BLUF: If you reconcile, it CANNOT be the old M. Either way, D or R, you have to mourn the loss of the old M.
It's a process.
It doesn't necessarily mean she's made a decision one way or the other. And even if she has, it doesn't mean she can't change her mind in a week or a month.
It's a process.
She's talking to you! She's having deep emotional conversations with you! She's letting you in her head!
Those are all FANTASTIC things!
She's not THERE yet. She it not ready to give it another try, to believe that things can be different. But she has her doubts. She is remembering the good times.
She acknowledged she had some fault in what happened! She acknowledged that you were not always a bad H!!!!
THOSE ARE HUGE!!!! Not only does she have those doubts, those second thoughts, SHE ADMITTED THEM TO YOU OUT LOUD. That is a huge positive!
Keep building on this! You are making great progress!!!
Michelle:
I think you are right AGAIN. The fact that she shares certain things with me is a very good thing for me. I know how many people wish they had this, although sometime it is also a curse because it makes you feel so hopeless to do anything. Her acknowledging that I had some good qualities and then telling me what they where is a very good thing. Let's me know she is thinking.
You can control your expectations. By noticing when you have them, and then working to overcome them. You are still struggling with your expectation that somehow everything will just go to reconciliation and bliss, but you are at least aware of it. It's important that you aren't too eager right now. You have built a solid foundation of friendship and are trying to navigate to romance. Don't push too fast. Be patient. Time is on your side.
Actions are much more important than words right now. On both sides.
Enjoy the bread crumbs. There might be a gingerbread cottage at the end for you.
michelle, that is one of the best pieces of advice I have heard, bar none. I'm printing that out and pasting it under my eyelids...
(well, at least close to my computer)
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
So last night I was chatting on FB with some friends and i get a text from W. Very unusual since we hardly ever talk on the weekends. Here is the text:
W "You still up?"
M "Ayup" (got that from gritter
W "I just noticed something interesting on FB"
M "Ok...What's that?"
W "Niece 1 and Niece 2 deleted me......lol"
M "Oh really. I didn't know that"
W "I am sure u didn't.....lol"
M "Haven't spoken to either one since xmas. No I didn't I only really go to put up videos"
At this point I figured I would call. Since exchange was not simmply about my nieces removing her from FB. So I did
M "Yeah so they deleted you huh? Well I wouldn't pay to much attention to it. They prob assume like most people that we are done and done, stick a fork in us."
W "yeah. They deleted me like I never really existed. I mean they are your family not mine so there is no reason to have me on there. I just thought it was a little weird."
M "You know how family and friends are. They rush to your aid and want evreything to be better for you. Believe it or not I have not talked to anyone in the family about my sitch. Only 4 people have asked"
W "I am sure they got your point of view"
M "you would be surprised actually they all came to my rescue telling how to feel and how I should move on. They also told me if a woman does not love you move on. I explained why I felt you needed to leave. They have all walked away with a different perspective"
W "That is not the case though. I did not leave because I did not love you. It had nothing to do with how much I loved you. I left to protect myself. It's funny after family and friends are done making you feel good about yourself everyone really goes and lives their own lives. Friends stop asking family stops asking and then you realize how truly alone you are. That your spouse is really the only friend you have"
M "I know what you mean. I lost my BF and my spouse all in one shot. You lost it over time"
W "yeah I wonder what is worse losing it all at once or over time"
M "I don't know. It is tough either way. I want you to know that I still consider you my BF. I think I always will. I still catch myself wanting to call you during the day or wanting to tell you something funny that happened."
W "I do to sometimes"
We talked a little more then...........
W "I don't think when I lay in bed. I stopped myself from thinking"
M "you gotta let me know how that works. I can't stop myself from thinking to save my life. I read in bed"
W "I don't read anymore"
M "you use to read every nigt"
W "yeah but what do i read?"
M "Romance Novels......Oh yeah I get it"
W "I just stay up till my eyes shut. I think about I can leave for work and not make my bed and when I come home it will still look messy or that I can go to be with my dishes in the sink and no one will complain or how much I like my apartment. Little things like that"
M "I usually stay up and read"
The conversation was like this back and forth for a little bit
M "you know I can read a non romance book to you at night. It would be like me reading you bed time stories"
W "how long is the first chapter of this book you want to read to me"
M "oh I don't know. A few pages I think. Maybe 4-5."
W "Do you mind I would like to wash my face and get ready for bed then I will lay in bed and you can read it to me"
M "sure I will be up. just call me when you are ready"
A few minutes later she called and we read 5 Love Languages. Only the first chapter.
W "very interesting."
M "there is a question at the end of the chapter why don't you give me an answer and I will give an answer and we can compare."
W "ok"
The question was 'There would be less divorce is people would just learn to__________________?'
W "Listen"
M "Communicate"
M "Ok well Chapter 2 is small but you sound tired and so am I if you would like call me tomorrow and we can read it, or when ever you want."
W "Ok yeah I am tired. Goodnight. I will call again H"
M "goodnight W"
That was it. Nothing bad can come from me reading this book.
Nice stuff. You are making great strides. The time away has been nice to your R and I'm happy for you. The most interesting thing she said was about family helping out. It's true, they "leave" when the problem is "over" to go on with their own lives. That leaves you all alone.
It's too bad that people have to find that out on their own before realizing earlier.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Great convo! Very interesting that she commented about friends and family not asking how she's doing anymore. Sounds like the niceness of her change of scenery is wearing very thin.
And very cool about reading her the first chapter! That's awesome!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
2Step! Nice!!!! I only wish that I knew you personally so that I shoot you a text or a message on FB congratulating you!!!!
Seriously... I think that is a huge step 2Step.... Nicely done.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
