Wanda, I'm not nearly as deep in as you are, but my fear is I'll end up around the same place in a few months. I think the tears are a combination of letting go and feeling helpless. You thought you had this all figured out, you put so much effort into DBing, he just kept coming up with new ways to test your endurance. You are not helpless in this. You cannot make him do anything, true, but think about all the small improvements you've seen through DBing. Maybe DBing isnt going to get you to the point where you'll want to stay married, but I think it can help you and your H get to the point where you're making a safe, positive home(s) again for your kids.
My mom and I had a really good talk when this first happened - she said maybe my H was not the person we all thought he was...that he'd been trying to live up to that person, but just couldn't maintain it anymore. With DB, I've sort of rejected that theory....but it isn't a bad one. It isn't ok for a H to do the things ours do...either they sort themselves out and man up or they dont get to be our H.
If you look at your husband like that, does it help you detach? He loved you so much that he tried to live up to your positive view of him. He just couldn't keep it up. I can forgive my husband for that - I can wish for more honesty and kindness in how he acted on it.
You can guide your husband to feeling more proud of himself as a father with what's in Michelle's books. You can still help yourself and your kids and him - can you find your way to a somewhat positive "friend" relationship (I shudder, thinking about all the crap he's put you through). My H stunk when he 1st left - he was crabby and not engaged when he visited the kids. I've seen results there, at least, and I've seen how it helps my kids and I've felt stronger and better about my life because of it.
Yes, I miss my best friend, too.
And don't underestimate your hormones...kills me. Sorry for rambling, it's been a day with the kids/no adults. That always makes me jabbery.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
