I think just the fact that you are still looking inside yourself answers your questions..you have done some hard work and will continue to do it. I don't know if we are ever done working on ourselves, but you should forgive yourself for what you did and your part in the breakdown of your marriage!! You can only control and change you and you have worked to do that and will continue to. Give yourself a break and let it all go..there is nothing you can do to change what went on, but you have been and will continue to learn from it.
Release yourself, quit beating yourself up...you did all you could do..it is on him for not doing the same, but you need to forgive him for not being able to do it. I have gotton to the point where "fault" is not even worth considering anymore...this is what happened and it is over and done, time to move forward either together or apart, still standing or not, the past is gone and that is the bottom line. You were mature, responsible, and loving enough to look within yourself and change what you could..that is more than he did or was willing to do!
Hang in there, we all struggle with this stuff. I know I do and will for a long time. My XH is coming up here in a few days, he is still totally messed up, but is a lot better than he was with the OW and I told him so tonight, I think he gets it, but not sure. It is hard everyday to love someone and see things logically while they still live in "la-la land".
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
