You are going to have to let go of this. You cannot control what she does. You can only control what you do. You have the same chance we all do when we come here. You have the books, the tools must be personalised to your situation. The tools work, the strategies work, do what works.
Yes it's counter intuitive, yes it's internally wrenching to do things that go against your natural proclivities.
I am sure my H is having an EA. Can I do anything about it, no absolutely not. All I can do is be MORE attractive to him than what he's settling for.
I'm the banquet, anyone else isn't going to compare as I make the changes I need to be the best me possible. I have a connection that's unbreakable, and a history with my H.
You share in this.
Be the banquet.
Thank you Scylla, you are absolutely correct. I finally got that into my head on Sunday. We had a conversation about some things and she told me she doesn't want "us" to work...She wants a fresh start. She did say she wants some type of relationship with me. I am at peace with that and will continue to DB (and do a better job then I've done up until now!).
Yesterday was a FANTASTIC day! I woke up early and took a shower. Since the bathroom is in her room, she woke up when I was done. I was all dressed up and went to curch (haven't been in years and have been meaning to). When I got home, she was still asleep. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes. So I went to the living room to take care of the dogs. She came out after about 15 minutes and sat on the couch. We talked about nothing for 30 minutes (this is one of the things I have never really done with her). She had to go get ready to leave so I ran to the store to get her daughter some meds and came home and started cleaning our blinds (I never knew they could get that dirty!). After she go ready, she asked me to put some lotion on her back (she got some pretty intensive tatto's on Valentine's day...might be a MLC). She left and I finished up.
She got home at about 8:30 last night, I was watching a taped TV show. I turned it off and opened the door for her. I told her I was washing a load of dark and asked if she needed anything washed. She gave me the jeans she was wearing and made a pile in the bathroom of some clothes. I got them, washed them and sat on the couch. She sat down in the chair and we talked again for about 30-35 minutes...about nothing! She said she was tired and moved on to the bedroom. I finished watching my show and went to bed as well.
All I want is for her to get to know the new me. She is seeing what I am doing and now we have talked. To me, that is a step in the right direction.
I didn't check her phone records at all yesterday and have no desire to today. I think I am healing and that makes me happy.
Brian: sorry to task this. Hope i am not intruding too much.
So you play a lot of games. But you also mentioned that you guys made love after 1 year?
Is there a reason why your sex life was down? You also mentioned that both of you were depressed. Any reason?
Thats because i dont think your wife decided to leave just because of your video game addiction. Maybe there's something else underneath that was eating the relationship.
See I had a horrible addiction to hobbies. I had tons of hobbies. R/C, metalworking, woodworking, model trains, you name it. But underneath i was depressed. Depressed that our relationship was going down the drain. I did not actively try to improve the relationship. Now my wife did hate me having all these hobbies. When she left i wondered if my hobbies were a reason. In a way they were a reason. Hobbies kept me from working on my relationship.
So it would be good to analyze to see if there was something else that could a big reason for your wife walking out.
Karma,
Early on in our marriage, I played WoW ALL the time. When I finally quit that, I played other things. I know it hurt her that I chose the games over her. "It is such a terrible feeling to feel alone even while sitting next to your husband." It took me a long time to understand what she meant by that. ALL my games are gone for good.
Before February, we had sex maybe 3 times in 4-5 years. Why you ask? I am on Zoloft for anxiety..it desensitises you down there. After reading the DB book, obviously, I was depressed and that didn't help matters in that area. I am also overweight and I'm sure that was partly to blame on my side. But the WORST reason was my pride. There were so many nights that I would just look at her and want to touch her but just never asked (or acted). I don't know why either. My wife is beautiful. She would never have turned sex down. I am just an idiot!!
As far as our depression is concerned..my wife was depressed because she wasn't getting the support (emotional or physical) she needed from me for so many years. I never opened up and shared my feelings...That is a serious problem with me. I don't know how to speak what I feel. So after years of all of this, feeling alone, she grew depressed. I grew depressed because I knew there was something wrong but didn't know what to do.
Games weren't the only reason she left. It was everything. My lack of respect for her. I would say things that you would never say to the one you love. I never raised a finger to help her with the house, yard, dogs, finances, etc. She ran the household. I just brought in a large check every two weeks. I was selfish and lazy. I didn't give her the attention she needed. Whenever we had a disagreement, I was always right...ALWAYS. I never apologized for my actions or words. I could go on and on...I know what I have done to this relationship. I know need to continue my 180 lifestyle change and keep it permanent.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I wish I was...That would mean my wife wanted this to work too.
Yesterday, seemed to be a good day. I came home after work and finished off a load of laundry. I folder her clothes and put them on hangers and laid them on her bed. I have NEVER had straighter lines on a pair of jeans as they were being hung up. My neighbor came over and we talked for a bit. By 9:30, she still wasn't home so I moved into the spare bedroom to get ready for bed. I grabbed 2 (out of 4) of the dogs. I left a nice smelling candle burning for her in the living room, and as always, I made her bed and left her nightstand light on for her. I also loaded up one of my IPODs for her.
It was about 10:15 when she got home, I already had the light out in my room. She let the remaining 2 dogs out and came straight to my room. She asked why I was in bed already and I told her that I had stayed out in the living room for a while and was tired. She took the other 2 dogs and let them out and got ready for bed. She came back to my room and thanked me for folding her clothes and said it was sweet. She then told me she loved me and said goodnight.
This morning, her door was locked when I tried to let the dogs out. When she came out, she told me she did that because she LOVES the IPOD and was dancing last night while listening to it and didn't want me to walk in on her doing that.
I haven't checked her phone records since Saturday and don't plan to anymore. That isn't anything I can control. I can only control me and my actions. I pray each day for the strength to get through that day.
I came home last night to her actually home and in the living room (about 9 PM). I sat down and tried to have a conversation with her, but she was more interested in texting with the guy. We did discuss finances a bit. I am getting left with most of the bills. She is so emotionaly disconnected from me. My plan tonight is to be in my room when she comes in. Make her come to me for a little small talk before bed.
One funny thing did happen yesterday though. I had to go home for the TV repair man to deliver one of our TV's. On Wednesday's, I am in a bowling league after work so I don't go home first. I text her to let her know I was letting the dogs out and such before I left again. She called me about something and as we were getting off the phone, I told her to have a nice day. She paused as if she was waiting for me to tell her I loved her. I said "bye" and then she also replied "bye" but almost as a sigh (She does still say she loves me every now and then). I just don't she how she can say that while wanting her "fresh start" and this to be over. I'm thinking she is also going through a MLC as well.
Anyways..sorry to ramble. This place is my only release right now.
Just left the mortgage company. My wife wants $30K from me refinancing. I was told that the most I could get is $1700. So after talking with the agent, we decided against refinancing. I do have an open line of credit (second mortgage) that I can grab $20K from. So that is what I will do. By not refinancing, I will save $200K over the life of the loan (15 years as opposed to 30).
It was hard being in there alone. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. It made everything that is happening so real.
Those little kindnesses go a long way Brian. Be thankful she is open to them and can recieve them and not take them as "her due". It's good you recognise your limits of control here, it'a a very hard things to learn.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Hi Brian. Sorry to see that you are here... only bc of what it means for us when we seek out this website. But welcome!
I just read your sitch and it is VERY similar to mine and to that of many others here. Following this post, I'm going to post another with a list of 37 DB do's and don'ts. It helped me get started and has kept me focused.
I've noticed that you are not getting a lot of responses to you thread. That will get better. Just keep posting regularly. Don't be afraid to seek out advice from others here either. If you have a question or want someone to take a look at your thread... post on their thread. I know that 2Step, lostinscared, grr, bolt and myself are more than willing to chime in if you would like us to. Just let us know.
The BITS is a group of us that have befriended each other... I know all of them as well as any of here can know one another. They are all great and more than willing to help.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hi Brian. Sorry to see that you are here... only bc of what it means for us when we seek out this website. But welcome!
I just read your sitch and it is VERY similar to mine and to that of many others here. Following this post, I'm going to post another with a list of 37 DB do's and don'ts. It helped me get started and has kept me focused.
I've noticed that you are not getting a lot of responses to you thread. That will get better. Just keep posting regularly. Don't be afraid to seek out advice from others here either. If you have a question or want someone to take a look at your thread... post on their thread. I know that 2Step, lostinscared, grr, bolt and myself are more than willing to chime in if you would like us to. Just let us know.
The BITS is a group of us that have befriended each other... I know all of them as well as any of here can know one another. They are all great and more than willing to help.
BITS Denver
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thank you for responding. I will follow that list religiously from here on out! I hope you all don't mind me using this as a form of release as well...I don't have a lot of friends that I can talk about this too.
