LBS Conundrum

[AntoniaB]

What all of you above are saying is really good for me to hear. See my family and friends all around me insist that to them, I am in the best place I've ever been in my life. That I'm showing incredible strength and I'm showing that I'm happy and compassionate and caring and nurturing for others and confident. That for all my life, I was so wrapped up in my XH, that I never let this other stuff out. And they are right. Everything that was "hiding" in me, a ton of unrealized potential, came out when he left and shattered me. And these people are TERRIFIED that he will come back at some point because they believe that the dynamic between he and I is such that I won't be able to hang onto who I am now if I am with him.

Interesting side note: in the past few days, my XH unblocked me on fb and I could suddenly see a bit into his new life. Guess what happened? Nightmares. Two nights in a row, I had terrible nightmares, in both cases, where either my home was being broken into or I was attacked. In both cases, I was desperate in the dreams to have him back to "take care of me." On top of that, I found myself coming home from work wishing to see his car in the driveway again. I haven't felt that in like 7 months. I realized that all this came from seeing his life and him again, even through pictures only. So today I blocked him on fb. Problem solved. Peace in my life returned.

When I am connected to him, I am not the best person I can be. That's something I've learned through this.

I wonder if we eventually brought the worst out in each other because of our codependency.

So I guess that regardless of whether this is MLC or WAS, the best thing for me to do is live my life entirely cut off from him, and if it's in the stars for us to return to one another, it will be so in 5 years or something when we are both very different people. And you know maybe when we are those people, we wouldn't even be attracted to one another. Who knows?

I don't know if that means I'm "standing" or not. I guess standing means I don't get into something with someone else. For now I just don't think that's a smart move on my part as I'm still healing. I guess when I'm done healing I will know it, but it's too soon.

Thanks for this good topic.