Sunshine, Pastor or no pastor you do not have to be a rocket scientist to see that your relationship with boyfriend has a lot of issues.
Get ready to get upset..........
In my opinion you have no business being in a relationship until you have taken the necessary time to work on the issues you clearly contain within your own self! The way you describe your relationship with your BF screams codependancy and dysfunction to me. Is that what you want in your next relationship after your marriage ended?
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My bf is very different but I love him. I love him with all my heart. I can honestly say that. I asked him if he felt the same about me and he said he loved me. I said with all your heart? *which my friend told me to quit asking questions.....and just let the relationship happen* BF said that to him when you love someone with all your heart you are ready to marry them and he is not ready.
You love him with all your heart, yet you can not accept his flaws and issues. This dude has no interest in marrying you, and I am about to tell you why.
He clearly sees the issues that you have and the way that you try and manipulate the conversations. You ask him if he loves you and he says yes and you have to add on the "with all your heart" crap. Meaning him just loving you is simply not good enough?
You just demoralized the shitt out of that man and I guarantee you from a male perspective you just scared him a little further away. When he does think to hmself if he wants to marry you or not, he is going to try and picture what that marriage will be like. In order for him to want to that picture has to be clear, happy, drama free, and serene. I guarantee you right now that picture for him is none of those things.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve and can cry or get my feelings hurt in a instance. I have always been this way. I hear things one way when someone could mean another.
That is a huge flaw and one that can have an enormous weight on any relationship. You need to figure out the underlying issues that cause you to be that way and get them straightened out before you make an expectation of anyone to be understanding and ok with that emotional issue. A man who accepts that as ok with his woman is not healthy and probably has codependent tendancies.
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I prb should have added that bf and I argue alot. It use to be about marriage and the pressure with being intimate. I take blame for that mostly. BUT alot of it is communication. Please dont misread this. BF and I have alot of different opinions on things and ways to approach things. I jump in and he researches the life out of it.
You tend to say a lot how you probably should have mentioned something. There is a reason you do not mention all of it and that is because you see the flaws already and do not want to deal with the rest of us pointing them out. Again, another shining example of how you are not ready to be in a healthy relationship.
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I love to pamper my man, as did I with ex. This can be a bad things though. Sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of when doing this. I mean if someone can lay back and let someone else do for them and that person does it gladly then it becomes a habit. Sometimes I feel this way with bf. Even though he does things for me I feel I do more for him. I know also that it should be a contest and I dont mean to make it that way.
You do not mean to make it that way and yet you do. A healthy person gives unto others with no expectations of reciprocation. It's not a contest and if you are giving of yourself for any other reason than that it makes YOU happy to do for others, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
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My bf plays a game online and it takes up alot of time and the Pastor feels with the pressure of trying to lay this down along with my pressure of marriage, it is NOT helping our situation.
First of all a disclaimer: This is not about the pirate and I do not blanket this statement for all gamers!
Gamers who play all the time are hiding from reality. They cloak themselves into this unreal world because they find a joy in it that they do not find in their own lives. The prefer to spend their time in the fake world over spending time in the real world with you. The red flag on this is the size of Texas.......... Your pressure of marriage will lead to more gaming not less.
I apologize in advance if you feel this was harsh or too straight forward. I just read this and watched as almost the entire post screamed out for help. I am going to close with a very simple question and leave that as your food for thought, because you really need to think about this.
Are you scared to be alone with yourself and forced to face the issues that you need to fix on your own?
The way you describe your relationship with your BF screams codependancy and dysfunction to me. Is that what you want in your next relationship after your marriage ended?
Please tell me how it shows codependancy and dysfunction. No that is not what I want. I am trying to figure things out. Can you explain?
He clearly sees the issues that you have and the way that you try and manipulate the conversations. You ask him if he loves you and he says yes and you have to add on the "with all your heart" crap. Meaning him just loving you is simply not good enough?
WOW....he said this word for word. He said he felt like I was always trying to measure things.
he is going to try and picture what that marriage will be like. In order for him to want to that picture has to be clear, happy, drama free, and serene. I guarantee you right now that picture for him is none of those things.
He also said this to me several times. He said I am confusing him. He said I was making him think twice. He loves me but doesnt want to get stuck in a marriage with me questioning things day after day.
That is a huge flaw and one that can have an enormous weight on any relationship. You need to figure out the underlying issues that cause you to be that way and get them straightened out before you make an expectation of anyone to be understanding and ok with that emotional issue.
Did you read what I wrote happened in my childhood. It is a couple pages back I think. I have been trying to figure it out. I honestly feel like I have been abandaned all my life.
You do not mean to make it that way and yet you do. A healthy person gives unto others with no expectations of reciprocation. It's not a contest and if you are giving of yourself for any other reason than that it makes YOU happy to do for others, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
You are right! That is why I said I dont mean for it to be that way, because I am not really like taht. BUT I guess I am trying to find flaws in him maybe.
Gamers who play all the time are hiding from reality.
As far as the gaming goes, he has always played this game. He plays with his brother sometimes. BUT I do agree it es escaping from life because my son does the same exact thing.
Are you scared to be alone with yourself and forced to face the issues that you need to fix on your own?
No need to say you are sorry. I appreciate your time.
And to answer your question....honestly I am wanting to desperately fix my prbs. but dont know how. I am NOT afraid to face them...I WANT to face them. As far as being alone. I have NEVER liked being alone. I LOVE to talk and could talk to anyone anytime about anything usually. I LOVE company. On top of this I guess its where I have had abandandment issues. Any help or advice is welcome. I dont want to be codependent Again!
- Feel most comfortable when they are giving - Find needy people to take care of - Try to please others instead of themselves - Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility - Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem - Wonder why people don't do for them - Feel victimized by the "selfishness" of others - Try to be all things to all people all the time - Have difficulty saying "no" and/or setting boundaries - Feel empty and bored when they are not involved in a crisis - Seek out chaos and then complain about it - Get angry when somebody refuses their help or doesn't take their advice - Tend of have a self-esteem that is connected to "doing" - Try to prove that they are good enough to be loved - Are afraid of making mistakes - Are easily offended by other's "rudeness" or "insincerity" or "uncaring attitude" - Can become self-righteous with phrases like "I would NEVER do that...." - Try to be perfect, and expect others to be perfect - Have self-blame and put themselves down - Must be in control at all times
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I don't think I can say the name of this author without violating the rules, but google "inner child" and you'll find him. He writes about how people can recover from childhood abuse and abandonment issues.
