Okay, I have to say after the thought I’ve put into this that I really admire and appreciate everyone that posts their sitchs here and replies. It’s taken me a while to prepare this update.
I saw H on Saturday. It was only 3 degrees out so I asked if we could just meet somewhere other than me bringing the dogs over to the house so they could play outside with the dog he kept.
I got to the restaurant and went in. I saw his car in the parking lot but he wasn’t inside. I sat and finally sent him a text that I was inside. He got out of the car and was on the phone. He came in and sat with me. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in 4 weeks other than once when he was dropping of mail for a minute.
He asked how we’re going to go about the divorce. I asked what he meant by go about it and he said are we going to do this easy or are we going to argue about it…inexpensive or expensive. I said we’ve only been apart for a month and that I’m not ready for divorce yet. He said that answered his question. I said okay, if you’re going to file what will the papers say. He said he was willing to pay me half the debt that’s in my name but he was not willing to pay me back for investments I cashed in to help him fight for custody of his kids. I said that this is what he wants so I should not take the financial hit on this. I don’t deserve that. He said he can’t afford to pay that back and I didn’t have to cash it in I did it because I wanted to. I kind of let that drop.
I said something about after 7 years he sure is in a hurry to end things. He said he doesn’t want to keep me waiting for him. He said he’s not the same person. I said I’ve changed since all this started too. It’s obvious I’ve lost 40 lbs and my confidence shows it. He said his changes were more drastic and faster than mine. He said he can’t explain it but he’s changed…said he feels like he doesn’t have any conscience or feelings anymore. Said he does all kinds of things to have fun but it doesn’t work. I asked if he’s happy and he said at times he is but other times he’s not. He said the last week was horrible. When I asked why he said it was his job.
He said he didn’t know if he had some kind of breakdown or what happened to him but he feels numb inside. Doesn’t feel anything. Tries to do things and keep busy to feel good but it doesn’t work. He said we can’t go back to what we had. I told him I don’t want that back…I want a new relationship be it with him or someone else.
I said again that I wasn’t ready for divorce. I feel like I’m losing a friend. I teared up when I said that and he looked out the windown…when he looked back he had tears in his eyes too. He emphatically said I’m not losing a friend. He repeated and said he’ll always be there for me…I just need to ask. I then told him the disposal wasn’t working at the old house and the dryer overheats. I teased him about the old refrigerator and we both laughed about it. He’s going to bring a newer one we were using in the basement of the old house.
I told him the hardest part for me is that he was always so concerned about me and my safety. Checked on me and made me call when I was out of town…called me 3-5 times a day…even when I in town and working. He always called to chat on his way to and from work. I said I’ve done some things and I know there was a time he would have wanted me to check in to be sure I was safe and that I don’t understand how he can go from that to just not caring where I am or what I’m doing. He told me he does care. He said he cares about me a lot and thinks about me everyday. He said just because he’s not sitting there crying doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about me.
I mentioned OW being in our house and he said she’s been there. I apologized and said I don’t want to know…it hurts too much. He said they “hang out” he still hasn’t admitted they’re more than friends but prior to moving I found e-mails from him to her about how much he loves her and looks forward to a life with her.
We talked for a while…laughed about some things. I asked if I could go to SS’s swimming banquet. He said yes and that he’d forward the e-mail to me. I said I’d pay for my ticket. He then asked if me going would prolong my “clinginess”. I started to protest and he apologized. I haven’t been clingy. I told him he couldn’t call me clingy. I haven’t seen him since he moved and I’ve been going dark quite a bit. I reminded him I went out of town on business and didn’t even tell him. He said that’s right…and that he was still mad about that…that I didn’t have him watch the dogs while I was gone because he misses them.
I said something about him and the boys missing the dogs but not me. He said its been a long time since we all had fun. That was him rewriting history. It makes me so sad that he’s eliminated all the good we had in our family and placed the blame on me.
When we left he asked me for a hug but I realized while I hung on tight that he was only hugging me with one arm. We said we’d see each other Saturday because we have an appt to put in a remote start for my car that he’d gotten me for Christmas. He works for a company that sells and installs so he gets a discount on the labor. I mentioned maybe we could go to breakfast as a family while its being done so I can see the boys.
I haven’t heard from him since we left there. I didn’t really expect to though. I think it went very well and I think he left with a lot to think about. Of course, today is OW’s birthday. My friend works with H and told me that he took vacation today and had her initials on his outlook calendar noting the birthday and time off.
I know he’s lost and confused and the OW is the band aid…and she’s a beautiful young band aid.
