I was a part of this site a couple of years ago when my husband initially left. To make a long story short... he told me the day after Christmas in 2008 that he wanted a divorce, this also happened to be the day before our 11th anniversary. Talk about bad timing! I had found out a couple of weeks before that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he met online in a Yahoo chat room (she lives in England). He then told me he was addicted to Vicodin and wanted to go to rehab to sort everything out. I took him under the impression that it was the first step on our road to fixing what was broken. He was in rehab for 10 days and when he got home his decision was made. He wanted a divorce and blamed me for all of his problems. He would tell me things like me being in the same room made his skin crawl and would be very, very cruel to me at every chance. He moved out 3/17/09. We'd see each other when I dropped off the kids or if he needed me to take him on an errand (he didn't have a car). Eventually, he moved in with his parents and has been living there since. Throughout everything he continued his online "relationship" with the woman he met and treated me horribly. He'd pick fights about any little thing and try to make it look like everything was my fault. I finally decided to file for divorce last May. It was a horribly sad day. I did not want to divorce him. I felt that I had to. I regret that decision so very much. I really don't know why I did it other than it was the logical thing to do.
So, why am I here? Well, over the past few months he was starting to act like his old self and started to want to do things with me and with me and the kids. We spent New Year's Eve together and have hung out without the kids on quite a few occasions. Each time we've been together he's been flirtatious and sweet... pretty much acting like he did when we were together. I did not push it. I let him make all of the decisions and didn't contact him when we weren't together like things were the same. I encouraged him by being friendly and showing him who I am and reminding him of who he fell in love with. To my knowledge, he was not communicating with the foreign chick during this time. Now... well, now he's back to acting indifferent. He has cut off all communication and won't even look me in the eye when we're in the same area. Even talking to him about things regarding the kids is an effort. I try not to talk to him unless I have to and when he does talk to me I engage but not to the point where I seem like I'm hanging on every word.
I don't know what to do. We're divorced, so there's no busting that. My question is, is it time for me to move on or should I do something to try getting us to where we were? Is that even possible or worth it? I love this man. I truly do. I thought that I would be able to just move forward like he has, but this is not the case. I'm afraid I'm rambling and not really making any sense. I just don't know what to do at this point.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Maybe going dark and only speaking with him if it's something important with the kids is the way to go? I'm just afraid if I go dark then he'll take it as me moving on... I'm just so confused and feel like I've made such a huge mistake...
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
So last night was the daddy/daughter dance at my daughter's school and he came here to pick her up. He was 30 minutes early and stood in the living room all weird. I was fixing her hair in the bathroom, but could hear him talking to my mother and sons. I stepped out and looked down the hall at him and saw him straighten up and kind of puff out his chest a little... I just looked at him and went back into the bathroom. I didn't say much to him while he was there, just about when they'd be back. I did have to help him get his car unstuck from the snow which was pretty funny. I sat at the window watching him try over and over to get the car out (he drives a mini cooper), but he wouldn't come inside and ask for help. I would have left him there, but I didn't want my daughter to be late. When he brought her home he was saying goodbye to the kids and then stopped at the door looked at me and was like, goodbye in this pointed way... Lol, I'm doing this crazy thing where I'm wondering what everything means and it probably means nothing. Oh, the joys of it all...
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
It seems like the only reason he talks to me anymore is to disapprove of the way I handle the kids... tonight it was about me not knowing that our youngest had a science report due yesterday. I'm not sure how I was supposed to know that if he was going to do it with H's dad... He tried telling me that he told me his dad would be out of town, but realized that the conversation never took place after trying to prove that it had. All I did was tell him that I didn't know and going forward I would double check with him. In the past I would have gotten angry and gone through great lengths to prove myself right. Now I just admit where I went wrong and tell him what I'll do in the future to correct it. I have no clue if it makes any impression on him at all, but at least I feel ok about it.
Good times...
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Let me explain a little. H lives with his parents 45 minutes away. The kids have been falling behind with their school work... they're with my mom until I get home at 6, then I make dinner and get things around for the next day... by the time I'm done with that it's about 8. I ask if they've gotten their homework done and they say yes, but inevitably they're missing something. H decides that it's because he's not around enough and thinks it would be a good idea if he picked the kids up from school and helped with their homework. He does this at my house. So, when I get home he's here. He's only been doing this for the past week and a half so it's pretty new. Usually he's texting and doesn't look up from his phone until he leaves. He doesn't really talk to me in the few minutes we're in the same space... just says goodbye and leaves. The first time it killed me to come home and have him here only to be treated like I wasn't even in the room. So, I told myself that he's not here for me, he's here for the kids and decided to just focus on them when I walked through the door and to act as if it was just a normal night of me getting home. The first time I did this he didn't react, which was last Thursday. He didn't come Friday and then next time I saw him was the dance. Today was the first day this week that he's been here. I walked in and said hi to our D and asked her about her day. H starts a conversation about her missing work and we discuss that for a little bit. He then starts talking to me about child support. He lost the first job he's had in almost 4 years a couple of months ago. He only had the job for a little bit, but managed to buy a new (used) mini cooper because of it. He has asked me to put a hold on the support until he finds another job because he can't afford his car and other bills (I have no clue what they are since he lives with his parents). I called to see if they could stop it and they said not unless he paid off what he owed, which he can't do. So, today he's telling me that he's missed 3 car payments and they'll be taking his car if he can't pay by Friday. Well, because I'm a helper and have some need to make sure he's ok I offered to loan him the money for his car payment. Loan is a loose word since he has no real income just unemployment... I told myself it was because I don't want him to lose his car since without it he'd have no way to leave his parents' house. He starts barber school (don't laugh) on the 14th and that wouldn't be possible without a car either. He just looked at me and said, really, you'd do that for me? I said, of course who else do you have? He was like, nobody really. Ugh, I don't know if that was even a good move or if I just said hey you can use me for money when you're down. When he left he thanked me and used his nickname for me...
I don't know what to think about it. It feels so good to just hear him use that name... I feel like I'm grasping at straws...
There are times like this afternoon when H talks to me like he used to and we laugh and he gets that playful look in his eye... it makes the times he's indifferent so much harder.
Any suggestions? Does this mean anything at all?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
Maybe going dark and only speaking with him if it's something important with the kids is the way to go? I'm just afraid if I go dark then he'll take it as me moving on... I'm just so confused and feel like I've made such a huge
I would hope, two years after he moved out and one year after you've divorced, that you have moved on??
If he's interested in talking about reconciliation, you can always listen, but I'd make him prove to me that OW was forever out of the picture. It sounds to me like his pull-back is because he felt that by going on these dates with you, he was "cheating" on the OW.
Sounds strange, I know, but it's typically the way they think.
Maybe my situation is hopeless. I guess I did it all wrong and made it worse. I shouldn't have been the one to file for divorce when I didn't want it... I was just doing what everyone told me was the best thing. I have nothing to stand on now. Just these feelings that won't go away. I've made changes, but they've gone unnoticed. I've gotten a life, but I think it's just seen as me moving on in his eyes. I think I'm just pining away at this point. I'm sure you guys are all busy, but I seem to be the only person posting on this thread. Maybe there is no help for me. Problem is, I don't know how to let him go... I don't really want to...
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
So, H is still talking to his overseas OW... I was being nosy on FB and looked at her page. This is something I try really, really, really hard not to do, but I'm not always successful. Each time I do I confirm why I shouldn't. Tonight it was a post from H to her telling her she is his everything... all I want to do right now is crawl into bed and not get up for days. He has never ever met this person. All they have ever done is communicate online. She lives in ENGLAND for crying out loud! I know they weren't together when he was coming around Dec-the beginning of Feb. He started talking initiating conversations with me almost everyday and would find reasons for us to spend time together on the weekends... I know I wasn't imagining that. I know he was treating me differently then... then a few weeks ago it just stopped. He stopped looking at me when we would swap the kids... he stopped being nice to me and acted indifferently again. So... I looked on his FB page and saw he had changed his relationship status again. UGH, why do I do this to myself?
Please, what do I do?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
I found my old profile and posts... hopefully this will help fill in the gaps I've left. I stopped posted because the computer I had broke and then I didn't think it applied to me anymore.
