The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[Starsky309]

Abbey,

If you are convinced that he is having an affair (and I agree with you that the odds are very good that he is, based upon his behavior), why are you still having sex with him?

I hope you are at least having him use protection. I'm sorry to be so blunt and personal, but this is really no different advice than your doctor would give you. Please be careful!

Starsky

[abbey1989]

Hi again,

I think I need to get help. I can't stop thinking about the lies and the cheating. I feel like if I confront H will for sure bail. Maybe that's a good thing? I really don't know how I feel about that. Scared mostly.

I found an alternate email address of his today. Wow. I tried to reset the pw even. Notification of that little misstep is now going to some other email address....I checked and it is none of the addreses we have here in the house (that I know of anyway). So hello! Another idiot move.

I think I need some mind numbing meds. Seriously.
How do you all cope?

This man is supposed to be my rock, my future, my most trusted person on the planet. I feel so lost...and can't talk to anyone.

[kml]

No mind numbing meds needed - just a game plan.

He calls you instead of OW by accident from his secret cell phone. He has an alternate email addie (just wondering, how on earth did you find this?)

He's not wearing his ring.

So - right now his behavior is not appropriate for a married man.

The question is, what do YOU want to do with this information?

Options include:
1) Confront - knowing this may push him out the door, but would relieve you from the agony of living with this uncertainty. You may want to consult an attorney first, get a good handle on your financial rights, before you do this. You also might want to find some way to squirrel away a little emergency fund.

2) Act As If - pretend you don't know in order to focus on winning him back by being so fun and fresh that you are way more appealing than the OW (who is probably nagging him by now, why hasn't HE left HIS marriage yet???)

3) Boot him. Just kick him out. Tell him you don't deserve to be treated this way and you are done.

All approaches have their plusses and minuses, only you can decide what's right for your sitch.

[AJM80]

Abbey - can you afford the phone counselling sessions? Those could really help you to get a plan in place to deal with this. Don't expose yourself to potential stds. Don't snoop - what is that going to accomplish? Unless you are trying to get documentation to use in a divorce proceeding, you're only going to make yourself nuts. He has a secret cell phone, he's probably hooked on this woman like she's a drug right now. He knows you probably know, the more certain he is that you know, the more tense things will be as he waits for the other shoe to drop and a big fight to start. You'll have to decide what to do, if you know and he knows you know (which at some point on the path you are on, he will), he may start making moves and you may lose the chance to decide what comes next. Good luck!

[abbey1989]

AJM80..

Thank you so much for advice about counseling sessions. I did actually purchase a few via this site 2 yrs ago and worked with Jodie. She was great.

Thank you so much for advice NOT to snoop. I was not doing that until he called me from the secret phone. That was when my "Superwoman" intuition vibes kicked in.

Folks on this board talk about stds. I almost feel like saying...Awwww...come on! Wasn't that just a college age thing?
I know I am being naive.

I think you are right. I think he is hooked on this OW (not that cute by the way) and is waiting for the shoe to drop.

I am not trying to play games at all.......I hate games.

So, in the end AJM80, thank you. I get it. I need to make a plan for my life and stick to it.

I have been DB'g for the last 2 years and do believe in it. That's why I'm still here. But this morning....I woke up and decided that I deserve better than this. I don't want to become trapped in the past. We all deserve to be happy and that is our choice!

Thank you so much friends...xoxo abbey

[abbey1989]

hi KML...thank you...

alternate email found on spokeo. could be an old email address or not! not sure.

Thank you for your advice.

Option 1) confront but be prepared (financially and also with legal counsel). Agreed. I think I need to do this.

Option 2) Act As If: Well...Have been doing this for the last 18 months or so (prior to hearing his voice mail message to OW left by accident on my cell phone). I have to laugh about the possibility of OW nagging him. That thought makes me LOL!
Honestly, I do not nag H. The yard is what it is. The house is what it is. Everywhere you look there is a bit of TLC needed...but I am not nagging. Honestly...I can and do and will do it all myself.

Option 3) Boot him just kick him out! Wow...I can't even comprehend that yet but you never know.

Thank you KML. I so appreciate your reply.

The sun is out in SoCal. Cold but beautiful....at home and H is out riding his groovy BMW motorcycle. He said he wouldn't be long and that was 2 1/2 hrs ago. Long enough for a shag with OW for sure. UGH!!!!!!!!

[abbey1989]

Yesterday was rough. H got up and went to the gym and then came home and left on his motorcycle for 4 hrs. He didn't answer his phone when I tried to call a couple of times as it got closer to the time we were to be at a friend's house to watch the Oscars. By that point I was getting pretty mad. He said he wouldn't be gone long but he was. I left after calling him to go get some appetizers at a restaurant for the Oscar party we were going to.

Then he called and I didn't answer. On purpose. He called a few other times and finally about 1/2 hr later, I did answer. He was furious that I didn't answer! I was trying to be mysterious and not always seem like I am at his beck and call especially after he decides to be gone most of Sunday. He compared this to me not answering a couple of Fridays ago when he called me and I was at the movie store and then said I would pick up dinner. I had left my phone in the car (by accident) and didn't realize that he had locked his keys in his car and he was wanting me to bring him a spare. He told my daughter that he was mad and he even said to her, "I get it...paybacks". That was so odd because I wasn't purposefully trying to miss his call.

I honestly know that I need to start working on me and stop worrying about what he is doing. I need to start living my life instead of worrying about where H is and who H is with.

I need to stop pursuing when he is here and just be pleasant and not mopey. I am having a hard time of that lately. I need to renew insterest in my hobbies and I need to GAL. If H doesn't want to work on our house on the weekends, I'll do it myself. So that is my plan. I hope it will keep me busy enough to stop obsessing about things that I can not control.

If anyone has any suggestions about getting out there and taking action to overcome obsessive thoughts and depression in general, please let me know. Thanks for listening.

[kml]

When i was in a sitch somewhat similar to yours, what worked for me was focusing on a big project outside of the marriage. In my case, it was training to climb Mt. Whitney. It gave me an outlet for my energies, and something to think about that was unrelated to the marriage. It was a departure for me to tackle such a big challenge (and at the time, it actually drew my husband back to me).

Years later, when he left (we are now divorced but had several good years in between) I started playing the drums in an adult rock band class (think School of Rock for grownups). I've been playing for two years now and it is still a wonderful place to put my focus away from my day to day worries.

Think of something you have always wanted to do or learn to do, maybe something you held back from out of fear or because your husband was a restricting factor. Then do it!

[abbey1989]

Thank you KML! Actually a friend of mine and I had talked about climbing Mt. Whitney this summer.

I think your comment about doing something that I've always wanted to do is great advice. I've been thinking about yoga or ocean kayaking.

Thanks for your support KML.

[abbey1989]

Headed to class at college where OW works. I was SO SUPER EXCITED to get back in to college to finish my degree (after 20 years!), and now when I go there it is just a constant reminder of the A and OW. Ugh.

Daughter was accepted to a few colleges today for the fall. I can't help but wonder if H is waiting for both kids to be out to leave. We haven't talked about it for two years, but another friend of mine who has kids the same age is now going through a divorce. Her H has a girlfriend and is even traveling to Hawaii with her this week (they're not even divorced yet). I think that is despicable. AMAZING the rationalizing that goes on in the mind of cheaters.

In the end....it is all about them isn't it? They rationalize that by keeping it a secret they are protecting us (the LBS) but in reality they are protecting their own backsides against the backlash of their children, family and friends.