Crawling out of my hole.

[NotFromThesePart]

Well it is almost 6 months exactly since my W told me of her affair. I’m officially here now rather than Newbies. Where to start?

I won’t go into the details of how I got here because in the end it doesn’t matter. Her are the important parts:
• Apart since May
• W’s affair Aug-Dec.
• Anger, sadness - Aug-Dec
• My acceptance Jan.
The D was W’s idea completely. I did not want it. I spent a few months trying to show her we could get through it. She never saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn’t make her.
We are mostly civil now, though tempers occasionally flair on the phone. For a long time I was just a little puppy and blamed myself. I’ve regained my testicular fortitude and now stand up to her. No papers have been filed. Today I find myself:
• Living in a different state
• A good, though not great job
• A new set of friends
• Some understanding of my role, though I don’t think it was 50/50
• Acceptance of the fact that we will never see eye to eye on the causes

I’m dreading pushing things forward. I think I’ve rebuilt my self-esteem, but I hesitate to do anything official. It is my conflict avoidance kicking in. I feel a lot of resentment and I feel like I’ve been left to clear this mess up. I’m not blaming her, but I do feel PO’d at her for things. For example, I’ve asked her to send some of my clothes etc for 4 months. In the intervening time I’ve sent her things several times. I gave up, stopped asking her and bought new stuff. Friday she calls, tells me she sent the stuff and would I send some things to her? She has a photography class this Wed. and wants her camera. I took me 2 days to ship it and I feel bad for the delay. I also sent it ground rather than air due to the extra $70 air freight fee. I expect she will be angry with the extra time it took.

I’ve also started dating. Quite a bit actually. I’ve been on dates with 10-12 women. Mostly fairly casual and just fun. Lately I’ve been seeing one woman in particular. She mostly knows my situation, and is just a great person. I think I’d like this to go somewhere, but even if it doesn’t, it is so refreshing to be with someone who genuinely likes to spend time with me. It has remained mostly non-physical, but there is a reasonable likelihood of that changing soon. I’m not pressuring her on this issue; much. The physical aspect, while it would be nice, stresses me out a bit. Based on how we talk, I know she is looking for a lifelong partner. I second guess myself. I think she is great, but I question my own motivation? Am I just doing this out of the fear of being alone? I don’t think so. But I don’t really know her well enough to be having thoughts of something long term. Or maybe for the first time in my life I actually DO know what I want. These things make my head spin, and I again resent stbxw for making me feel this way.

Life is good. Should I file?