songs on the radio. Today, I learned something about her and, for that, I am grateful!!!
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
