Piecing is almost harder than before...

[XYZ]

She's working for sure, I just wish she'd express that I am too.

One of the parts that's the hardest for me is that the only VERBAL feedback I get from W is negative. Now, her ACTIONS for sure indicate that we're moving in the right direction, but I think she's scared to say anything similar to "yes, I think this will work and we'll be ok; I'm starting to feel a little better". A statement like that would totally fill my motivation tank and allow me to know that I can hang in there forever. Instead, I have to interpret sometimes ambiguous actions and hope what I think is real and then I second guess what I think I saw.

[Harrier]

X...

So when she writes ILY, that isn't motivation? (I'm not trying to be a jerk here) What does it mean when she writes that? It it rote to you? Have you consider asking her about how she feels things are moving or where they are headed. I know you aren't in MC which makes things harder in my opinion.

I do agree that she needs to acknowledge your work too. Of course, you don't want to bring it up to pick a fight.

It's funny we all have things that bug us about our situations. Things that we aren't getting.

[Harrier]

Guys I don't mean to be a jerk about things. I'll just let you vent from now on without questioning.

[XYZ]

You aren't being a jerk. I like getting different opinions, it shows me other ways to look at things. Thanks.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier your point of view is invaluable. I have wanted to point out many times that your advice is right on the money, but...I get the feeling you're a bit like me and don't really need the glad-handing.

You successfully piece by continually rising to the challenge, challenging a posters 'vent' is key to this, instead of wallowing the poster should be looking at other angles.
Not just the self pitying one.

[XYZ]

Both...right on, as always. I want and need other view points. W and I for sure don't see things the same way, so one of you helping me see a different view makes it that much easier to get through this process.

I am dead-set on being a success story here and if that means my ego takes a hit instead of my marriage taking a hit than beat my ego to pieces!

[Harrier]

Well guys.

One good thing came out of the big fight last Tuesday. My W said now she really feels I get her perspective. You know what I am 1000 % more patient than I was a week ago. Weekend was great. In fact the last 5 days or so have been smooth. I think I finally had my a-ha moment (or my JTB moment)

1. First, I do miss the physical connection, but I don't need it. I want it but don't need it.

2. I have the mantra "when she's ready." As is she will kiss me When she's ready. I have 100% faith that she will be ready. She's here, she's in the house, I see and talk to her. I have all the advantages.

3. I'm glad I chose to explore why I was impatient. For me it wasn't working to just say "don't be impatient."

4. I'm really starting to enjoy just having her around as opposed to having us all over each other.

5. A thought about trying to read your W's actions. Most would say just stop, but that always isn't realistic. Our MC suggested this. We all tend to fill in the story for actions we see. Right after our W does something and before we react we have a choice about how we interpret the action - a positive way and a negative way. Why do you always have to go the negative route when the positive is just as likely and makes things so much better.
My example - I ran a 1/2 marathon on Saturday morning. I told my wife I was leaving and she walked with me to the front door. I thought she might kiss me as she usually does before I race. But No.
I got in the car and was about to get upset about it, then I thought. She stopped what she was doing and walked me to the front, wisedh me good luck and told me to call her when I was done. When she could have just said "See ya later" from the other room.
Then I started to feel pretty darn good about her actions. I could've thought since she didn't give me a kiss she doesn't love me but instead I thought what she did was nice and caring. And I'd rather have had that than a kiss where she really didn't care.

She also texted me just before the start to wish me luck and told me not to freeze my buns off.

I'm finding it's easier and easier to put a positive spin on things. There are a lot of positive feelings around our house.

With my W, I know she's one for the big splash. So I suspect she will ask me to ML again instead of just starting little physical affection. But since that is off the table this week there will be no expectations.

Lastly, I've also been keeping notes in my phone where I highlight a few positive things my wife did that day. It really helps to see all the little things she's been doing.

[Harrier]

Okay guys. I'll continue to be a jerk...errr challenge people. LOL.

[XYZ]

jerk.

[Bolt]

harrier, I do value your opinion for sure. Keep them coming. Yes we are partially venting but we also need smacked upside the head when we may be doing something that isn't beneficial.

x- that saying is awesome. My ego or my marriage. Yep, I'll take the bash to the ego every time.

back to Harrier -
What you are doing is inspirational to me because that same thing has happened. Expecting a kiss but not then realizing what exactly she DID do. That's what I'm looking for AFTER the fact instead of looking for something BEFORE the fact.

Let's keep each other on track!