What women find attractive #2

[NotFromThesePart]

The Original thread appears to be locked so I'm re-starting it.

[NotFromThesePart]

Question for all.

I’ve started seeing someone.

Me – soon to be divorced, well educated, good job, homeowner, wordly, stable. Athletic. Lots of good friends. A “Nice Guy”.

Her - Super nice. Cute, if not hot. A few years my jr. Actively looking. Makes much less $$ than I.

The money/education stuff is relevant because I want to paint the picture of us being in slightly different socio/economic positions.

After our third or fourth date, she emails me and tells me “I’m just trying to go with my gut, and I’m just not feeling what I should be. Can we be friends?”. I reply yes, of course, you are a friend and you have to do what you feel is right. I mean this. I don’t want to force anything.

We keep chatting, hanging out over the intervening weeks. Friday night a bunch of people get together and we go out as a group. She texts me that she hopes I go. After going out, she texts me again, saying it was nice to see me and I reply lets have breakfast tomorrow.

On Sat. we had a great “date”. Both of us expected to just have breakfast together. We ended up spending the whole day with each other and we both had a great time; mostly just hanging out at my house. But we got close, took a nap together, snuggled a bit and had a “ titillating” conversation that hinted at things to come, soon, but not just yet.

We went for a walk and she starts telling my why she said she didn’t want to date. Basically it comes down to me not being “dangerous” enough. She said if I had a tattoo or something she’d probably be all over me. On several occasions she said “but I’m working on this and I think I can get over it.”

So my question, mostly to the women out there: Can a woman “get over” the attraction to dangerous guys? Things are going well, and I'm trying not to be anything but myself. What I don’t want is to date for 3 months, get close, and then she gets bored because I’m not dangerous enough. I understand the idea of attraction to dangerous guys, but does it go away?

[Queen_of_Swords]

LOL, tattoos are so common nowdays they're like driving a Honda Civic.

I have never been attracted to bad boys. Why? They're high risk.
High risk behaviour, infidelity and financial meltdown, most don't make good Dad's.

Helen Fisher's research shows that women tend to go for the wild guys for reproductive fitness purposes, but they stay with the stable ones for nurturance of children.

Don't know if that helps you much.

[tdb68]

I can offer one comment, only, that within the last year, my wife admitted to me, that is why she married me. I was the "wild one" in our younger days, however, being married 18 years, with 12 and 13 year old boys, now her telling me anytime I act on the "wild" side, she looks at me as irresponsible. So, the long and short, that attraction will wear off over time.. My 2 cents.

[sandi2]

I don't know if a particular attraction goes away or not. If I were you, however, I'd take what she said as a red flag b/c it sounds as if she is hinting that she wants changes made in you. Not a good thing when you've only had a few dates together.

Don't try to be anyone that you truly aren't. Maybe this girl just needs to mature a bit. Either that or she's never had her heart broken over a "dangerous" man.

[NotFromThesePart]

Hi Sandi,

I think it is the maturity thing more than anything. My stbxw had the same problem, she goes after "dangerous" men, including a "good friend"'s husband and her boss.

I took it as a good sign when she brought it up and said that she was working on it, but I just wonder if you can? Can one really learn to overcome those sorts of attraction issues?

Oh, and I won't be getting a tatoo any time soon. :-)

[sandi2]

I think it must be more the sense of excitement that is attractive to them. If they were to really hook up with a "bad boy", they might realize it wasn't the kind of life they wanted full time.

I find it interesting that your W and this lady both are attracted to that type, and one M you and one is dating you.

[NotFromThesePart]

I find it interesting that your W and this lady both are attracted to that type, and one M you and one is dating you.

Interesting point. I'd never thought about it that way. Maybe I'm not the milquetoast I sometimes see myself as.

Still not interested in a tattoo though. Or maybe I should get one that says "milquetoast"?

[sandi2]

Or maybe I should get one that says "milquetoast"?

Maybe it's your sense of humor that attract the ladies!

[lostmiss97]

Maybe it's the age difference? "Dangerous" guys aren't really the kind of men women want to settle down with. They're fun and exciting, but that wears off once the woman wants to get serious and they're still trying to have fun. It could mean she's not really ready to be in a serious relationship, but likes hanging around with you because you're a stable adult that she can lean on when she needs to. It could also mean that she might want to try out a serious relationship, but is kind of warning you that it might not work out because she's into a different "type" of guy that you are. So... she's either going to want to just be good friends or she's going to do what you said and date you for a few months and then break it off because you're not what she really wants.

I'm not sure that she can change if she's really looking for a dangerous kind of guy. You can try to make it work by doing something out of the ordinary once in a while. It doesn't have to be anything that's not true to who you are... maybe just something you've always wanted to try but were too afraid to do (if there's anything like that, lol). Hope that helps!