SC, Thanks for the reply, I know you were hesitant to state it.. but I have read those other threads for almost two hours now, and I think you may have hit my sitch exactly, I am really surprised nobody else brought it up until now... Almost scary when I ready your sitch and some of the others in the MLC... SOOOOO many similarities.. Thank you again for opening my eyes to another possible "thing" going on here.. It seems as though my focus may be changing, it may be a question of "how long do I stand" at this point and focus on acceptance of the reality that I can only continue to work on myself, and "hope" that she realizes what she is losing before it is too late..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
I am wondering now after reading what SC suggested if I should actually be looking at the MLC forum?? Can anyone else comment on my sitch?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
tbd68, There are aspect of MLC in my sitch. I don't think MLC fits mine exactly. So I read threads in MLC and post here. I think I get more feedback here.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS, Thanks for the reply, I am still wondering if mine fits too.. but I keep reading alot of the different areas on this board after SC brought it to my attention.. The biggest thing that sticks out to me is in a thread called "my thoughts on why they run away during crisis" and it has to do with childhood.. My W's parents divorced when she was a junior in High School, and now she and her father have not spoken in 20 years (she did not even invite him to our wedding). I have stood by her on this over the years, as I felt it was her decision, but the abandonment now sticks out very Glaringly .. when considering the MLC side of our sitch..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
OK, another weekend..I need some advice from other BITS. Wife told me she wanted a divorce on 2/8, my MC told me when I saw her alone the next day to start to "separate myself" from her, don't watch TV, play games, hang out together,etc... (sort of like going dark to see what she is missing..her best friend, but can't go completely dark in the same house) so the last 3 weeks have been mostly apart, i have gone away with S13 two of the weekends, we eat dinner together every night as a family, but don't talk on the phone 6 times a day like we used to, once every other day or so for kid related issues mostly is all.. But this morning, she is different, she just asked me to have a "down day", watch some old movies together, maybe play a game? and then she says are you comfortable with that? Am I enabling her ? or is she really looking back to her "best friend"??? Sorry to be so long on this, but I am not really sure what the right thing to do here is?? I told her I had to run to work and would see her in two hours.. didn't really commit to the day or not.. Do I look at this as a "baby step" and go with it? or is it contrary to all DB principles? I am trying to look at it, as having some "fun, relaxing time together", or is this just wishful thinking??
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
I would take it as a baby step. You detaching, has made her want to draw closer.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Tdb68, Yeah I think it is a baby step. So do we reward a baby step? IDK, I am not getting ones I can reward.
My DB coach encouraged trying to have a pleasant no pressure time together that W could remember favorably. That hasn’t happened yet, no opportunity to do so, and IMO trying to make one is pursuing.
Sorry you didn’t get more feedback. What did you decide to do?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well, the wife and I spent a lot of time together this weekend, watching movies, hanging out. There was absolutely zero R talk, I certainly knew better than to bring it up.. Saturday, we both went our separate ways for a few hours, (she running errands, me to work), met up at the house around two and proceeded to have a "movie marathon", it was a free Showtime weekend, so we just relaxed, didn't really talk, but needed some downtime, we did that from 2 to 10.. Played 3 games of scrabble together Sunday morning while having coffee, went our own way for a couple of hours and did a repeat of Saurday's movie marathon.. Kind of a lazy weekend, but, we both had hard weeks' with a lot of work, and our boys would join us individually throughout the weekend, when we had something they wanted to watch, otherwise, they were in there own world. Has not pushed the D since last Wednesday, when I stupidly brought it up..
So, everyone, was this positive ? or being a doormat?? For myself, I like to think it was positive, but, am I just holding on to what we once had??? or is it really a sign that maybe, just maybe, even though she is saying it, she truly is not as ready to give up as what she would like me to believe??
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Well, it was positive if you spent that much time together and didn't get into any bad areas with each other. But, I would definitly wait for her to make the next contact or any kind of move.
Keep doing what works. Pulling back seemed to have drawn her toward you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
