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[Denver_2010]

Update/Journal

My W and I exchanged a few texts yesterday afternoon. She had a baby shower to go to... told me that she'd call in the evening. She called at around 6. We chatted about the baby shower and her singing gig the night before.

I asked her if she wanted to go take a salsa dancing class with me... she doesn't need it, but I do LOL... she laughed bc this is something that I would never do with her before. Ended up she couldn't bc she had her hurt her foot performing on Friday night. We ended up agreeing to go to dinner and a movie (which we never made it to).

She came over to my house and I then drove us to an Indian restaurant. We ordered a bottle of wine and ate.

The conversation was really, really good. We talked about the kids that she teaches, some of the people that she works with , and a little about her music. There was lots of laughter.

This was good bc she had told me earlier on the phone that she had been feeling 'blah' all day. I was a little concerned that this had something to do with me.

At some point during dinner, W brought up M and our current situation. I told her that it hadn't been my intent to talk about this stuff... W said that she knew that and that she had brought it up.

But M and sitch talk dominated the conversation the rest of the night. There was some serious talk... with moments of laughter in bw.

After we finished dinner, we decided to go to another bar close to my house for another drink.

M and sitch talk continued to dominate the conversation... again with moments of other subjects coming up... and laughter.

So... the gist of the subjects talked about and what was said:

1) W's Fear of giving M another shot - I continued to take a beating for my failures as a H before W left. W said that she forgot who she was bc my needs always came first. W said that OM has qualities that she always wanted me to have. W said that I had good qualities that she misses and that I wasn't all bad... otherwise she wouldn't have been with me for 8 years.

W said that I have said that I would change in the past and after a couple of months that things would always revert back to bad. That she wants to believe what I am saying now, but that I am a lawyer and business person... that I'm good at selling.... this concerns her. But that what she has seen from me recently is good and not what she knows of me.

W said that I made her feel that she was never good enough for me. That she was always trying to prove that she was good enough for me. This made her feel that she was always being judged by me. That I was always looking for flaws. AFter a while, this made her lose her self... she didn't feel comfortable around me. Didn't feel like she could laugh or be herself. She doesn't ever want to feel like this again. That she has rediscovered this quality in her since she left me.

I validated, apologized, and told her that I NEVER wanted her to feel like that again. I told her that I would spend the rest of my life making up for how I had made her feel.

2) OM - Reiterated that she is not in love with OM. That OM has qualities that she wished that I had. That he is more 'naturally' loving and 'aware' of her well-being. W reiterated that OM also annoys her... that he is 'smothering'... but that maybe that is something that she should like. That OM and I are complete opposites. That OM is very good with SS... and that I was not...

She is very concerned about hurting OM... and feels guilty about letting him fall for her. That OM had been dumped by previous girl who he was engaged to and went into deep depression. She doesn't want to do this to him.

W reiterated OM was not reason that she left me. But that she allowed him in bc she felt that we were done and she had to force herself to try and 'move on'.

W asked me what I would do if I were in her shoes. I told her that I would have to listen to what I was saying and how I was acting and decide whether or not I thought that my changes were real. That, if I were her, I would not be considering OM bc I would realize that I had only been dating him for a couple of months... and I would wonder how that R would be in 8 years. W agreed that she does consider that. I said that, if I were in her shoes, I would not feel that my choice were a zero sum game... that if I got rid of OM and gave M a chance... and that failed... that I wouldn't feel that my chances for love were done.... basically that I wouldn't feel afraid of having neither me or OM. W agreed with this too... but admitted that she is afraid of being left alone with no one. W admitted that she does have issues that probably need addressed.

W told me that she knows that I 'hate' OM. I didn't disagree. I told her that what he did, and is doing, is wrong. That most men would agree that it is wrong to become involved with a woman who is M'd... and especially with a woman who is M'd and has an 11 year old son. That I would never change my opinion on this. I told W it was not smart of OM to let himself get involved in this sitch... that it is like a man going into a burning building knowing that there is a million dollars inside... that the reward of doing could be great... but that the risk was not worth it... And that is what OM has done. I said that I do understand completely why OM would fall in love with W. And that there is a very small part of me that empathizes with the pain that he will feel if/when W tells him that she is going to work on M. W said that she understood everything that I was saying, and understood why I felt that way. That she thinks that OM is a bit immature on this issue... And that he probably wasn't very smart in risking his own heart on that type of situation.

W said that she is being very honest with OM... that he knew that she and I were at dinner... that he knows that I was with her during the week after her grandma passed away... and knows that I am going to Buffalo with her.

W said that she tried not having any contact with OM... but now, he is 'desperately trying to stay in' her life. She told me that he had texted her a few times while we were out...

3) About me - W said that she loves me and always has. That it is just comfortable with me. That she we have been together for 8 years and that it is hard for her to imagine now her not being with me. That she does see my changes. She asked me how it is going to be a few months from now when I get annoyed with her... I told her that things will be different in how we handle the bumps in the road. That M is not easy for anyone... and that I don't expect things to be perfect. But that she never has to fear being lonely again. That I have truly had a change in the way that I think... how I view my priorities... that I know what it feels like to lose her and that I will NEVER allow that to happen again.

I talked to W about unconditional love... how I would love her regardless of what happens. That my unconditional love is the one thing from me that she cannot reject.

I told her that I wish that there was something that I could do to prove to her that I am different, but that words are all I have until and unless she gives me the opportunity to prove it to her with actions.

Finally, W said that she is 'leaning towards' working on M. She just needs time to really think... maybe a week or two after we return from Buffalo. I told her that I understand how this is scary and difficult for her. And that there is no pressure from me... that I will give her as much time as she thinks she needs.

Best for last....

After dinner, we went to the area of the restaurant where the bathrooms were. Outside of the bathrooms there was an area with a light no (the restaurant itself was a bit dark)... W went to use the restroom and I waited for her in this area. While she was in the restroom... I turned the light off.

When she walked out... I handed her purse to her... put my hands on her shoulder... told her to close her eyes... I gently kissed her face and by her ear and hugged her tight. Initially, I could feel a tiny bit of hesitation on her part... but then it disappeared and she let me IN... for those few brief moments... she let me IN.

Again... after we had gone to the bar and then arrived back to my house... and as I was saying goodbye to her... I gently kissed her like I had at the restaurant... there was no hesitation on her part.

We embraced in a tight hug... and then she left.

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Denver