LBS needing advice...

[irishblessings]

I would like to ask for some guidance on working through what I believe is a wall I keep hitting through this journey.

I know everyone’s journey is different – however I am just trying to figure out my next step.

I am finally getting to the point where I have initiated “business” conversations with H. His responses have been cold and stand-offish

My journey truly began I’ll say – 5 years ago. 7 years ago my H turned 40 and he experienced many life and career changes. I didn’t see some of those issues between age 40 and 42 as anything different than what you read about “normal” couples go through. Second-guessing decisions / disagreements – but nothing earth-shattering.

5 years ago more alarming revelations. Engaging in the phone chat lines. Went into counseling – committed to make things better. Things seemed to go better – day to day of raising 3 active teenagers. Many laughs – great moments. 3 years ago found H had a second phone. Admitted to “coming close” to hooking up. Went into INTENSIVE counseling – IC and MC. At this time I felt like my world was devastated (little did I know!). Something happened to me at this point. I completely turned all of my efforts to becoming a better wife – whatever it took. I read everything – studied – questioned every move I made. I prayed – was hypersensitive to any decision that was made / tried to make sure he felt that I was respecting his opinion etc. My kids, family, friends - everyone saw changes. We took a step back and slowed down our life. Concentrated on togetherness. I felt proud of this.

Then last February I found out the unbelievable. He had been lying over the past 3 years and had moved further into deception and had been involved with countless physical affairs with any and all possible partners. Crossed all boundaries – and all the while playing the role of the devoted husband, father and employee.

Still I didn’t leave. And as all on this site know he recommitted – only to announce that he was “done”.

So this history lesson brings me to my question. As an LBS I know that we are all accountable to admit and atone for our own contributions to the demise of the marriage. I am struggling to determine if my own atonement came 3 years ago or is there more I need to be looking for in terms of my contribution? If someone were to ask me today what I felt my contributions were to the demise of my marriage – I would go back to the come to Jesus I faced 3 years ago. Now I find myself here. What are the lessons I still need to learn? Are there more lessons I need to learn about my contributions – or is there some point where I can say I did what I could do? This wasn’t my fault – my failings were not worthy of this deception and exposure to this sick, seedy world of sexual deviancy. Please know when I use the words “sexual deviancy” – I do so not from the seat of a prude. I use these words from a place of research and intense counseling in which I have been assured over and over again what I experienced is not the “norm”.

Do you my friends think I need to keep looking for my failings in this or can I release myself from this torture? I don’t want to be in denial – I want to move forward with a clear conscience.

Thanks for listening…I really needed to get this off my chest.