Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Bolt]

Hey guys,

From my experience with piecing, which is ongoing and always will be with my marriage.

Since both of us were working toward addressing problems and trying to work through them, That DB rule of no R talks, had to go by the wayside. Modified, of course.

Understand she was in a place where she was working on being married to me. So, take the R talk advice with a grain of salt.

Now, I wanted to have an R talk...pfffpt what every day? Temperature check, for that needy I need validation sort of codependant person.

But I also knew that there was no way she would want that...and who would besides an LBS?

I offered to her a compromise, that I would try not to inititate them but once a month or longer, and if something was really bothering me, I would also try and figure it out on my own, and not let it affect our interactions. If I couldn't get over, past or determine that it wasn't important, I would bring it up rather than let it affect me and us.

I'm getting to that point for sure.
I don't feel bad bringing it up but I don't want to make it seem like I'm doing it every day.

great stuff, man.

[XYZ]

Ok, I'm sure some will say that I'm posting too much about small details and over-analyzing, but I find it therapeutic to write here (and later read back). Sometimes it's hard to see how far I/we have come until I read back a month, or two, or five and say "Wow, look how bad it sucked then. It [censored] way less now." Ha.

Anyway, one of the things W said to me a few weeks ago when talking about the pressure I applied, was that I was always looking at her - especially those parts that I find absolutely intoxicating. I don't know if I was or not, but given her feeling that I sexually objectified her in the past and that she FELT that I was it didn't matter....I was. So, one of my back off moves has been to be damn sure I didn't do that. If she was getting dressed or showering, I'd stay away. Not distant, just giving space. If I needed something, I'd get it, make eye contact (and not with other body parts) and leave the room. I'd wait to start my shower until she had her robe one. That kind of thing. So what happened this morning? I finish brushing my teeth and W initiates a conversation with me (just chit chat, nothing serious) WHILE SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER! (we have clear glass shower doors) WTH! That's awesome. I maintained strong eye contact diligently (oh man, I though piecing was hard, it's nothing compared to that. lol). Nice chat and on with the day. Baby step me thinks. One more point in the doing good column.

On another note, W has been saying ILY for a while now, but in the last few days the inflection in her voice has changed. Now this is way way subtle, but before it was ILY like you might tell your mom or a friend. Lately, it's ILY like you tell a girl/boyfriend. Again maybe my mind; maybe not. Right now with the big exception of absolutely no physical contact, the R feels "normal" to me again. Not normal like the bad times pre-bomb normal, but normal like in the good ole days normal. I hope she feels it too. Keeping up the no pressure, it certainly feels to be working.

X out.

[Bolt]

x - post away!
It IS therapeutic and like you said, you can read back to help you move forward. Great way of looking at it.

AND we(definitely I) like to see how others in a very similar situation are getting along.

Isn't that funny how we make a little change and it greatly affects our W? It's almost like you wrote down on a piece of paper what you were going to do, she read it and then wanted to test you on it. I know that's not the case but it's pretty funny. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. I'm sure she consciously or subconsciously got it.

One thing I would suggest for you is to figure out a way to treasure your W and her "assets" without her feeling like you want to bend her over the kitchen table. There's a difference between ogling and appreciating.

[Harrier]

Had our MC session this morning. At first W was complaining about it. I know a few months a ago , that would've lead to a fight, but I just kinda listened. Turns out she didn't like taking a part of her day to have this, but knows it important.

Overall a very good session. Basically we talked about being impatient. First thing he says to me "You don't strike me as an impatient guy."

The he says that here is something that is causing the impatience. I know. We get into this whole idea that I at times need the physical touch as a sign. Of what? I said that she still loves me. I said that when I don't get it I feel rejected and lonely or that she doesn't love me. So basically she says you attribute a secondly meaning to the lack of affection and it threatens you. So when you get threatened you get angry. The key is to stop it before it threatens you.

that makes total sense to me because I could never see the connection between being impatient and getting angry as I did. Now it's fairly clear. If something dear to you is threatened, you do get mad.

My wife did say that she could work harder on that stuff because she also has attached a secondary meaning to giving me touches that doesn't exist anymore. We will see where it goes. The MC did say that we were making a lot of progress.

We also agreed its occasionally okay to bring up issue for clarification to each other.

Lastly, I was thinking about it this way. I have to turn a negative into a positive. Take no sex. - With not having sex, I'm free from the anticipation of will it happen to night or not and no rejection either. plus i can let myself go. LOL or the long you go without those touches the sweeter they will be. Thank kind a stuff.

XYZ, while my W doesn't complain about me objectifying parts of her body. She certainly makes it difficult to ignore when she routinely walks around naked after a show or walks about in sexy black underwears. :-0

[Sad_but_happy]

The problem is most women don't realize that men are wired differently. I could stare all day at my W's good parts. that's not to say that I don't appreciate everything... It's just that thousands of years of evolution have created a sexually driven species.

Misunderstanding comes from not understanding... And that goes for both sexes...

[XYZ]

Uggggg. This damn roller-coaster. I'm not sure how many more of these ups and downs I can take before I just get off of it once and for all.

If you had asked me at 5:00PM yesterday how the weekend had been, I would have said pretty good, very very busy, but good. If you had asked at 6:00PM yesterday how the weekend had been, I would have said GREAT. If you asked me at 7:00PM, terrible. Let me try to recap a bit.

We had an extremely busy weekend. Lots of family events, lots of stuff. All went well. W and I got along great. Good time with kids, etc. We decided to go out for Mexican food last night, but as we were getting ready, it became clear that the kids were pretty tired and going out wasn't such a good idea. Since W was ready and I wasn't, she said she'd just go pick it up to go. I said no problem, I'll stay here with the kids. A few minutes later I get a TM from W asking if I minded if she have a margarita at the bar before ordering. We're friendly with a bar tender there (female) and she was working. I replied, no problem. W and I had friendly banter via TM for the next 40 min or so. She told me it was nice to have a moment to breath. I said no problem, hang out for a few and breath. She replied "I feel guilty with you and kids at home", I replied "I get that, and I think it's fine for you to take a couple minutes to feel human again" She replied "Thank you for your support". GREAT! Score a point for team XYZ.

Then she gets home with the food. Still fine at first, but....she starts to tell me about this women she saw at the bar. She says "you'd like her". I smiled and said "Why's that?". She says "well she had lots of blond hair, big boobs, dressed real sexy". I said "Oh well, I think I'll stick with you, you're what I like". Here it comes....she starts right then with "well, that's not what you always led me to believe. You wanted me to dress that way, and that was what you always liked in movies and stuff." WTF. Great weekend so where's this coming from? I replied, "well, I'm very sorry that I've made you feel that way. I want and have always wanted you just the way you are." "Well, I'm sorry you made me feel that way too." On and on. Kids wanted me to take them outside and W asked me to do that. A bit later, I came back in and W was crying. I hugged her and said "I love you and always have - Just the way you are."

W in a funk the rest of the night and this morning. This damn roller coaster. I hate it and I don't understand it.

[XYZ]

Update: So W and I were TM this morning. As it was winding down, I said "You ok?" She replied "I'm OK".

Me: "Sorry it was a tough evening and even more sorry that I've made you feel that way in the past. You're everything I want or have ever wanted. ILY"

W: "I shouldn't have brought it up, ILY"

Me: "I want you to feel free to bring up anything you ever want to. Good or bad, doesn't matter. I want you to feel ok doing that. ily"

W: "it just makes me feel badly and there's no point in bringing up feelings like that. Thanks, though. ily"

Me: "if it helps you work through it, that's a huge point for me. ILY"


Ugggg. So, not fun, but may in a way to show compassion after all.

[Bolt]

actually, I think that is pretty good, man.

I really do.

AND you answered EXACTLY right.

She let you feel her anger to you and how you made her feel. You validated her feelings AND let her know that you will never do that again. You never intended to do it and now you see how she feels.

Dude, the crying is HER getting over that pain. My W did EXACTLY the same thing. EXACTLY TO A TEEE just a few days back.

This is good for her and in turn, good for you.

ALSO - the next convo about her being sorry for bringing it up. Score again for XYZ. You now WANT her to express her emotions - something that she has suppressed for some time. You once again, validated her feelings BUT told her to please DO express them. This is the new relationship and that she should feel comfortable telling you these things.

DEAD ON dude. DEAD ON!

I know you may feel down, but I assure you this is the right path. I'm literally right there neck and neck with you, man.

stay strong...OOP...I mean, stay patient

[Harrier]

XYZ, Bolt

Your W's crying over the past - and you don't think they are working???

[Bolt]

oh I DO believe it is her working BUT it took me to hear it to realize it.

I told my W that I'm still learning this process too and for her to have patience with me as well.