Wanda I hate the roller coaster and I hate what this does to kids. We can't control what our spouses are doing and really all we can control is ourselves. I know that the only thing I want is the best for my girls. It's my job to teach them how a man should behave. I am a good man and I made the mistake of letting my wife control the marriage. From now on I will not let them see me as a weak man. I will show them a confident loving father that will do everything without fear. You need to be strong for your children.
I know you will trust again someday just as I will. We all need to see that it took two people to cause our marriages to fall apart. I have accepted my responsibility and don't really know if my wife has. But what we do learn is the things we have done wrong can never happen again in our next relationship whether with our spouce or not.
Stay strong and stay positive.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Wanda I hate the roller coaster and I hate what this does to kids. We can't control what our spouses are doing and really all we can control is ourselves. I know that the only thing I want is the best for my girls. It's my job to teach them how a man should behave. I am a good man and I made the mistake of letting my wife control the marriage. From now on I will not let them see me as a weak man. I will show them a confident loving father that will do everything without fear. You need to be strong for your children.
I know you will trust again someday just as I will. We all need to see that it took two people to cause our marriages to fall apart. I have accepted my responsibility and don't really know if my wife has. But what we do learn is the things we have done wrong can never happen again in our next relationship whether with our spouce or not.
Stay strong and stay positive.
Amen SW - Amen
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
H texted this morning about D7. He started saying things like I guess I am a looser father like I was a looser husband...So is this a pity party he is having for himself? It would be nice if he could just man up and stop this kinda crap. i know I have no control over his actions, reactions and what he is feeling. There are those weak moments that I have where I just want to say come home...but after everything I know I can not. I would probably be okay for 24 hrs and then it would all come back to me. And I would hate him and resent him more than I already do. This is one rollercoaster ride that I just want OFF. This week must be my crying week because that is all I have done.
I hurt for my kids. I hurt for the M I have lost. I miss my best friend. maybe I am having the pity party. This really [censored]. So my new goal for tomorrow is...DO NOT CRY!
Also I wanted to let everyone know that this week has been crappy and I have no good advice to give lately. But I have been reading and keeping up with everyone's sitch. I just don't feel I could give positive advice right now so I have not been posting on anyone's sitch.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Ok so I blew my goal for today. I went to get my personal belongings out of the travel trailer today and had a major melt down. Why in the heck do my eyes keep leaking???? I know what is best for me....just don't know if it is best for my kids???? what a crappy crappy day. Do the tears ever stop? And how come I have been able to go for a month without this stupid crying thing and now all week that is all I have done??? I just do not get it.
Had a talk with H today when he picked up kids for a movie. I was fine. didn't feel anything but sorry for him. Then he leaves and I come unglued. What the heck is this?? Very frustrated with this emotional roller coaster I am on. It just does not make any sense.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Wanda, I'm not nearly as deep in as you are, but my fear is I'll end up around the same place in a few months. I think the tears are a combination of letting go and feeling helpless. You thought you had this all figured out, you put so much effort into DBing, he just kept coming up with new ways to test your endurance. You are not helpless in this. You cannot make him do anything, true, but think about all the small improvements you've seen through DBing. Maybe DBing isnt going to get you to the point where you'll want to stay married, but I think it can help you and your H get to the point where you're making a safe, positive home(s) again for your kids.
My mom and I had a really good talk when this first happened - she said maybe my H was not the person we all thought he was...that he'd been trying to live up to that person, but just couldn't maintain it anymore. With DB, I've sort of rejected that theory....but it isn't a bad one. It isn't ok for a H to do the things ours do...either they sort themselves out and man up or they dont get to be our H.
If you look at your husband like that, does it help you detach? He loved you so much that he tried to live up to your positive view of him. He just couldn't keep it up. I can forgive my husband for that - I can wish for more honesty and kindness in how he acted on it.
You can guide your husband to feeling more proud of himself as a father with what's in Michelle's books. You can still help yourself and your kids and him - can you find your way to a somewhat positive "friend" relationship (I shudder, thinking about all the crap he's put you through). My H stunk when he 1st left - he was crabby and not engaged when he visited the kids. I've seen results there, at least, and I've seen how it helps my kids and I've felt stronger and better about my life because of it.
Yes, I miss my best friend, too.
And don't underestimate your hormones...kills me. Sorry for rambling, it's been a day with the kids/no adults. That always makes me jabbery.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Wow, thanks for that AJM80. There just seems to be so much weird stuff going on right now that my thoughts and emotions feel like they are on a merry go round. You say that maybe my H couldn't live up to the person he thought I expected him to be. That could be a possibility. So why is it that now that he is gone, he is doing the things I have asked him to do? Not everything, but he has definately started. Like going to the movies with the kids. Going to the gym. Staying on his AD's.
Why do this now? I am not perfect in the M. I definately helped with the break down of it, but I always felt that I was willing to listen to what he had to say. I would try to make an effort to do something to change things. Like sex was a big part of our fights. H is the HD and I am the LD...sort of. One of the last suggestions I had to H about our differences in the bedroom was to go to the gym. Not him, but both of us. I told him that I thought the couple that works out together has more sex together. He wasn't interested. Now he goes to the gym? I just don't get this behavior from him right now.
I know I will drive myself crazy trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. I know I have to stop. I do not question him on any of this so I guess I am just venting right now. I have to get it out somewhere.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
I have felt very emotionally exhausted this week end and really wanted to go to bed early....no such luck. My S11 cat is having kittens in my room. At least kitty's are cute and can brighten your day!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
