Hi there, this is my first post, I've been reading the boards the past few weeks and admire the strength and wisdom of many people here and hope someone can help me out. I’ll try to make it as short as possible, I’m on little sleep and my head is swimming but my registration was just approved and I’m dying to get feedback.
The relevant background: * H and I are young. I’m 25, he is 22. We have been together for 5 years and married for 3. * Not only am I older, but I have had a lot more life experience than him. I’m more educated, I lived on my own 5 years before we married, etc. He lived with his parents before we were married and has never been single. * We both come from very broken families and from a town where the culture is anti-marriage. Neither of us can name one couple from back home that has been married happily for more than 5 years. We have no relationship role models, basically. * We had a very tumultuous dating relationship and were very on and off. * Right before we married H joined the Army and about 6 months after that he was deployed to Iraq for over a year. Shortly into his deployment I discovered an EA (later on I discover a PA and another EA) and left him. We were contacting lawyers, I moved out, the whole nine yards. Then suddenly, he has a “Come to Jesus” realization and says he made a terrible mistake, would do anything to fix our marriage, etc. I give him a chance to prove himself for the rest of his deployment (a little over a year).
That was over two years ago and in those two years he did exactly what he said he would. We worked HARD on our marriage, he read the relationship books, I set boundaries and he stuck to them. I thought our communication was wonderful. We were very, very in love, very connected, best friends, bragged about how amazing our marriage was. I thought those bad times in the beginning of our relationship were over and was so proud of the beautiful marriage we both created. He was amazing, caring, a great husband overall. We were planning on TTC this year. In October we even bought a new SUV to prepare for our future child.
I don’t know how much this has to do with anything but I think it’s worth mentioning that I suffer from depression and anxiety and H had never really seen me at my worst and this fall, I got pretty bad. I was going to therapy, taking my meds, working at it but I noticed that he wasn’t really getting it. I knew it was hard on both of us so in early January I talked to him about it, like I normally could about anything, to try to work things out. That’s when he dropped the “Bomb.” He said he didn’t care; he didn’t want to do anything. He LMBWILWM. He said his friends from work (21 year old soldiers who are not married, live in the barracks and go out and party every single weekend) looked like they were having more fun and he wanted to be like them and live that life. I was in SHOCK. I asked him how long he felt this way and he said he wasn’t sure but he knew that he didn’t feel that way on Thanksgiving. So in two months he went from wanting to have kids and being happily married to wanting a D.
He agreed to go to MC after some pleading from me. He said that he didn’t think it would change his feelings, and wasn’t even sure if he wanted it to. He was living at home but from that conversation on he was a different person, distant, uncaring. He said he would “try” but I didn’t see it and said if he couldn't act like he cared then he should leave. He moved out.
This was about 6 weeks ago. After that it was very little contact and in all of his free time he was partying with his friends (Before this he never, ever went out to bars. I always wanted to go out and he said it wasn’t his thing. Not even for his 21st birthday). We met each other for dinner twice and went to marriage counseling once. It was incredibly weird, like I didn’t know him. His whole personality was different. It was very painful. I couldn’t take the lonely nights at home wondering what he was doing; worried he was going to cheat on me. I felt like he already checked out of the relationship. I gave him an ultimatum and said move back home or I’m divorcing you. He chose D. A few days later he moved his stuff out. By then I already REALLY regretted giving him the ultimatum and begged him to try again. He adamantly refused and said he was 100% over this M and there was no going back ever for him. This was 8 days ago and I haven’t talked to him since.
Of course, since then I’ve read DB and the forums. I can see all the mistakes I’ve made. I know I acted rashly and should have been grateful he was at least willing to go to MC. What was hard for me was that I felt like we had already gone through this! He left me and did this personality 180 before and he knows better. So I’m having a hard time figuring out if he is just an immature jerk who isn’t ready for marriage and I am a doormat who lets him emotionally abuse me. Everyone in my life thinks I should cut my losses at my age and find someone more committed and appreciative. On the other hand, he has also been a wonderful husband for the past two+ years, he is (normally) my best friend and I have a LOT invested in this relationship. I am so confused as to how things flipped with him so quickly. Was it my depression? Was it my neediness for him (I admit I have problems too)? Was it peer influence? Is he just a “bad” person? I have noticed a pattern that as soon as life gets a bit stressful he bails and I keep coming back to that, wondering if maybe with our family history and his age if he just doesn't have the coping skills to deal. I wonder if maybe he needs to just grow up and maybe this separation will be a good thing for that?
Right now I still want things to work but I need to know if it’s a lost cause. He seems very happy with being “single” right now. He does not think a R is at all possible and already considers himself single. But in our state there is a mandatory separation period of 366 days before you can file for divorce and like I said, we’re only on day 8. A lot can change then, right? I mean, a lot changed in a few months, even a few weeks. Right now I’m “dark” (not that he notices) and I’m trying to focus on the issues I brought to this R. It’s been hard for me not to wallow in regret for how I handled things recently, though. Every day feels like a million years right now. I miss him so much and am in so much pain. It’s especially hard for me to think of the girls I am sure he is sleeping with, especially since I have had to deal with that in the past and it is bringing up all those terrible feelings.
Thanks so much if you’ve read this far. So what is your take? Any hope? Should I cut my losses? Any advice? Any clue as to what is going on with him now? Is it possible to have a Quarter Life Crisis?
